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I am taking over the world

02 January 2013, 08:45

Here is my 2013 New Year’s resolution: I’m going red. (No, Pinky, this does not mean that I’m going to join Mac Maharaj, Blade Nzimande, or the rest of the communist clowns). I’m going to actively oppose the “Green” movement. I’m going to destroy the World before the ANC does!

At last I’ve found my true purpose on Earth!

For some time now, I’ve been paying close attention to the confused messages coming from the bunny-huggers of this world. Ozone depletion, global warming, carbon footprints, melting of the bipolar caps, horny rhinos, overpopulation of atheists, deforestation of the Amazon rainforest, obesity, potholes – all these things pose a serious threat to mankind’s existence. (OK – womankind’s existence as well; just to keep the DA happy.)

Scientists agree that humans are influencing climate change with our production of greenhouse gases – mainly stemming from carbon dioxide and methane. Now this, I decided, was where I could make a difference. I would Lead SA (a Primedia Broadcasting initiative). I would stop farting in bed – thus cutting my methane emissions down to ground zero. (I also tried to breathe less often; but it made me feel dizzy and short of breath.)

The wife was enormously pleased with my commitment to saving the world. “My hero,” she said with a smile.

Unfortunately, I have never been able to function well under pressure. After just two days, I started feeling terribly bloated and uncomfortable.

On the fourth day – suddenly and involuntarily – I deflatulated. That was the end of our cockatiel. It also left our cat permanently deaf, dumb, and blind. I felt deflated and defeated. Delighted and depressed at the same time, you understand?

“Pig!” the wife muttered, while she was carrying the cat to its litter box.

“Revenge!” screamed my deflated ego: “Revenge!”

So I took a solemn oath: I promised to chop down every tree that ever lived in the Rainforest; to kill every horny rhino that crossed my path; to wear carbon-soled shoes whenever I leave the house; and to dig potholes all over the N1.

In the meantime, CO2 levels were still rising because we humans exhale the stuff. Tons of it every day – but still much too slowly for my “Revenge!”

Because I never fully understood the human respiratory system, I did some in-depth research. In so doing, I uncovered the following medical and scientific facts (don’t fart fret if you find it hard to understand the medical terms – I don’t either):

Normally, humans suck breathe in a gas called “oxymoron.” We exhale carbon dioxide. Upon inhalation, gas exchange occurs at the alveoli – the tiny Italian sacs which are the basic functional components of lungs and bagpipes.

Secretory immune-goblins (IgA), collectins (including Surfactant A and D), defensins and other peptides and proteases, reactive oxygen species, and reactive nitrogen species are all generated by airway epithelial cells. But that’s not important right now.

Carbon dioxide is heavier than the surrounding air, so a concentration of carbon dioxide near the floor may be high enough to displace oxygen, potentially posing a danger to pets.

(Ah-hah! Now I understand why my cockatiel passed on; and why the cat became dysfunctional! It was caused by excessive carbon dioxide build-up in my deflatulation mixture.)

And then there came a major breakthrough in my research.

I discovered that, by increasing the speed at which I breathe, I could actually produce more carbon dioxide. This will undoubtedly lead to an increase and build-up of CO2 in the atmosphere – causing a full-scale greenhouse global heating effect on the natural resources – which will eventually destroy the world and everyone on it.

And then, Pinky, I shall rule the World until Zuma comes again!

(Brain: “Pinky, are you pondering what I’m pondering?”

Pinky: “I think so Brain, but if you replace the C with a K in Jacob’s name, his name would be Kakkop, wouldn’t it?”)

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