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How to Troll Like A Boss

26 November 2012, 19:31

There a quite a few trolls that visit this site on a regular basis, and while they are as annoying as sand fleas in the crotch of a camel jockey, they are sadly lacking in real talent at trolling. I would like to give them a quick lesson , as demonstrated by the Ubertroll , who goes by many names yet his style and flair is as distinctive as biltong. It’s as easy as clubbing baby seals.


A half decent computer with internet access ( wifi stolen from unwary neighbours is best for this)

For Xtreme trolling, having a computer and an iPad is a must , but I will go into detail later about that.

It is best if you are unemployed or at least self-employed   : actual work or a nosy boss hanging over your shoulder can be a real impediment to effective trolling.


Well, most of you are quite familiar with the technique of creating a fake Facebook profile, that’s elementary stuff, not worth rehashing here. The trick is fleshing out your fake profile. You can create a whole circle of imaginary friends, which is quite time consuming, or you can join an interest group on the other side of the Atlantic. Hijacking a photo for your profile pic is easy.

Pick any random schmuck who is not likely to find out about the identity theft. Look at the photo and imagine what kind of person this is. Give him/her a name that fits. Add some interests and likes that suit your character, and send out a hundred friend requests. At least five gullible fools will respond. Really  , some people will make friends with anybody on the internet! Voila, instant circle of friends. Now your character is legit.

Write articles of an inflammatory nature, articles that are guaranteed to get you a violent response. Make unpopular comments and rub people up the wrong way. (Listen to Gareth Cliff on 5FM, the man is a gold medallist at pissing people off, although he has toned down of late. I think he is getting some on a regular basis, so he’s not that angry)

To really set the cat among the pigeons is quite simple, but this requires a bit more dedication. Create TWO main characters, at opposite ends of the spectrum, say a hirsute feminist and an arrogant  male chauvinist. Log in as the one on your computer, and log in as the other on the iPad.  Have heated  arguments between the two characters. This is what separates the men from the boys. Being able to switch between two personalities is the mark of a REAL TROLL. Troll level; Ninja.

Sit back and watch the sparks fly!

The point system:

10 points: every time someone calls you a chop, douchebag or idiot.

15 points: when you get called an a**hole or they tell you to f**k off. Now you have  to escalate the offense  a bit to get this reaction.

20 points: if your character’s name gets mocked.

50 points: if they mention your character’s name in an article or refer to you on another thread.

100 BONUS points  :if you get a whole article  ddedicated  to one of your characters. Multiply that by 2 for    every     subsequent article written about you.

Keep an accurate score of the thumbs down for all your characters combined.

Now you are ready to be a bona fide internet nuisance.

Keep on trolling!

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