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How to Pick Up Girls FAST!

07 February 2013, 11:00

As a Creepy Loner, you may have difficulty adhering to certain social norms. You may find human interaction difficult, particularly with the opposite sex. Perhaps the festering chancre on your neck has afflicted you with low-self esteem, perhaps you were abandoned by your parents and left alone and weeping in the rubbish disposal behind Pick ‘n Pay amidst rotting vegetables and unsold Kurt Darren albums, only to be adopted by a tribe of Hippy Freegans scrounging together an existence by selling artwork made from discarded nylon stockings, perhaps you live in an isolated world of dank misery in your grandmother’s basement, thrown the occasional live mammal as food and once a week forced to dress up as a character from Pumpkin Patch and parade around the secluded premises for the twisted entertainment of her and her fetishist tea-party friends, or perhaps you went to an all boys school.

Whatever your situation may be, fear not! For after years of thorough research, I have discovered the Key Secret to picking up girls FAST.  I am about to dispense this information now!

The secret to picking up girls is grip. You don’t want those girls slipping when you try picking them up. Also, you should bend your knees and lock your back, this will prevent any self-inflicted injury.  Watch out though! Some feisty females have the tendency to resist being elevated. This stems from their inherent fear of heights. Before thrusting said female into the air, you should politely ask her, “Are you comfortable with heights?” the key is to sound as genuine and unthreatening as possible. Once you have an affirmative, place hands either beneath the arms of your selected companion or around the hips. Once again, remember to bend the knees and lock the back. Then in one fluid motion, lift female by straightening your arms. Congratulations! You have just picked up a girl!

If you struggled on this step, you may have to go into a deep squat position in order to exert enough upward force. The depth of your squat will depend on the height of the girl and also whether you are a freakishly tall spaghetti monster or an undersized circus-freak. As with any lifting exercise, make sure you start light and work up to heavier weights. Why not start with an anorexic and work your way up to the larger plus-sized Disco Divas?

Some people recommend plying women with alcohol before trying to pick them up. I find this to be a ridiculous thing to do! An inebriated Party Queen is likely to pass out mid-air and you’ll find yourself lifting dead weight! This inevitably leads to both of you crashing to the dance floor or into other party-goers in a great heap of twisted limbs and heartache. Worse than this, she might eject her last cocktail down the front of your sequenced Disco Shirt!

Good luck, Socially Inept Strangers! And remember: practice makes perfect!

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