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Daisy Jones
 
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I'm not well upstairs.

08 July 2014, 23:00

I should never become president of this country; I have a really sick mind, I've just realised. 

 The crime in this country is disgusting, horrific and actually embarrassing. Every time I log onto to News24 or any other news forum I'm bombarded with news of robberies, corruption, assault, rape, murder - the list goes on and on. 

Now I am a Christian woman and I know what Jesus came to teach about forgiveness but I can't help thinking: "how would I deal with this if I were president?" 

The answer isn't very Christian of me...

Robberies:

Chop off the hand that stole, make him/her walk around with the stump so that everybody knows he/she is a criminal. A tattoo on their forehead with these words “my hand was chopped off because I’m a thief”

Corruption:

Take everything the corrupter has, make them live in poverty for 5 years. I mean real poverty, I mean the kind of poverty that has him digging through dustbins and begging on the streets. The kind of poverty the poor are living and trying their best get out of – the legal way. Once the 5 years is up, offer him a job where he has to start at the bottom. A tattoo on the forehead with these words

Assault:

Turning the other cheek in this instance isn't going to happen. An eye for an eye is more like it. Depending on the assault, you will be assaulted the same way you assaulted the other person only time 10. If you're an adult and you assault a child, you will be assaulted by your peers and the child in question will get to kick you in the teeth with your mouth closed. If your teeth do not break from the child's kick, an adult will kick you to make sure they break.

Rape:

Oh rape, this one is very dear to me. If you rape, you will be raped right back. I will go to Nigeria and find the biggest penis there and bring it back to rape you. You will become this man's little bitch. For the next 6 months straight you will be raped by this man every hour on the hour for an hour. When the 6 months is up, your penis will be chopped off in full view of a cheering crowd. Your victims will come and feed you your very own penis - raw. You will then be sent back to the Nigerian for a life of sodomy. If you rape children, grannies and babies, the above still applies but afterwards, you will be set alight to burn to death – slowly.

Murder:

Now I know that most people would just scream “DEATH PENALTY!!” but I think that just too easy. If you brutally murder someone why should you get a humane death, you don’t deserve it. You are going to suffer before you die, I will make sure of it.  You have 10 fingers and 10 toes. For the next 10 months one finger and one toe will be chopped off – sans local anaesthetic – and your stumps will be dipped into vinegar and salt with some chilli powder. You are going to feel the pain each time for the next ten months.  Should you still be alive after all your toes and fingers are gone, your tongue is next, then your nipples, your ears and then your eyes. You will then be sent into the wilderness to fend for yourself in the dead of winter. If you’re caught along the coast, you will be thrown into the ocean.

On the positive side, the economy would be booming, hospitals would be better, education would improve and crime would depreciate.

I’m not a bad person, I just hate crime.

Please do not make me president, I’m not well upstairs.

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