PLEASE NOTE:

MyNews24 is a user-generated section of News24.com. The stories here come from users.

 
GonzoMike
 
Comments: 9
Article views: 648
 
 
Latest Badges:



 
View all GonzoMike's badges.
 

How to Pick Up Girls FAST!

07 February 2013, 11:00

As a Creepy Loner, you may have difficulty adhering to certain social norms. You may find human interaction difficult, particularly with the opposite sex. Perhaps the festering chancre on your neck has afflicted you with low-self esteem, perhaps you were abandoned by your parents and left alone and weeping in the rubbish disposal behind Pick ‘n Pay amidst rotting vegetables and unsold Kurt Darren albums, only to be adopted by a tribe of Hippy Freegans scrounging together an existence by selling artwork made from discarded nylon stockings, perhaps you live in an isolated world of dank misery in your grandmother’s basement, thrown the occasional live mammal as food and once a week forced to dress up as a character from Pumpkin Patch and parade around the secluded premises for the twisted entertainment of her and her fetishist tea-party friends, or perhaps you went to an all boys school.

Whatever your situation may be, fear not! For after years of thorough research, I have discovered the Key Secret to picking up girls FAST.  I am about to dispense this information now!

The secret to picking up girls is grip. You don’t want those girls slipping when you try picking them up. Also, you should bend your knees and lock your back, this will prevent any self-inflicted injury.  Watch out though! Some feisty females have the tendency to resist being elevated. This stems from their inherent fear of heights. Before thrusting said female into the air, you should politely ask her, “Are you comfortable with heights?” the key is to sound as genuine and unthreatening as possible. Once you have an affirmative, place hands either beneath the arms of your selected companion or around the hips. Once again, remember to bend the knees and lock the back. Then in one fluid motion, lift female by straightening your arms. Congratulations! You have just picked up a girl!

If you struggled on this step, you may have to go into a deep squat position in order to exert enough upward force. The depth of your squat will depend on the height of the girl and also whether you are a freakishly tall spaghetti monster or an undersized circus-freak. As with any lifting exercise, make sure you start light and work up to heavier weights. Why not start with an anorexic and work your way up to the larger plus-sized Disco Divas?

Some people recommend plying women with alcohol before trying to pick them up. I find this to be a ridiculous thing to do! An inebriated Party Queen is likely to pass out mid-air and you’ll find yourself lifting dead weight! This inevitably leads to both of you crashing to the dance floor or into other party-goers in a great heap of twisted limbs and heartache. Worse than this, she might eject her last cocktail down the front of your sequenced Disco Shirt!

Good luck, Socially Inept Strangers! And remember: practice makes perfect!

Disclaimer: All articles and letters published on MyNews24 have been independently written by members of News24's community. The views of users published on News24 are therefore their own and do not necessarily represent the views of News24. News24 editors also reserve the right to edit or delete any and all comments received.

 

Read News24’s Comments Policy

24.com publishes all comments posted on articles provided that they adhere to our Comments Policy. Should you wish to report a comment for editorial review, please do so by clicking the 'Report Comment' button to the right of each comment.

Comment on this story
9 comments
Add your comment
Comment 0 characters remaining

Read more from our Users

Submitted by
Bill Gordon
Best Ways To Sell A Car That Does...

It’s often easy to think of our cars as people, sometimes even friends. Sadly, however, cars don't tend to last as long as people do.  Read more...

0 comments 463 views
Submitted by
Lesego Setou
5 Reasons why I love my president

One of the things JZ can do well, is that he does not take life too seriously. He clearly understand that worrying is never good for one’s vitality Read more...

24 comments 739 views
Submitted by
Govan Toni Maart
Can South Africa Can-can for Cann...

Before I can address the negatives or benefits of cannabis, we all first have to take a look at the current state our country and Government is in. Read more...

3 comments 319 views
Submitted by
Abwana Boomklouf
Smile, things can't get much wors...

Even though every day we hear stories of new maintenance issues, more money being poured into an bucket with no bottom and other other failing pieces of our economic structure, one must realise things can only get so much worse. Read more...

7 comments 640 views
Submitted by
Dave Ntozakhele Zizi
African Holidays

With the current bruhaha about suspending Christian or religious holidays, as for me its long ovetdue!  Read more...

37 comments 552 views
Submitted by
MIddleClassProblems
Behind closed doors: Who is Advoc...

The Public Protector still has not yet addressed the CIA spy allegations against herself directly. Read more...

8 comments 365 views
 

services

E-mail Alerts The latest headlines in your inbox

RSS feeds News delivered really simply.

Mobile News24 on your mobile or PDA

E-mail Newsletters You choose what you want

News24 on Android Get the latest from News24 on your Android device.

SMS Alerts Get breaking news stories via SMS.

Blogs Your opinion on you, me and everyone.

TV Get us in your home, on your television.

 
Interactive Advertising Bureau
 
© 2015 24.com. All rights reserved.
There are new stories on the homepage. Click here to see them.
 
English
Afrikaans
isiZulu

Hello 

Create Profile

Creating your profile will enable you to submit photos and stories to get published on News24.


Please provide a username for your profile page:

This username must be unique, cannot be edited and will be used in the URL to your profile page across the entire 24.com network.

Settings

Location Settings

News24 allows you to edit the display of certain components based on a location. If you wish to personalise the page based on your preferences, please select a location for each component and click "Submit" in order for the changes to take affect.




Facebook Sign-In

Hi News addict,

Join the News24 Community to be involved in breaking the news.

Log in with Facebook to comment and personalise news, weather and listings.