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Holy Mass and eyebrow crabs

15 June 2012, 08:19
Mass is a biohazard. I don't do the blood of Christ, cos actually, it is booze. Transubstantiation is all well and good, but I ain't putting alcohol in my body.

Then there is the germ factor. I understand that it is alcohol and therefore the germs from hundreds of people will be killed, but hang on- didn't they say it becomes blood? Baffling huh?

The body, well, let's just say I hope to God the priest washes his hands before touching the bits of Christ that stick to the roof of my mouth for about 40 minutes. Fecal matter on my body of Jesus is not too cool a thought- What currently has me worried is the Holy Water, however.

Picture it, we are all there to confess sin. Sin frequently involves the use of hands. Most common sin? Probably wanking. Come on, most of us are guilty of that. Or sex.

Did you know that something like 60% of people don't wash their hands after peeing? If that's the case, how many people don't wash after a quick jerk-off? Disturbing huh?

My head does this thing where I can picture tenacious vaginal fluids or semen, being co-mingled with the holy water on the way in to Mass. We Catholics do the holy water as we go in and go out. What if I get herpes on my forehead, shoulders or chest? Can you get eyebrow crabs?

(Disclaimer: I am an atheist, but did study adult catechism for two years.)

Or does the fact that it is all blessed stuff mean it is entirely germ free and harmless?

More importantly, why did God give me a brain that works like this?
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