If you have left your sense of humour at home, or are thin-skinned, then please do not read any further… I have no wish to offend anyone. (Annoy some, yes, if I am to be truthful, but not offend.)
I have been soundly rebuked for not being sufficiently Christian. I stand before you, hanging my head in shame… Oh dear.
It has been noted that I fail to chastise those who make derogatory remarks about God, Jesus and Christianity. I am told that I am supposed to immediately rebuke all and sundry. With Christian love, of course.
So, chaps, I say this (with love, you understand):
Bad atheists! Naughty atheists! Stop it at once! You have all quite clearly failed to understand what you were reading, and therefore should not be making comments from such ignorance. It is upsetting people. Cease! Desist! Forthwith! (And third-and-fifth-with too.)
I find this rebuking business quite confusing. On the one hand, I am told that I am not a Christian, on the other hand I am told that “my fellow Christians” must, in terms of Biblical instruction, rebuke and correct me when I am wrong and not being a good Christian. So which is it? Am I, or am I not? I do wish they would make up their collective minds on this issue – it would make my life so much more tranquil. (Oh dear, now I sound like I am being a victim. Ah well, so be it, victim I shall be.)
I have been severely reprimanded for stating that atheists are not Satanists. The reasoning behind this is apparently that Satanists oppose Christianity, and atheists oppose Christianity, ergo, all atheists are Satanists. (No-one has quite said whether the opposite is also true – are all Satanists then atheists?) The fact that atheists do not believe in Satan, and are therefore quite unable to be Satanists, seems to have escaped some of us. None-the-less, I will consider myself as having been reprimanded.
Another issue over which I have apparently transgressed relates to wishing well to those who have lost their faith (careless atheists, losing things like that!). I am not supposed to wish anyone well who has chosen a different path to that of Christianity. I am apparently supposed to immediately don sack-cloth and ashes, and weep for your loss and ultimate transference to the fiery pits of Hell. I would do this, gladly, if I actually believed that there is such a thing as hell. But I don’t. So I can’t. My bad.
I received a harsh scolding or two for never praising a Christian article. My protestations that I do (and will continue to do so) give praise where I consider it is due went unheeded. Clearly, I am not vocal enough in my support, so I will henceforth be joining the gleeful ones in rejoicing about the imminent end of the world, and the mass atheist exodus to fiery pits…. Oh wait, no, I can’t do that – I don’t believe in the fiery pits. My bad.
Now, atheists – listen up. I have received numerous admonishments about praising your articles. Please stop writing anything that even remotely makes sense – and no, it doesn’t matter what the subject may be. Please, no more informative scientific articles, no more hauntingly beautiful musings on nature, please, do not even write about your dogs and cats. Any more articles from you lot and I will assume that you are now just deliberately trying to get me into trouble.
And another thing, atheists – stop putting links to those “imgur” thingies. Some of them make me laugh, and I don’t think I am supposed to find them funny. (Henry, did you get that?) And no more wise-cracking comments either – those make me actually laugh OUT LOUD. I am quite sure that would be frowned upon. (Charles EvenDumber, Coenraad, etc, are you listening?)
Now I must, painful as it is, address Mememan. Please change your name. Immediately. Yes, I know you were here before me, but Lyle, in particular, has picked up that we have the same initials, and has thus decided we are us, or is that us are we? No, I mean that you are me. No, I mean that I am you. Whatever! But as Merry is actually my name, and I am sure that your Mom did not christen you Meme, you must change your name. Please. You are confusing people, and that is not acceptable to some. Change your name to something more appropriate like, oh, I don’t know, perhaps “The Horned One”, or “Eater of Babies”, or something.
Now, as this has so far been somewhat one-sided, what with all the rebuking, reproving and lecturing of the atheists, it is only fair that I address some of my fellow Christians… And for this, I will take my tongue out of my cheek.
I thank you for your concerns for my soul, for your trepidation about my ultimate fate, and for your loving cautions about my comments on this forum. As you can see, I have taken your warnings to heart.
I have considered all the charges you have put to me.
I understand that, in your collective opinion, I have erred.
It is clear, given that I apparently make comments that “place reasonable doubt on other Christian comments”, that I make you somewhat uneasy.
I am sorry you feel that way. I am sorry that I appear to be a thorn in your side. I am sorry that I am insufficiently Christian for you. At the risk of “playing the victim” (again), I would however ask you to remember that I tend to refer to myself as a believer in God – I have stated openly that I hesitate to use the term Christian, as my beliefs are clearly not the same as the Christian norms.
So, before I get yet another batch of invective in my FB inbox from the chief spokesperson, let me assure you all of this:
You need have no fear for my soul – it is safe in God’s hands.
And as the safety of my soul should, as Christians, be your only concern for me, or for anyone else, I will leave it at that.
Peanut butter (and Jam), Pap and Braaivleis, and most of all,
Peace and blessings.