It’s coming to the month of love. Everywhere I look I see chocolates, teddy bears and hearts. I’m reminded yet again that it’s Valentine’s Day, or should I rather say Single Awareness Day. In my 29 years I’ve only had one boyfriend who stuck around long enough to be my Valentine.
I haven’t received a Valentine’s Gift (besides from my friends and mother who feel sorry for me – oh and my boss since he is the only guy amidst all the ladies and he gives all of them so that doesn’t count) since I was 22, or was it 21? My friends can’t understand why I’m still single. I beg the question “what’s wrong with me?” It’s not like I don’t get out there, I do. But at the end of every day I’m still very much alone.
Every time I hold a baby, someone always comments that it’s time for me to have one. It hurts. At every wedding “when’s it your turn?” It hurts! I grew up knowing exactly what was going to happen to my life. At 18 go to University, at 21 start working and at 26 get married and by the time I am 30 at least two children. So much for that!
I’m not a cold hearted cow who is only focused on her career. If I had the opportunity I would give all that up just to have the opportunity to be a stay at home mother! To be a mother is my dream job! I believe women have the choice and it’s their decision but it breaks my heart knowing that women are having abortions everyday and here I am wishing I was in that position to be pregnant!
Financially it is not viable for me to even consider artificial insemination and I’ve even tried donating my eggs so that at least I’ll have mini me’s somewhere in the world even if I never know them but I was rejected for being one point, ONE point too high on my BMI which doesn’t work for me anyway because of my bone structure and muscle mass. I’ve considered adopting but I want to feel a baby grow within me, is that too much to ask?
I don’t think people realise how much it hurts when they tell me my clock is ticking. Like I don’t know! Every month I’m reminded of it! Then there are the people who tell me I should just have a one night stand. Really? I’m not going to take that chance thank you very much. Not for any other reason except that it’s against my beliefs and what about STD’s?
Now for most of the year I am pretty much okay with being single. Only on my birthday, Christmas, New Years, Valentine’s Day and the occasional wedding and get together do I feel a little lonely. I’ve tried Internet Dating sites but in order to reply to messages you have to pay exorbitant fees to become a member. Fair enough, but can’t they just accept monthly payments so that people on a budget can afford to join?
The sad thing though is that the single men I do know tend to withdraw from me and keep their distance. I discovered that they think that because I have been single for so long that I am desperate and I will start stalking them. Not true! I truly believe that if a man is interested he will do something about it and if he doesn’t so what, yay, I made a new friend! And of course society doesn’t allow you to be friends with a man.
If you are they are continuously whispering about the two of you behind your back or they ask why aren’t you two dating? What part of “I’m just not into him/her like that” do they not get? Then there are the girls who are always trying to set you up with the guys they will “never” date. So why are you passing him onto me?
Don’t I deserve to date a guy who you deem to be acceptable? Oh no! I discovered it is because they don’t want me to date those types of guys just in case their relationships don’t work out and they can have them all to themselves! I’m so glad I got rid of those “friends”. Oh and then there are the “why don’t you date that guy?” and I answer “because we have nothing in common” and their reply is “but you’re in the same department?” like that means anything!
Which just goes to show that I know him better than you do and I know that he is just not the one for me. But no, they’re adamant we’d make such a wonderful couple. Then a note to everyone: THIS IS NOT HOLLYWOOD! Just because a guy friend irritates me doesn’t mean I am going to fall helplessly in love with him eventually! It’s been 10 years, clearly it’s not going to happen because spending two hours with the guy is exhausting, there’s no way I will be able to live with him permanently and I just don’t see him like that, in fact it’s gross, like kissing a brother! Ugh!
Then there is the advice: “lose more weight, then maybe you’ll get someone” oh yeah, someone superficial! And besides, I’ve seen ladies who are even more curvier than me with boyfriends and husbands, so please tell me another one! “You should try wearing more provocative clothing” to show off my already too fat figure? “You shouldn’t look for love, love will find you!” like I was looking for love in my early and mid 20’s yet love didn’t find me then so why should I count on it finding me now? “Wear more make-up” are you telling me I’m too ugly?
I do wear basic make-up because I have sensitive skin and break out if I wear too much, then I have to wear more make-up to cover up the break out and then I damage my skin! And in any case I want the man to wake up next to me in the morning and not scream from fright because there is a strange woman in his bed! “Get out more!” like I haven’t been out every single day of my life and am constantly around people! “Stop trying so hard!” Trying what exactly? I’m just being me.
But I can’t help but wonder if I am the problem. Maybe I am too fat, too conservative, too ugly, too unique, too real. Maybe I need to become a superficial “poppy”. But will I really be happy? Nah, I would rather be single for the rest of my life than be in a relationship based on superficiality!
Come on, there must be a guy out there somewhere who isn’t superficial? Who isn’t afraid of a woman who is challenging but doesn’t see her as a challenge? Who doesn’t care about the things of this world and actually means it!
I am not looking for Mr Perfect, he doesn’t exist! I am just looking for Mr Perfect for me. Even I don’t know what that is because I haven’t met him yet. I have a list but that’s just my “potential list”, a list I’ve put together based on past experiences and things I know I like. I’m not picky, I just know what I like and what I don’t like and I will not date someone just because I’m told to. Forget it.
I’m not desperate either so I will not accept just the first guy who walks past or makes an offer. But I’ve been told many times, when you meet him you will know and vice versa. But until then I will just have to hold back the tears, suck it in and carry on living my life like there’s no tomorrow! I’m not going to sit around and wait for him pop up. He will when he does. I just wish my friends, family and society would stop badgering me about it and stop reminding me that time is running out. I know for goodness sake! Just let me live my life!
P.S. This is the ranting of a single woman who just wishes society would not focus so much on romance and finding love and allow people to believe that romance is the be all and end all of life which should be our own choice, yet society has us believe that we are not complete if we are not in a love relationship which isn’t true, for me.
I want to make it clear that this is not a free for all for guys to start offering one night stands! (It has happened before) I believe there are websites who can introduce you to people who are into that, I however am not. Oh an again please forgive me if my grammar is wrong. I don't do this on a daily basis, so I still need more practise!