PLEASE NOTE:

MyNews24 is a user-generated section of News24.com. The stories here come from users.

 
Irukandji
 
Comments: 22
Article views: 698
 
 
Latest Badges:



 
View all Irukandji's badges.
 

I am taking over the world

02 January 2013, 08:45

Here is my 2013 New Year’s resolution: I’m going red. (No, Pinky, this does not mean that I’m going to join Mac Maharaj, Blade Nzimande, or the rest of the communist clowns). I’m going to actively oppose the “Green” movement. I’m going to destroy the World before the ANC does!

At last I’ve found my true purpose on Earth!

For some time now, I’ve been paying close attention to the confused messages coming from the bunny-huggers of this world. Ozone depletion, global warming, carbon footprints, melting of the bipolar caps, horny rhinos, overpopulation of atheists, deforestation of the Amazon rainforest, obesity, potholes – all these things pose a serious threat to mankind’s existence. (OK – womankind’s existence as well; just to keep the DA happy.)

Scientists agree that humans are influencing climate change with our production of greenhouse gases – mainly stemming from carbon dioxide and methane. Now this, I decided, was where I could make a difference. I would Lead SA (a Primedia Broadcasting initiative). I would stop farting in bed – thus cutting my methane emissions down to ground zero. (I also tried to breathe less often; but it made me feel dizzy and short of breath.)

The wife was enormously pleased with my commitment to saving the world. “My hero,” she said with a smile.

Unfortunately, I have never been able to function well under pressure. After just two days, I started feeling terribly bloated and uncomfortable.

On the fourth day – suddenly and involuntarily – I deflatulated. That was the end of our cockatiel. It also left our cat permanently deaf, dumb, and blind. I felt deflated and defeated. Delighted and depressed at the same time, you understand?

“Pig!” the wife muttered, while she was carrying the cat to its litter box.

“Revenge!” screamed my deflated ego: “Revenge!”

So I took a solemn oath: I promised to chop down every tree that ever lived in the Rainforest; to kill every horny rhino that crossed my path; to wear carbon-soled shoes whenever I leave the house; and to dig potholes all over the N1.

In the meantime, CO2 levels were still rising because we humans exhale the stuff. Tons of it every day – but still much too slowly for my “Revenge!”

Because I never fully understood the human respiratory system, I did some in-depth research. In so doing, I uncovered the following medical and scientific facts (don’t fart fret if you find it hard to understand the medical terms – I don’t either):

Normally, humans suck breathe in a gas called “oxymoron.” We exhale carbon dioxide. Upon inhalation, gas exchange occurs at the alveoli – the tiny Italian sacs which are the basic functional components of lungs and bagpipes.

Secretory immune-goblins (IgA), collectins (including Surfactant A and D), defensins and other peptides and proteases, reactive oxygen species, and reactive nitrogen species are all generated by airway epithelial cells. But that’s not important right now.

Carbon dioxide is heavier than the surrounding air, so a concentration of carbon dioxide near the floor may be high enough to displace oxygen, potentially posing a danger to pets.

(Ah-hah! Now I understand why my cockatiel passed on; and why the cat became dysfunctional! It was caused by excessive carbon dioxide build-up in my deflatulation mixture.)

And then there came a major breakthrough in my research.

I discovered that, by increasing the speed at which I breathe, I could actually produce more carbon dioxide. This will undoubtedly lead to an increase and build-up of CO2 in the atmosphere – causing a full-scale greenhouse global heating effect on the natural resources – which will eventually destroy the world and everyone on it.

And then, Pinky, I shall rule the World until Zuma comes again!

(Brain: “Pinky, are you pondering what I’m pondering?”

Pinky: “I think so Brain, but if you replace the C with a K in Jacob’s name, his name would be Kakkop, wouldn’t it?”)

Disclaimer: All articles and letters published on MyNews24 have been independently written by members of News24's community. The views of users published on News24 are therefore their own and do not necessarily represent the views of News24. News24 editors also reserve the right to edit or delete any and all comments received.
 

Read News24’s Comments Policy

24.com publishes all comments posted on articles provided that they adhere to our Comments Policy. Should you wish to report a comment for editorial review, please do so by clicking the 'Report Comment' button to the right of each comment.

Comment on this story
22 comments
Add your comment
Comment 0 characters remaining

Read more from our Users

Submitted by
ruffieb
Why are you leaving?

The Question that African Presidents Do Not Want To Ask. Read more...

10 comments 728 views
Submitted by
ProJusticio
Why I am not full of CRAP

I accept the person in front to me as an equal human until he or she does something to change that perception.  Read more...

25 comments 395 views
Submitted by
pieterpompies
I, Human

I have, over the past few years, glanced at various secular humanist websites, and have found that my personal life philosophy is very much aligned with their goals - almost to a tee. Read more...

53 comments 551 views
Submitted by
Kurt Ellis
Gangs in Durban

Like most people who watched Carte Blanche this Sunday, I was flabbergasted by the comments of Brigadier Sayers, who stated that there are no gang activities in Wentworth. That the four drive-by shootings that occurred on Christmas day were just part of general festive activities. Read more...

2 comments 842 views
Submitted by
Gabriel Wired
Religion: A gift to the Apex Crea...

Quite simply - for a while now I have been watching with interest Atheists, Agnostics and “Those of Religion” tear into each other showing little respect or sympathy for the other’s standing. Read more...

71 comments 1208 views
Submitted by
Laubcher van Zyl
Betty's Bay fires

Fire has been raging in Bettys Bay in the Overstrand for more than 48 hours now Read more...

0 comments 1047 views

Jobs in Cape Town [change area]

Property [change area]

Travel - Look, Book, Go!

Kalahari.com - shop online today

40% off top appliances!

Save 40% on the top 10 appliances on kalahari.com. While stocks last. Shop now!

Save 20% on Camping gear!

Buy 4 camping items and save 20%. While stocks last. Shop now!

Fifty Shades of Grey!

This great read will captivate you from cover to cover and leave you itching for more. Get your copy now!

20% off braai items!

Save 20% when you buy 2 braai items. While stocks last. Shop now!

30% off Pampers!

Save 30% when you buy 3 or more selected pampers products. While stocks last. Shop now!

 

services

E-mail Alerts The latest headlines in your inbox

RSS feeds News delivered really simply.

Mobile News24 on your mobile or PDA

E-mail Newsletters You choose what you want

News24 on your iPhone Get News24 headlines on your iPhone.

SMS Alerts Get breaking news stories via SMS.

Blogs Your opinion on you, me and everyone.

Calais Website keywords automated by OpenCalais.

 
Interactive Advertising Bureau
 
© 2015 24.com. All rights reserved.
There are new stories on the homepage. Click here to see them.
 
English
Afrikaans
isiZulu

Hello 

Create Profile

Creating your profile will enable you to submit photos and stories to get published on News24.


Please provide a username for your profile page:

This username must be unique, cannot be edited and will be used in the URL to your profile page across the entire 24.com network.

Settings

Location Settings

News24 allows you to edit the display of certain components based on a location. If you wish to personalise the page based on your preferences, please select a location for each component and click "Submit" in order for the changes to take affect.




Facebook Sign-In

Hi News addict,

Join the News24 Community to be involved in breaking the news.

Log in with Facebook to comment and personalise news, weather and listings.