Little Red Riding Hood, Grandma, Grandma's boyfriend Spider, Freddy the Woodcutter, and Wolf are hanging out in Spur. Grandma, the designated driver, is daintily sipping on a BarOne Shake, whilst the rest are getting sozzled on Brannas&Coke.
After downing dop number 4, Wolf starts whining, tears rolling down his cheeks.
Asks Red Riding Hood: 'Now, now Wolf, what's bothering you?'
Says Wolf: 'You know I've been done in by that damned fairy tale, and you all know it. I AM a human being! I am...'
Interrupts Grandma: '...nobody's ever disputed that dear. Now have another drink, and hush, before you embarrass yourself.'
Chips in Freddy: ' Ah Wolf my ou, so freakin' deep dude, say it like it is, say what everyone else is too scared to say!'
Wolf: 'I am a human being, my ancestors might have been Wolves, but I am a bloody human being.'
Red Riding Hood: 'Dear Wolf, you mean, your ancestors might have been HYENAS, this is South Africa, not Europe.'
Grandma: 'Stop this talk about species dear children, we are all the same. Nobody is questioning your humanity, beloved Wolf.'
Cries Spider: 'That's not what you said last night, Sugar...'
Says Harry: 'True thing Grams, you 're always going on about Wolf's tail, you human supremacist! Apologies Wolf, we are not all like this ghastly woman.'
Spider: 'Oh come off it Harry, you also sometimes complain about the way he smells...'
Red Riding Hood: 'Wolf is a human being! I taught him to say 'LOL' instead of 'hahaha'!'
Grandma: 'Indeed, and Harry and Spider are liars, I said you smelled charming and your tail was tall and sexy.'
Wolf: 'I am a human being, I enjoy real life footage of violent crime.... '
Spider: 'No son, that's South African, not necessarily human.'
Red Riding Hood: 'South Africans ARE human beings, we have guns and hit our children with sticks.'
Harry, with a twinkle in his eye and seductive voice: 'Good point babe, fancy some steak egg and chips later at the bar? I might show you my stick afterwards?'
Red Riding Hood: [Blushes] '...er...'
Spider: 'LOL, you wanna share that steak?'
Wolf: 'Count me in too chaps. See, I AM a human being because sharing is caring.'
Granny: 'Wolfie boy, let sleeping dogs lie. You're opening a can of worms here, what's your agenda?'
Wolf: 'No agenda Grandma, I am a human being, because I remember how it felt when you introduced me to the internet. And made me some braai broodjies. Eversince I never felt like hunting again, because I get to see my animal porn on National Geographic, blood sports on WWF, News24 and Twitter, whilst eating your pork chops.'
Spider: 'Animal porn? How f@cked up is that? Do you honestly call yourself a human being?'
Harry: 'Well, that sorta thing is legal in places like Germany and Brazil, so Wolfie's Fruedian slip aside, he is a human being! Love you Wolf, speak up for all those other wolves!'
Red Riding Hood: 'Not wolves, humans, you schweinhund!'
Grandma: 'Watch your tongue young lady! We get your point Wolf, we have moved on, you are a darned human being, so come of it!'
Wolf: 'Why you be-atch, you are the one who obscured the facts about our real story, depicting me as a murderer, when all I wanted from you was a bullet to kill that elephant!'
Spider: 'Young man, hands of my woman, I'll sommer donner you!'
Red Riding Hood: 'Wolf, Spider, Freddy, shame on you. Stop this sexism allready!'
Harry: 'LOL, see Spider, Wolf is like us - a human being, he shows them ladies' who's the boss.'
Grandma: 'Apologise, young man.'
Wolf: 'Tell the bloody truth!'
Red Riding Hood: [sob]
Harry: 'He is a human, he feels pain and causes it.'
Wolf: 'I only cause pain when needed, that's why I'm pro-drone attacks, see.'
Spider: [burp] 'Duhu, animals can also show compassion.'
Red Riding Hood: 'He is a human being, he donates to 'Save the Rhino.'
Harry: 'He is a human being, he's boycotting SANRAL.'
Spider: 'Ag man, conservation is for chimps, and you can teach any monkey civil disobedience.'
Grandma: [sigh] 'Very well then, the truth: He didn't swallow me. He killed the elephant who had been drinking the village's water for months. Zillions of people died of dehidration during that period,so thank goodness, Wolf shot the bastard. And then he won a Nobel Peace Prize. In 93, was it? I kind of obscured the facts, because the swallowing thing was a bit more exciting, people like blood and gore.'
Spider: [slurring]: 'f@ckin...hippie...vermin... not human....dancing...'
Little Red Riding Hood: 'He is a human being, you can find his 'I-am a-human-being' speech of 1996 on The Google, it was epic, people cried....'
Harry: 'He was our president?'
Red Riding Hood: 'Duhu, like twice. '
Harry: 'Totally human dude!'
Wolf: [crocodile tears] 'Yeah, and I fed that same 'I-am-a-human-being' b.s. to some Europeans in The Hague last week, and THEY loved it! They agreed (I think), to keep doing what they do best - to save us human beings from ourselves by helping themselves. YOU are the only jackass who won't admit that I.AM.A.HUMAN.BEING.'
Spider: 'Se-ri-ous?! Now that's legit sonny. My apologies, if the Europeans have marked you 'safe', who am I to argue? You are a human being!'
Grandma: 'You are a human being, and I lied. Could you ever forgive me, dear Wolf?'
Wolf: 'Sure thing, lady. And I apologise for calling you a you-know-what. Now that you got that off your chest...' [licking his chops]
Red Riding Hood, Harry, Spider and Grandma: 'Nooooooo!'
Wolf looking smug: [crunch...crunch...burp] I am a f@cking human being. I feed on double standards, pretentiousness, greed and stupidity aka blind faith. I f@ck people over - all the time, and nobody can stop me... LOL.'
*** this is a work of fiction, and you might recognise some of the names used, from a 'real' fairytale. The characters, although sharing some similarities with 'real people', are all figments of the author's twisted imagination. Three of the events mentioned are loosely based on the truth: the event in 1993 left the author with mixed emotions, the one in 1996 truly made her cry (still does), and she really thinks what a certain individual said last week was lame, pretentious and served an agenda of greed. Any resemblance to real events are in poor taste, but let's face it Mr Whatshisname, much as I (sometimes) like you, and althouh you're only human, your speech last week was plain common b.s...
Disclaimer: All articles and letters published on MyNews24 have been independently written by members of News24's community. The views of users published on News24 are therefore their own and do not necessarily represent the views of News24. News24 editors also reserve the right to edit or delete any and all comments received.