PLEASE NOTE:

MyNews24 is a user-generated section of News24.com. The stories here come from users.

 
GonzoMike
 
Comments: 9
Article views: 647
 
 
Latest Badges:



 
View all GonzoMike's badges.
 

How to Pick Up Girls FAST!

07 February 2013, 11:00

As a Creepy Loner, you may have difficulty adhering to certain social norms. You may find human interaction difficult, particularly with the opposite sex. Perhaps the festering chancre on your neck has afflicted you with low-self esteem, perhaps you were abandoned by your parents and left alone and weeping in the rubbish disposal behind Pick ‘n Pay amidst rotting vegetables and unsold Kurt Darren albums, only to be adopted by a tribe of Hippy Freegans scrounging together an existence by selling artwork made from discarded nylon stockings, perhaps you live in an isolated world of dank misery in your grandmother’s basement, thrown the occasional live mammal as food and once a week forced to dress up as a character from Pumpkin Patch and parade around the secluded premises for the twisted entertainment of her and her fetishist tea-party friends, or perhaps you went to an all boys school.

Whatever your situation may be, fear not! For after years of thorough research, I have discovered the Key Secret to picking up girls FAST.  I am about to dispense this information now!

The secret to picking up girls is grip. You don’t want those girls slipping when you try picking them up. Also, you should bend your knees and lock your back, this will prevent any self-inflicted injury.  Watch out though! Some feisty females have the tendency to resist being elevated. This stems from their inherent fear of heights. Before thrusting said female into the air, you should politely ask her, “Are you comfortable with heights?” the key is to sound as genuine and unthreatening as possible. Once you have an affirmative, place hands either beneath the arms of your selected companion or around the hips. Once again, remember to bend the knees and lock the back. Then in one fluid motion, lift female by straightening your arms. Congratulations! You have just picked up a girl!

If you struggled on this step, you may have to go into a deep squat position in order to exert enough upward force. The depth of your squat will depend on the height of the girl and also whether you are a freakishly tall spaghetti monster or an undersized circus-freak. As with any lifting exercise, make sure you start light and work up to heavier weights. Why not start with an anorexic and work your way up to the larger plus-sized Disco Divas?

Some people recommend plying women with alcohol before trying to pick them up. I find this to be a ridiculous thing to do! An inebriated Party Queen is likely to pass out mid-air and you’ll find yourself lifting dead weight! This inevitably leads to both of you crashing to the dance floor or into other party-goers in a great heap of twisted limbs and heartache. Worse than this, she might eject her last cocktail down the front of your sequenced Disco Shirt!

Good luck, Socially Inept Strangers! And remember: practice makes perfect!

Disclaimer: All articles and letters published on MyNews24 have been independently written by members of News24's community. The views of users published on News24 are therefore their own and do not necessarily represent the views of News24. News24 editors also reserve the right to edit or delete any and all comments received.
 

Read News24’s Comments Policy

24.com publishes all comments posted on articles provided that they adhere to our Comments Policy. Should you wish to report a comment for editorial review, please do so by clicking the 'Report Comment' button to the right of each comment.

Comment on this story
9 comments
Add your comment
Comment 0 characters remaining

Read more from our Users

Submitted by
Anil Sumaraj
What Opposition and Government Mu...

In the State of the Nation Address President Zuma blamed the global downturn and the World Banks downward forecast of global growth on South Africa’s inability to reach its target. Read more...

1 comments 135 views
Submitted by
ThandoGqabaza
Scrap the RAF

The world is currently enjoying a state of lower oil prices. Economists around the world are talking of these "good times" where inflation can be controlled due to the oil price relief.  Read more...

5 comments 272 views
Submitted by
Godless Heathen
Hello Peter and Guy McLaren

Hello Peter is a website that makes money from blackmailing businesses into responding. Anyone can make any allegations against you on the site and you have no recourse unless you pay the owner of the site.  Read more...

10 comments 219 views
Submitted by
Taka Sande
Five Years from Today!

‘Five or ten years from today things will not be the same.’ Yes, five years from now things will be totally different. Read more...

1 comments 283 views
Submitted by
BikoGuevaraSlovoHaniX
Dear Minister of Police

I hope to find you well, rested and safe. I write you with a level of uncertainty as I ponder whether this is a matter for Home Affairs; the Red Ants or the police; thus I hope your infinite wisdom and knowledge of process shall guide me. Read more...

0 comments 135 views
Submitted by
Taka Sande
Perhaps Harvard is Just a Brand

After watching a TV programme showing the process from freshmen to graduation, I developed a new meaning of Harvard. One of the graduates said, ‘Harvard is a brand.’ But is it? Read more...

0 comments 175 views
 

services

E-mail Alerts The latest headlines in your inbox

RSS feeds News delivered really simply.

Mobile News24 on your mobile or PDA

E-mail Newsletters You choose what you want

News24 on your iPhone Get News24 headlines on your iPhone.

SMS Alerts Get breaking news stories via SMS.

Blogs Your opinion on you, me and everyone.

Calais Website keywords automated by OpenCalais.

 
Interactive Advertising Bureau
 
© 2015 24.com. All rights reserved.
There are new stories on the homepage. Click here to see them.
 
English
Afrikaans
isiZulu

Hello 

Create Profile

Creating your profile will enable you to submit photos and stories to get published on News24.


Please provide a username for your profile page:

This username must be unique, cannot be edited and will be used in the URL to your profile page across the entire 24.com network.

Settings

Location Settings

News24 allows you to edit the display of certain components based on a location. If you wish to personalise the page based on your preferences, please select a location for each component and click "Submit" in order for the changes to take affect.




Facebook Sign-In

Hi News addict,

Join the News24 Community to be involved in breaking the news.

Log in with Facebook to comment and personalise news, weather and listings.