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Solarflair
 
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Hate the Gay Next Door?- take a walk in my shoes

02 April 2014, 12:28

3 year ago, I had a breakthrough; I told my wife at the time the truth about me something I could not do for the 13 years of married life we sheared together. We have two kids a boy and a girl, they still remain the most important part of my life and I would do anything to give them a life that is better than what I have been experiencing, and raise them, with open eyes and hearts so that they don’t have to go through what I did.

Getting divorced was so quick it relay made my head spin, I lost everything, or should I say I gave up everything, The reason I did was because of guilt , the guilt that I still carry for breaking up my own family  a family that I loved. You see I came out with the truth, the truth of whom I was, and the lie I was carried around with me, I am gay.

I had to explain to everybody in my life my extended family as well what was going on and why we were getting a divorce. The backlash that followed was not such a big torment as what I anticipated all my life being stuck in a closet, however there were exceptions to that rule.

I met someone over time and moved in with him as I felt I loved this man, and he showed me the other side of being gay for the first time    , You know the in your face were here we are queer bit” He introduced me to his world of friend were he had no other supporting structures to who he could ask for help if he needed it, you see he was thrown away by his family, He had just his huge group of friends that he could depend on  , most of the “friends” found themselves in the same bout.

We use to attend social events that were arranged by this small community and before long we became well known in social circles, I did not know what to make of this culture shock at first, but as I spend time in the circle I realized that I was surrounded mostly be people who suffered their whole lives through, these were people who faced, insults, assaults, and discrimination, there whole life’s through, I felt vindicated at the time, in my decision to live my former life in lie.

This social group made me very depressive, and thought to myself surly there was more to life than this.

Is this what I came out for, Is this what I threw my life away for when I told my partner how I felt he pushed me away thinking I was trying to break his bond with his circle of friends(family)

My answer to myself   was no .no way. So before long I decided to end the relationship and for the second time in my life my heart was broken, I moved out and ended up renting a small one bedroom flat for a year. in that year I spend as much time with my former family as what I could  .and I learned a lot about what family brings to a person’s life,   My ex-wife moved on with her life as well got married again and had another baby , her new husband treated me as part of their family,  and made me feel welcome.

One thing was still missing from my life and that was, I needed someone to rebuild my life with, but where would I find such a man who was also family orientated, in my mind I needed a partner who would except me for who I was as a gay man and as a family man and as a father, So I started dating online  this was quite a task cause in gay culture you have to first get past the standard stupid questions, when you look at online profiles conversations would go like this

Me: hello

Date: Top or Bottom

Or

What are your stats?

This was so superficial and it took me quite a while to find someone that was just willing to have a normal conversation, so online I managed to make a short list based on who I felt I could connect with and that might be interested in a date.

One day I got to know a guy that was out of the social circles he was still in the closet but did not had the need to jump out, he was single, and did not have lots of experiences were the gay world was concerned

We were the same age, and I clicked on what I read, I told him I had kids and he actually did not flinch, I thought this is too good to be true  ,And asked him ,what was wrong with him that he was still single , I mean he was such a catch at least on paper, he replied , he was disabled , He then proceeded to tell me that he had a condition that he was born with that , altered his motor functions,  however he could do everything I could do he assured me.

So I took the plunge and agreed to meet him, at first his disability did throw me however I basically ignored it. And to this day I am so glad that I did, as I got to know him I fell head over heels for him over a period of time. He came out to his parents, who were happy that he met someone, from that day they made me feel as part of their family as well. They accepted my kids as there new grandchildren. They even met my extended family like my mom and my brother.

A short while later we put up a house together, and started our life under one roof, I finally was happy

We live a very normal life today we are not in your face we do not slap the rainbow flag on our house or car, we however live next to you, we don’t really mix with you, because  we don’t  really feel the need to open up to you , we mind our own business.

I while ago we had a medical emergency, you did not even know about it because we did not make a fuss about it. I wile ago we had property stolen from our house, you were not told about it because we did not want to open up to you. the simple truth is we over herd you the other side of the fence telling your friend that you don’t like this nonsense in America  about same sex marriage and that gays are worse than dogs .

It is for this reason I wrote you my story today, I hope you realize that we are only people and that we have feelings, you might not understand it but we are with good reason quite sensitive to your way of treating people like us with respect. I ask you to try to see our side of the coin .

If you ever wondered why gay people have pride parades, this would be the one of the reasons. If you think I chose to be gay, I would say no one would choose to struggle in life like I did. And I can hole heatedly tell you I chose to be honest.  

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