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The Last Contrarian
 
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How (and how not) to handle trolls

14 February 2014, 09:49

Pursuant Rachel Eksienjou’s article yesterday about her ‘lalaland’ being disturbed by an internet troll, I decided to write this piece to help people understand how to deal with the common troll.

WARNING: This article contains strong language, hints of violence, and may be disturbing to sensitive individuals. Reader discretion is advised!

It happens so quickly (transforming into a troll, that is). One day you are just defending what you thought was a good argument you made, and the next day you have a fruity nose, warts on your face, and filthy black hair all over your body as you find yourself down on all fours, chasing after people to bite. It is a plainly observable fact that the common forum troll is usually (but not always) the husk that remains of an internet personality that lost one too many arguments against a smarter adversary. So pride is the first prerequisite to becoming a troll.

Few people are aware of the fact that the bite of a troll will slowly transform you into one yourself. Still people persist in chasing down trolls (all the way into their dark dens) in some futile effort to banish the creature from their cyber-lalaland picnics. Once the troll has you in his lair, a nip on the ankle is all it takes, and you will never again see daylight as a human being. So leave the troll slaying to the fucking experts!

As a professional writer and public opinionator, I have extensive experience dealing with trolls, and I’ve devised the perfect method for slaying the occasional troll that hounds me.

See, everyone and his grandmother tells you “NOT TO FEED THE TROLL!” as if that fucking banal piece of advice has ever stopped anyone from throwing food at the troll in their lallaland picnic, luring the thing ever closer. Seeing this ineffective method for dealing with trolls being used for well over a decade now made me look for an alternative … and I found one:

Don’t feed the troll unless you are willing to force-feed the fucker until it dies from internal hemorrhaging!

But this takes time. First you have to catch the troll without being bitten in the process. Then you have to headlock the troll—luckily the mouth is always open, spewing insults—and proceed to forcefully ram the sort of filth that trolls feed on down its throat until its limbs stop flailing about and you feel its body go limp in your arms.

That is how you deal with a fucking troll! Feed it until it looks like Zet (that troll character from that 90s christian show for kids) and then watch it fall lifeless on the ground, shit oozing from its backend (that way you can be sure it is morsdood vrek).

But if you are going to use this method, make sure that ‘life’, ‘love’, and ‘work’ (concepts alien to trolls) don’t interfere. Some trolls you have to feed for hours on end before they finally hemorrhage.

I don’t suppose this method will be popular or practical for most people, so I’ll just give some general advice on how to avoid ending up with one of your limbs in a trolls mouth.

Don’t shout insults at a nearby troll

That will just lure the damn thing to you! When a troll hears insults, it does not enter a reflective state about its behaviour, all it hears is ‘someone wants to play with me.’ Leave the troll alone and let the experts deal with it!

Don’t try to reason with a troll

Some trolls can speak, but that does not mean they understand reason. You are much better off packing up your little picnic discussion and moving off to another area in the forum. Take my advice, pack up and go! There are plenty of little private and fraternal gatherings on the net where you can talk about the smell of roses and the wonderful feeling of grass tickling your bare feet. If you want to have that sort of discussion under the bridge where the troll lives, then you don’t have anyone to blame other than yourself for getting trolled to shit.

Divide and conquer

Despite what some people believe, trolls prefer isolation and rarely cooperate—though sometimes they will form packs, but soon end up fighting amongst themselves. The reason for this shaky collaboration between trolls is that each troll is too obsessed with being the king of trolls to work together with others of its kind. Use this weakness in their tactic to your advantage; call the expert troll slayer to deal with an isolated and cornered troll, and stand the fuck back!

No happy ending

Despite the advice I’ve given to help people combat the scourge of trolling, there is no happy ending to this story. Trolls, even if successfully killed, simply resurrect within a few days or a few weeks under new accounts. If one bothers to calculate how the number of trolls on the internet has increased over the last decade, one gets to the saturation point at roughly the year 2038—at which all personalities on the internet will be trolls.

Love them or hate them, trolls are destined to rule the virtual universe, and that means no fucking lalaland will exist. What did you expect? Real life seldom permits happy endings.

So whichever side of the infection you find yourself on … happy trolling!

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