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Jean De Reuck
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How to smoke a snoek

14 January 2014, 14:03

Firstly, I have never smoked a snoek on the Weber before, so I have no idea, but I have smoked Norwegian salmon, angelfish, a leg of lamb, chicken, chops and even the odd piece of wors, so I sort of know what I would do to smoke a snoek, which I haven’t. 

Firstly , you need to get to your local Builders warehouse, and find your way to the section that sells Weber’s and stuff, not the paint section cause that’s where they keep the meths and turpentine, and fires and turpentine don’t mix, ask me I know, it’s a wonderful whoosh but the smell of burnt hairs isn’t nice, and anyways the meat always smells funny afterwards, and seeing as you smoking snoek it won’t be a good idea.

Usually they keep the oak chips on the bottom shelf, don’t know why and haven’t seen an attendant to ask them yet, but I will as soon as I see one I will. The usually sell different kinds of wood chips, but if I was going to smoke a snoek, which I haven’t, I would use the oak chips, not the powder chips but the chunky chips. Buy two packets if you can, cause it will save you a trip to your local builders warehouse when you wont to smoke something else, like maybe a piece of angelfish, cause that I have smoked before and I can tell you how to do it, but smoking snoek is something I haven’t done. Seeing as you so tall, you might need to get onto your hands and knees to get to the bottom shelf, this isn’t really advisable to do in a macho place like your local hardware store, but its ok to do in Edgars, just don’t play around with the tester perfume and shaving cream, the get irritated and then throw you out of the shop, which can be embarrassing if you the kind of person which gets embarrassed quickly, like I do. 

Once you have your prize proceed to the tills, and let other people pass you in the queue until the pretty cashiers till opens up, then smile nicely at her and tell she has beautiful teeth, or eyes, or ears depending which you think will work best, but if she says “Morning Oom” don’t bother, chances are you are too old for her or she goes to the same class as your daughter. Hurriedly rush to your car before security starts eyeballing you, and proceed home. Do not stop at the local pub on the way home, as there is a perfectly good chance there might be characters there called “Stinkie” and ‘Skurf”, or even worse “Bos”, and they very dodgy at the best of times, so if you do stop you know one beer is going to turn into many, and that isn’t a good seeing as you want to smoke snoek.

Once home, grab some charcoal and blitz and moer onto one half of the Weber, not in the middle as this isn’t a good idea, as you might end up burning your snoek, posting pictures of it on your fishing chat group and then getting ripped off for years to come they you don’t know how to braai, even though you do, although you haven’t smoked snoek in the Weber like me, but there is always a first time for everything, although this isn’t a good idea if it’s your first time riding a motorbike, as this can be dangerous or expensive, unless of course you borrow your best friends motorbike if you think you might drop it. Light the blitz with a match, or if you laarnie you can buy one of those gas lighters, which you can get at your local Builders Warehouse, they usually keep them at the section where they sell Weber’s and stuff, and not at the power tool section, cause you shouldn’t go there as the trip might turn into an expensive one, as we all know men like to have power tools. 

While the coals are heating up, take the oak chunks, not the shavings as they tend to be very light and end up floating into the air and then landing on your meat, or chicken depending what you braaing and then when your friends eat it if they lucky enough to be there will think you dropped the meat onto the sand like you usually do after a couple of beers at the local pub, which you didn’t do seeing as you were wanting to braai snoek, and soak the chunks in some water. I have heard rumors about soaking it in white wine, but I haven’t done this before, but I think a Chardonnay might be ok unless you the kind of oke who drinks Chenin Blanc , then you can try that, just make sure it’s not your wife’s wine as she might get upset and tell you in front of all your friends if they lucky enough to be there that you can’t cook or even worse that you think Heyneke Meyer picked most of the Springboks cause he is biased towards the Bulls.

 Once the coals are ready, gently put the lightly salted snoek onto the rooster, and into the Weber. Make sure you put the snoek on the opposite side of the coals, otherwise it will burn and taste like Stinkie’s chicken. Also make sure the snoek actually fits onto the braai grid, as you do not want the snoek to hang over the edges, as this will not only look funny but the outside pieces will not get smoked, and that will look really funny, almost like when you forget to put suntan lotion on and when you get home you all red and blistery excepting for where your speedo was where it is lilly white from seeing no sun unless you live close to Campsbay or even Seapoint so that you can go the Sandy Bay every other weekend. 

Once the snoek is on, remember to drain the water from the container that has your oak chips in it, otherwise when you pour it onto the fire it will dampen the coals and you have to start all over again, and pour the now damp oak chips onto the coals, not the snoek as this won’t work so lekka I think, seeing as I haven’t smoked a snoek but that’s what I think. Put you Weber lid on the Weber quickly, and make sure the vent at the bottom is complete open and that the vent at the top is only slightly open, but if I use my Weber in don’t bother with the top vent, as my lid is buckled for hitting our neighbours wall and landing in his garden, which didn’t happen the time I used turpentine on the fire but it actually happened when we had a big storm and it blew so hard the lid went flying into the neighbours property and the next morning he came to ask if it was our and this was the first time we spoke to him after living next door to him for almost three years. 

The smoke should quickly start pouring out of the Weber at this stage, and then this is when you remember to close all the windows on the braai side of the house before your wife moers you cause the house stinks like smoke and if you have a neighbour who greets you with a smile you warn him you will be smoking snoek for the first time and tell his wife she must not hang up ant washing as the washing will stink like smoke and she might be pretty or cute so just be careful. Once the smoke clears lift the lid and check on the snoek. If you think its ready take if of the Weber and share it with your friends if they lucky enough to have a friend like you who smokes snoek. I can’t tell you if the snoek is ready or not cause I haven’t smoked a snoek yet but if its all black and burnt chances are it was too long and if it taste too smoky changes are you used to much oak chips or you should have opened the top vent more.

 If the snoek taste goods I will take the credit but if it doesn’t it is because I haven’t smoked one yet…….

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