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Irukandji
 
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Hello Doctor

20 March 2014, 07:29

I’ve stopped buying newspapers years ago. I guess the reason was that all the news had become freely available on the Internet. (Yes, Sakkie, and also because I’m trying to save the trees in the Amazon from becoming printing fodder. I’m turning into a honey bugger.)

Nowadays, the only printed news I ever get to read, is our weekly community newspaper, The Rekord. The Record is unique. Its “news” is normally more than two months old. The “news” section weighs roughly 100 grams, and the attached pamphlets, flyers, and adverts, can weigh anything up to 18 kg – depending on the time of the month, and the month of the year. (Christmas is super-heavy with adverts.)

As most of you know by now, I’m a rather shy and introverted type of individual. I would never read Playboy or The Rekord in public, or in front of the wife, for fear of being ridiculed. So I do my reading in secret – on the throne. (We don’t have a gun in the house, so the chance of the wife shooting me through the toilet door, is very slim indeed.)

Be that as it may, while perusing The Rekord (safely, ensconced in the privacy of our loo), I came across an ad that caught my eye.

Normally, doctors are depicted as middle-aged, white, and white-coated – with the inevitable stethoscopes draped around their necks. The doctor in the Rekord’s advert looked quite different. He was middle-aged, white, white-coated, and stethoscoped, but he was also smiling and busy talking on a cell phone – multitasking, as it were.

Something that has puzzled me for a long time is that doctors are always pictured with stethoscopes around their necks. When I was still a technician, I never ran around with an electronic circuit tester around my neck. Gynecologists don’t run around wearing dark glasses; and Australian sheep farmers don’t run around wearing gumboots. Bishops do not play with choir boys outside the church. So why the stethoscopes? I guess I’ll never know.

The “Hello Doctor” advert reads: “Unlimited access to doctors. Available 24/7, for just R2.70 per day. Get all the health advice and help you need.

Dial *120*1019# to register and select the option to pay using your MTN airtime. You only pay the per day rate, doctor calls to you are free.

Types of questions you might want to ask the doctor:

I kissed a man and he told me is is (sic) HIV POSITIVE. Can I get HIV by kissing someone?”

And:

“I missed my pill yesterday and had sex last night without a condom, could I be PREGNANT?”

Right there, I decided that these “Doctors” are the same as Doctor Shafik Kawagga from Mamelodi, who claims that he can remove the Tokoloshe from your home, bring back your lost lover, and permanently enlarge your male reproductive equipment. (Yes, Sakkie, he says he can enlarge your thing.)

Why would I go around, kissing is is (sic) HIV POSITIVE men, when I’ve been batting for the home team all my life?

And is there any doctor in the world who would believe that I’m serious, if I asked him if I was pregnant, after missing my pill and having unprotected sex? I’m a man, for Pete’s sake!

But more importantly: If the wife found out about my shenanigans with the is is (sic) HIV POSITIVE men, and the missing pill, and the unused condom, she would definitely get a gun and shoot me through the toilet door.

So here’s my advice:

Stay away from the “Doctors,” and ask yourself: Just what kind of advice can you expect “for just R2.70 per day.”

I’ll tell you: Not much.

But if you really don’t want to take my advice, you can go to:

www.hellodoctor.co.za

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