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Godless Heathen
 
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Heaven is awesome part 3

16 July 2014, 15:13
So this morning I continued with my quest to find out all about heaven, I started with Revelations 6. The seven eyed seven horned lamb with proper cute little hoofs is able to open seals. The first seal held the white horse of war and his rider rode off in conquest. The second seal held a red horse with a warmongerer that makes people kill each other. I don't think we are in heaven anymore. The third rider on the black horse seems to be some kind of merchant or business man, The fourth horse, the pale one's rider is death and Hades was following close behind. Hades must be a creature of sorts then not a place, because he had the power to kill.
The fifth seal held the altar of the souls awaiting judgement which was not yet. The sixth was stopping an earthquake and the sun turning black, Also stars fell to earth, the moon turned into a red balloon and every bit of land was moved. The kings, the leaders and the rich and everyone else hid in caves and among the rocks of mountains. They spoke to the rocks asking them to be hidden, it seems the lamb was a little irate.
Revelations 7 sees angels at the four corners of the earth, we learned earlier that the earth had an underneath, now we know it is square, Orbs don't have corners so all the Scientists and Astronomers must be smoking some great stuff. They held back the four winds, Ok so the wind comes from the corners of the earth and does not do the cyclone and anti cyclone bit that I learned at school?
144 000 Jews or Israelis if you prefer were sealed, 12000 from each tribe. Boy are the Orthodox jews going to be unhappy, all those years of no bacon and only 144000 of them are going to make the grade. An uncountable bunch of non Israelis are also going to make it, They will all wear white robes washed in blood and they are not stained, awesome magic this.
Angels are now adding their voices to the tumult with the elders and the beasts, remember the ox, the lion, the tokoloshe and the other one with six wings and eyes all over. So now we know that in heaven you will never be hungry, never be thirsty, won't be able to catch a few rays or a tan and the boss will wipe away your tears.
So as it stands Heaven is amgical place with demonic looking creatures that are not demons, elders that have gold vials of saints prayers, Angels all chanting different chants simultaneously, There are 144000 of those people that are currently bombing the Palestinians, because those poor downtrodden sods had the temerity to kidnap and murder three teenagers and throw rockets at civilian targets... OK enough of a detour, There are a gazillion others who can never catch a tan, get hungry or thirsty and God is wiping away all their tears. Wait, Why would they be weeping in paradise?
Also how can it be called paradise without steaks and beer?
Oh and what happened to the seventh seal? Nope not missing the lamb opens it in Revelations 8 and silence falls over heaven for 30 minutes. Seven Angels are issued with trumpets and the first four rain down havoc on earth, Water turned to blood, Water turned bitter, 1/3 of the day was dark as was night. Wait what? No light at night, that would be scary. and some other frightening stuff happens like mountains being thrown into the sea and so on.
We finish Revelations 8 with a talking eagle shouting that that was nothing, just wait for the next three angels. 
This raises more questions than answers and heaven still sounds boring.

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