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Irukandji
 
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How to write a blockbuster movie

03 April 2012, 07:02

Is it just me or are we seeing the same movies over and over; with the same storylines and dialogue – with slightly shuffled plots – and the actors doing and saying the same things?

Almost every second movie is “based on a true story.” Notice the word “story.” Why not just base the movie on the “truth?” But that’s not important right now. Don’t you find that most movies are so predictable that you can almost lip-sync the script with the actors – even if you are seeing it for the first time.

So, how do you write a blockbuster? You simply take scenes from various old films, copy and paste them together – using the same dialogue – and, Voila!   

We’ll call our movie: “The Revenge of the Yellow Peril.”

Scene 1, Take 1

Two drunken bums, Johnny and Jack, are busy urinating in the Men’s in a third rate pub. The place is filthy and smelly. So are Jack and Johnny. Jack is an ex-army sniper, who later became a judge, who later got drunk and drove his car into a wall. He says he was framed, so he became a bum. Now he is safe; no one frames bums.

Jack’s Blackberry rings. Luckily Jack is ambidextrous – meaning he can speak two languages. “Hello,” he says, “Wie praat? OK, I’ll be there in five minutes. Hold on.”

He quickly zips up his fly – halfway through the urinational act – and runs out into the street with a half-full bladder; leaving Johnny to finish the half-full glass of beer which he had carelessly left on the bar counter.

The phone call was from a girl he had only met and spoken with once; at his matric farewell dance, thirty years ago. Jenny. And now she needed him. On the phone she pleaded: “Help me, Jack, you’re my only hope!”

Jumping in his rust eaten, battered Chevy truck, he leaves behind two black lines on the road; and a cloud of smoke – enough to kill all the cockroaches in Hong Kong.

Scene 2, Take 1

Inside a rundown warehouse, a badly beaten Jenny is tied to a chair with 150 meters of industrial type rope. A wicked Oriental gentleman (notice: I didn’t say bloody ugly Chinaman) is busy beating the living daylights out of her luscious body.   

“You never get away with this!” she moans.

“Velly well,” he says in a frightened voice, “In that case, I will untie you, and you can go. Please not to tell boyflend, Jack!”

Suddenly Jack’s truck comes crashing through the doors; completely smashing the headlights. “What is this place?” he asks no one in particular. He grabs Jenny and says gruffly: “Get in the car, let’s get out of here.”

With tortured tyres he crashes out of the building – leaving a highly upset Oriental behind. Also leaving behind a highly upset Oriental torso, head, arms, hands, legs, and feet. “You gonna pay for this!” the Chink mumbles, pointing at the smashed warehouse door.

Scene 3, Take 1

In a third rate motel room, Jack and Jenny are busy with the obligatory sex scene.

Scene 3, Take 6

In a third rate motel room, Jack and Jenny are still busy with the obligatory sex scene.

Scene 3, Take 15

In a third rate motel room, six hours later, Jack and Jenny are still busy with the obligatory sex scene.

“You owe me, Jenny,” he says.

“Damn you, Jack,” she says.

“Frankly, my dear, I don’t give a damn.”

Suddenly, they hear the Chinaman approaching. The unearthly sound of his squeaky rickshaw wheels is unmistakable.

Final Scene: Scene 4, Take 1

“I’m going to count to three,” whispers Jack.

“Let’s get out of here! Follow me! This way! Get in the car!” shouts Jack.

But it is too late! The room, together with Jack and Jenny, is blown to smithereens.

Outside the motel, the Chinaman walks in slow motion towards the camera, while in the background, the motel and everything within a fifty mile radius goes up in one massive, slow motion, fireball explosion.

“This one’s for my Glandfather, Fu Manchu,” he smiles as he pulls the rickshaw into the fog.

The End

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