I've dated you Mr. Money. The one with the fancy car and the big cash. You feel like because you've made your fortune you're better at life than us mere mortals. You are obsessed with money and how much of it you have. You have to have the best of everything. The expensive cologne, the designer jeans, the cars and the women, you gotta have ‘em all. Only the best is good for you! You can only talk about you and your money but frankly, I find you boring. You're not who I'm looking for.
Yup, I've dated you Mr. Broke Ass. You are constantly prowling looking for another woman to support you for the next couple of months until she kicks you out. You lounged around my house the whole day, eating my food, smoking my cigarettes and even borrowing money. I'm sorry but I work hard for my money. I don't expect anyone to support me so why should I support you. Go get a REAL job. Not one of your get rich quick schemes that's going to pan out any second. Also, you’re 37. Your band is not going to make it big, baby. Sorry. Before you go get a job, go get a haircut. You're not who I'm looking for.
And yes, I've dated you Mr. Ego. You take more time than me to get ready and spend more money on hair products that I do. You look good. You smell good and by god, you know it! You think you grace me with your presence and I should be grateful that you spend time with me. You're always looking across my shoulder for the next conquest because, quite frankly, in your opinion, you could do better. Why would you settle for someone average if you're so fabulous yourself? That’s quite all right by me, you're not what I'm looking for either.
I've also dated you Mr. Arrogance. You think you know better than everyone and everything and you are more than willing to show people the error of their ways. Obviously, if someone doesn’t agree with you, they're wrong by default. You will scream, perform and even bide your time to find that perfect moment to prove once and for all that you were right and they/I was wrong. Sorry, I don't keep score. You’ve been in more bar fights that you care to mention in polite society and you’re kind of proud of it too? I guy cannot look at you (or me funny) and the little neck (which reminds me of a rooster) comes out. You're not who I'm looking for though.
Now who I haven't dated is you Mr. Right. You're cool, relaxed, takes more than 2 showers a week and you are self-sufficient. You care about animals and you don't feel the need to drain a whiskey bottle if it's there for the f@ck of it. You have a dry sense of humour and you tip the waitress. Why? Because you're not an asshole in general. You are not a supermodel. You have laugh lines. You're not a fitness fanatic and prefer to lie in with a good Terry Pratchett opposed to waking up at 5am to go jog. You enjoy a cigarette. You avoid drama. You're not a midget. You like old rock (and you hate trance). You've been around the block and maybe you have a kid or two and also just trying to figure this dating in your 30’s thing out, like me (without telling me day after day what a cow your ex was). You're willing to give love a second shot.
IF ANYONE HAS SEEN MR RIGHT AS ENVISAGED ABOVE, PLEASE LET ME KNOW AS A MATTER OF URGENCY.