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I’m not LinkedIn with Louie

10 January 2014, 11:05

Years ago, there was this co-worker of mine (let’s call him Louie, because after all, it was his real name) who loved to blow his own horn. Louie was always talking about his years at varsity, and loved to brag about his academic accomplishments. He told me about a website called “LinkedIn.” This was a social networking website for people in professional occupations – like the two of us. Louie had signed up with them, and he wanted me to do the same.

The idea was to register as a user on LinkedIn and create a profile, with details about your education, work experience, and competencies. (No, Sakkie, not like the fake résumés, and fraudulent CV’s of the corrupt ANC ministers and incompetent government officials – you have to be honest when you create your profile.)

Registered users can keep in touch with the people within their own network and get updated information about their current occupations.

Employers can also search the site for suitably qualified people. (Note: Remember the Employers.)

I didn’t like Louie – so I didn’t register on LinkedIn. Plus the fact that putting all my stuff out there for the world to see, would make me feel like those ladies from De Walletjes.

De Walletjes is the largest and best known red-light district in Amsterdam. It consists of approximately three hundred one-room cabins – rented by prostitutes – who offer their sexual services from behind a window or glass door; typically illuminated with red lights. Customers can do a bit of “window shopping” before making a purchase, so to speak.

Being rather shy and introverted, I didn’t feel comfortable putting my CV behind a LinkedIn brothel window, or a glass door, which was illuminated with a red light. Beside, being happily married, I wasn’t looking for customers anyway.

Plus the fact that I didn’t like Louie.

And so the years rolled by … I retired and turned into an old fart … a happy old fart, at that. I forgot all about LinkedIn. And Louie. And a lot of other things besides.

Until the other day when I received an e-mail from LinkedIn, inviting me to register as a user. This time, with no Louie around, I decided to give it a try:

I am still rather shy and introverted, as you well know – and definitely not looking for a job – so I made up a fictitious, fabricated, avatar-type profile. I called myself *Eric de la Vega de Castro. (For various reasons, which are not important right now.)

I found an interesting photo of someone’s face on the Internet, and using it as my own mugshot; I created Eric’s credentials on the LinkedIn site:

Eric de la Vega de Castro’s Experience:

South Africa: Executive Office

Owner: Criminals Incorporated

April 1994 – Present (19 years 10 months). All over South Africa

We are in the business of robbing, raping, and murdering innocent people. Also dealing in drugs and the odd hijacking. Normal South African stuff, you know?

Eric de la Vega de Castro’s Skills and Expertise:

Drug dealing, Hijacking, Rape, Murder, Robbery

Eric de la Vega de Castro’s Skills and Education:

Soweto Primary: 1980 – 2015 (expected)

Master’s degree in Crime

Highest Qualification: Grade 4. It was very nice – I’m yeppie.

Activities and Societies: Ben School, Rape the Gells, Stab Teechas and other Lennas, ANC Creemeenal Youth Society

Eric de la Vega de Castro’s Additional Information:

Interests: Political Corruption – I want to do it

(And with that lot of nonsense, I thought that it would be the end of the story.)

Ha! What do I know? Nothing, I tell you! Now the Employers (remember them?) have come to haunt me! Yesterday I received an e-mail (I kid you not), which reads:

Eric: Eaton, IBM, and Absa are looking for candidates like you.

And then there followed a looong list of companies who want me to work for them!

Absa – Anti Money Laundering Investigations Specialist

IBM – Market Segment Manager: South Africa

Eaton – Senior Financial Analyst Vehicle Division South Africa

SAB Miller – Service Transition Manager

Adidas – Senior Legal and Compliance Manager

And on, and on, and on…

That bloody Louie! If he wasn’t such an absolute sheethouse, I would have registered with LinkedIn years ago, when I was still working!

Just think of all the money I could have made!

*You can check me on my De Walletjes link:

PS.   Eric de la Vega de Castro has also received an invitation from the Portuguese Forum to rebuild solidarity within the Portuguese community in South Africa.

It’s all Louie’s fault, I tell you! He must have buggered up their solidarity as well...

Now they want me to work in a Portuguese cafe – selling banansh, guavsh, pawposh, and grenadelsh.

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