PLEASE NOTE:

MyNews24 is a user-generated section of News24.com. The stories here come from users.

 
GonzoMike
 
Comments: 9
Article views: 0
 
 
Latest Badges:



 
View all GonzoMike's badges.
 

How to Pick Up Girls FAST!

07 February 2013, 11:00

As a Creepy Loner, you may have difficulty adhering to certain social norms. You may find human interaction difficult, particularly with the opposite sex. Perhaps the festering chancre on your neck has afflicted you with low-self esteem, perhaps you were abandoned by your parents and left alone and weeping in the rubbish disposal behind Pick ‘n Pay amidst rotting vegetables and unsold Kurt Darren albums, only to be adopted by a tribe of Hippy Freegans scrounging together an existence by selling artwork made from discarded nylon stockings, perhaps you live in an isolated world of dank misery in your grandmother’s basement, thrown the occasional live mammal as food and once a week forced to dress up as a character from Pumpkin Patch and parade around the secluded premises for the twisted entertainment of her and her fetishist tea-party friends, or perhaps you went to an all boys school.

Whatever your situation may be, fear not! For after years of thorough research, I have discovered the Key Secret to picking up girls FAST.  I am about to dispense this information now!

The secret to picking up girls is grip. You don’t want those girls slipping when you try picking them up. Also, you should bend your knees and lock your back, this will prevent any self-inflicted injury.  Watch out though! Some feisty females have the tendency to resist being elevated. This stems from their inherent fear of heights. Before thrusting said female into the air, you should politely ask her, “Are you comfortable with heights?” the key is to sound as genuine and unthreatening as possible. Once you have an affirmative, place hands either beneath the arms of your selected companion or around the hips. Once again, remember to bend the knees and lock the back. Then in one fluid motion, lift female by straightening your arms. Congratulations! You have just picked up a girl!

If you struggled on this step, you may have to go into a deep squat position in order to exert enough upward force. The depth of your squat will depend on the height of the girl and also whether you are a freakishly tall spaghetti monster or an undersized circus-freak. As with any lifting exercise, make sure you start light and work up to heavier weights. Why not start with an anorexic and work your way up to the larger plus-sized Disco Divas?

Some people recommend plying women with alcohol before trying to pick them up. I find this to be a ridiculous thing to do! An inebriated Party Queen is likely to pass out mid-air and you’ll find yourself lifting dead weight! This inevitably leads to both of you crashing to the dance floor or into other party-goers in a great heap of twisted limbs and heartache. Worse than this, she might eject her last cocktail down the front of your sequenced Disco Shirt!

Good luck, Socially Inept Strangers! And remember: practice makes perfect!

Disclaimer: All articles and letters published on MyNews24 have been independently written by members of News24's community. The views of users published on News24 are therefore their own and do not necessarily represent the views of News24. News24 editors also reserve the right to edit or delete any and all comments received.

 

24.com publishes all comments posted on articles provided that they adhere to our Comments Policy. Should you wish to report a comment for editorial review, please do so by clicking the 'Report Comment' button to the right of each comment.

Comment on this story
9 comments
Comments have been closed for this article.

Read more from our Users

Submitted by
Kagisho Montjane
Like sands through the hour glass...

Growing up in the dusty street of Limpopo , people always get surprised when they find me immersed in the sound of Opera.  Read more...

0 comments 59 views
Submitted by
No Ohno
A reply to : Speaking to our pare...

On 2017-08-17 I read this posting by Ashanti Kunene : Speaking to our parents: how is this freedom? I didn't really want to reply, since I read postings like these daily, but there is just something about this posting that is haunting. Read more...

0 comments 117 views
Submitted by
Revelgen
Congratulations Makhosi Khoza - y...

When the history of South Africa is written in a few years' time, some names are going to stand out: people like Thuli Madonsela, who won the admiration of the world for the quiet, efficient, honest way she fulfilled the role of Public Protector. Read more...

0 comments 315 views
Submitted by
So,Recently
The Self-Destruction of the ANC

So, recently President Jacob Zuma survived another parliamentary vote of no confidence, his eight thus far.  Read more...

0 comments 575 views
Submitted by
Dandelion WCape
Responsibility, reconciliation an...

The loudest voices will be heard. Unfortunately those voices don’t always express well-considered, complex or nuanced thinking. Read more...

0 comments 244 views
Submitted by
CraigJoseph
The Mugabe incident...

The immediate association with the name “Mugabe”, automatically elicits thoughts of one Robert Gabriel Mugabe, who is (in)famous for his dictatorial rule over our neighbouring country Zimbabwe.  Read more...

0 comments 1799 views
 

services

E-mail Alerts The latest headlines in your inbox

RSS feeds News delivered really simply.

Mobile News24 on your mobile or PDA

E-mail Newsletters You choose what you want

News24 on Android Get the latest from News24 on your Android device.

SMS Alerts Get breaking news stories via SMS.

TV Get us in your home, on your television.

 
Interactive Advertising Bureau
 
© 2017 24.com. All rights reserved.
There are new stories on the homepage. Click here to see them.
 
English
Afrikaans
isiZulu

Hello 

Create Profile

Creating your profile will enable you to submit photos and stories to get published on News24.


Please provide a username for your profile page:

This username must be unique, cannot be edited and will be used in the URL to your profile page across the entire 24.com network.

Settings

Location Settings

News24 allows you to edit the display of certain components based on a location. If you wish to personalise the page based on your preferences, please select a location for each component and click "Submit" in order for the changes to take affect.




Facebook Sign-In

Hi News addict,

Join the News24 Community to be involved in breaking the news.

Log in with Facebook to comment and personalise news, weather and listings.