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I despise these animal lovers

27 April 2012, 08:37

Contrary to what you might think, the vast majority of South Africans are not animal lovers – in the normal sense, that is. Horror stories from the newspapers, and a visit to your local SPCA, can confirm this fact.

A government upliftment project, near Piet Retief in Mpumalanga, has (predictably) failed when 3000 chickens had to be killed by the SPCA after they were left to starve to death. The SPCA's farm unit inspector said the chickens had started cannibalising each other, and it was the "worst example of cruelty" he had seen in his career.

Ghandi said, "The greatness of a nation, and its moral progress, can be judged by the way its animals are treated." In this country “greatness and moral progress” are foreign concepts. Rape has become a national pastime – not even animals are safe. How on earth do you explain the high incidence of bestiality?

Everyone knows the jokes about Australia; where men are men and sheep are nervous. But here in South Africa – sheep, goats, dogs, donkeys, cows, in fact – all our animals are nervous of being sexually abused. (If animals had cell phones and wallets, they would be robbed and murdered, as well. But that’s another story.)

At 4am on Sunday morning, on a farm near Phalaborwa, the farmer woke up because of the racket his sheep were making. (They were singing “Four legs good, two legs bad,” I kid you not!”) A naked man was found among the sheep. His explanation was that he took off his clothes in order to camouflage himself from thugs who were chasing him.

So, taking off one’s clothes makes you look like a sheep?

Some six months ago, a man appeared in the Ga-Rankuwa Magistrate’s Court for raping his goat. His wife called the cops when she found him in a compromising position with the animal. He was arrested. I’ll bet that got his goat!

Recently there have been the cases of a Transkei man sentenced to 12 months in jail for having sex with a sheep; Grahamstown youths “gang raping” a dog; a Free State farm worker – who was spotted by passing motorists – standing on a dunghill having intercourse with a cow.

A Katlehong man was arrested for having sex with the family dog that had been in their care for three years. It is not known what breed the dog was. The man’s sister witnessed the incident and told her parents. The parents called the cops. It is not known what breed the man was. He was arrested and charged with bestiality.

No story is complete without something from our neighbouring country, the Ruins of Zimbabwe:

A man from Zim was arrested in the town of Zvishavane – for having sex with a donkey. This happened after witnesses saw him doing the dastardly deed one Sunday morning. He told a court that he hired a prostitute at a bar on Saturday night. During the night she transformed herself into a donkey, and that he was now “seriously” in love with the donkey.

Sounds like a plausible explanation, right?

Meanwhile, back in the old rape capital of the world, Zumania, we have another animal love story:

A former police captain, Richard Stevens Makhene, who was filmed taking R100 and a live sheep as a bribe, has been sentenced to five years in jail by the Pretoria North Magistrate’s Court. Our corrupt cops have been accepting money, as bribes, for a long time. But this poor sheep! *Num-num?

Who knows?

As a matter of interest:

Bestiality is a common law offence in South Africa, meaning that like murder, there is no specific legislation against it.

A handful of countries in the world have no laws against bestiality, the most regularly cited being Sweden, which legalised the practice in 1944 along with homosexuality.

Copulating with a female alpaca is still specifically against the law in Peru.

*Indulging in free sex with a prostitute is called “num-num,” in police circles.

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