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Charles Dumbwin
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Instant Universe – Just add...

20 June 2012, 21:57
If you were one of those kids in school who took a little too much pleasure in dissecting frogs or blowing stuff up in science class, then the following recipe might interest you: 

How to create your own universe.


1 x 10kg Box of Nothing (also known as the eternally-elusive stuff called Dark Matter)

15 x Billions of Years

1 x Bag of Invoke-Supernatural Fairy Dust

1 x Handful of Unexplainable Randomness

1 x Can of Primordial Soup

1 x Tumble dryer (yes, a freakin tumble dryer)


First, through Box of Nothing into tumble dryer and set to max speed, max heat.  No, not lukewarm you wuss, I’m talking the-Devil’s-private-stash-of-Hellish-Habanero hot. 

Add 1/3 of Unexplainable Randomness and a few Billions of Years and stand back.  Wait.  W-a-a-a-a-a-it...  ???  Throw another pinch of Unexplainable Randomness for good measure.  Still nothing?  Silly me, forget to add pinch of Invoke-Supernatural Fairy Dust.  Now wait, not sure how long.  This could take a while, go fetch a good book.

When the cataclysmic, random, cosmic explosion eventually occurs, your rapidly expanding universe of nothingness is starting to form.  Now, throw in a few more Billions of Years, another 1/3 of Unexplainable Randomness and a generous helping of Invoke-Supernatural Fairy Dust.  Where’s the tumble dryer?  Don’t worry about it.  It’s orbiting a black hole somewhere around Omega-quadrant’s Supernova. 

At this point, you should see this universal monstrosity of disastrous chaos, magically begin to organise itself into planets, moons, starts, galaxies, etc.  Throw in a few more Billions of Years if it’s taking too long.

Now, pick a planet.  Earth is good cause it’s perfectly situated around the Sun for life to exist.  Go on, pick Earth.  Do it!  Okay then, open can of Primordial Soup and throw at Earth, just hurl it in there. 

Add more Billions of Years, the last 1/3 of Unexplainable Randomness, and an even bigger helping of Invoke-Supernatural Fairy Dust and go get that book again. 

After who knows how long, your first miraculous micro-organisms should magically appear, and after that harrowing tumble dryer experience, they’ll be very keen to start breeding asap to ensure their species’ survival.  Throw in another portion of Billions of Years, and the amorous amoebas will magically grow limbs and will jump out the soup and onto dry land.  At this point the little critters look like fresh turds with hands, don’t tease them.

Throw in any and all remaining ingredients and the turds will evolve into a number of different, highly complex species.  Human beings come much later (you might wish to terminate your project before their arrival cause they’ll just mess everything up).

Now take your experiment to your science teacher and let her sing your praises.

Oh yes, if she questions the legitimacy of your claims, just call it science and she’ll believe you.

** PS – I promised an atheist troll that I would NOT USE ANY SCIENCE when I explained everything in my next (this) article.  I think I’ve achieved that.

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