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Hammer and Sickle News Agency

02 December 2011, 10:01

The People’s Democratic Republic of South Africa’s desire to become a powerful and illustrious country by 2020 is well under way, with the strong and true leadership of the Beneficent and Beloved Leader Jacob Zuma who, even at the time of writing, is constantly working to improve the lives of every true citizen.

A major victory against profit-motivated capitalist media outlets was achieved with the almost unanimous passing of the Protection of State Information Act this week.  Cleverly, the politburo also used the bill to expose those counter revolutionaries that dared to infiltrate the liberator party, as well those citizens that gathered under various unauthorized organizations that continue to blindly support the bourgeois and their nefarious agenda. The traitors that have been exposed will be severely disciplined by the relevant party authorities before being sent to revise their doctrines at a political school located in the Karoo. This announcement by the relevant authorities from the Grand High People’s Presidium was welcomed by the People, who spontaneously organized rallies in many urban centers to assist the police in the apprehension of those unfortunate enough to still be swayed by the lies and propaganda thinly disguised as pleas for so-called ‘freedoms’ of speech, gathering and association. Citizens are reminded that they can assist the revolution at any time by reporting counter revolutionary ideas and activities to their nearest police station.

In other news, world AIDS day was welcomed as an opportunity to advance lifesaving technology to those most in need. In a show of what is possible when the funds garnered from capitalist industry are instead managed by the state for the good of the masses, the President himself performed on-site inspections of newly installed public showers around the country. These showers have been strategically placed to allow young couples the ability to clean themselves after enjoying some romantic activity in the shortest time possible. It is hoped that this will reduce AIDS infection rates to below one percentage point, whilst simultaneously raising the communities’ happiness index by almost ten points. A touching scene emerged when a young child, totally unprompted, presented the Beloved One with a flower bud that she had found growing under a moonbeam at midnight. When Dear Leader Zuma held it, it instantly bloomed into a wonderful and brilliant flower, clearly signifying the ancestors’ approval of his guidance of us all, and this policy in particular. A multi-million Rand museum, complete with a ten meter high statue of Zuma, is to be built on the spot to commemorate the event.

Finally, there is a persistent and wicked rumor that is being spread around the world that our Beloved Republic is beset with crime, violence and corruption. This is a filthy and slanderous lie that is being proliferated by the international capitalists in active cooperation with those traitors who have chosen to abandon our shores for what they falsely consider to be better lands.

The Departments of International Cooperation, Goodwill and Wellbeing have issued a joint call to all those progressive governments in the international community to take appropriate action against these villains in order to silence them once and for all. Let us be crystal clear on this point, comrades; there is no crime in South Africa. Anyone who says otherwise is a collaborator with those forces that seek to reverse the gains of our revolution and return our land to economic shackles and dependency on capital. If one analyses the facts, they will see that there is enough for everyone to have an equal share; it therefore makes no sense for there to even be crime.

Just today, an international publication unfairly lambasted the Minister of Education for purchasing a luxury vehicle using the department’s money while students went without textbooks. Their twisted ideology labeled this as ‘corruption’. However, everyone knows that part of being a leader is having the respect of the people you have been tasked to lead, and no one respects a person driving an average motor vehicle. The teacher is also one of the top graduates from the State Central Teachers’ Training Center and has no need for textbooks. As you all know by now, ‘facts’ are subject to change regularly upon the discovery of new information and therefore textbooks can hinder a child’s understanding of the state sanctioned truth for the month. Furthermore, larger cars for government officials bring prestige not only to the ministers, but to the country as a whole. For that, the citizens should express their undying gratitude, and reject spurious accusations of maladministration.

That is all for this week, please be aware the Glorious Conqueror of the British Imperialists and Everlasting Friend of True Democracy, Robert Mugabe will arrive in the country on Monday. The state needs at least five thousand unprompted individuals to show their support for this brave freedom fighter at Oliver Thambo Revolutionary Airport. Those attending will be given extra food rations by the Central Food Supply Bureau at the end of the week. Should citizens fail to attend, the entire Gauteng ration will be reduced by a third for a year.

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