The hanging of a 4year old and listening to Pink Floyd with perhaps too
much red in my veins and brain, made me concretize an agony inside me
that cannot be stilled. It is the agony of “I cannot.” The inability to accept the inevitable?
Yes the clichés, (and that’s what I call them), of there being nothing that cannot be done if one really wants to, or the mind conceiving and the man achieving and all is possible through Him that gives the power, they are all there. And good luck to them that do achieve.
Problem is I cannot:
Reconcile myself anymore to children being raped and murdered
I cannot reconcile with 50+ people murdered daily in South Africa
I cannot divorce myself from the belief in the total sanctity of life
I cannot reconcile with existing instead of living; and most South Africans not knowing the difference
I cannot reconcile with not being able to make peace with what seems to be the norm
Worse is, I cannot live with what I cannot do to find solace in the fact that:
I cannot make a difference that matters
I cannot leave this country to get away from the pain of seeing and experiencing poverty; -resulting from the covetousness, greed, snout at the trough, devour at all costs, orgy of debauchment, self enriching and entitlement mindsets
I cannot still the anger at the injustices perpetuated on the innocent and the poor
I cannot accept that people must live with illnesses because some selfish bastard wants all for himself
I cannot accept that ideology is more important than human life
I cannot find the way to be cold, emotionless and accept that what I cannot change
I cannot suffer anymore the anger at the helplessness, the ineffectual screaming at the storm, trying to vent the raw emotion of frustration
I cannot even find a job to sustain a modicum of dignity, to cope, to cool the rage and the ease the disappointment in the idealistic chimera of ‘94.
I just cannot anymore......
PS. Yes indeed Johannes Mankayi, the world Icon, Doctor Nelson Mandela did once say; "When a man is denied the right to live the life he believes in, he has no choice but to become an outlaw.”
And this is the lesser of the evils of choice available.
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