So comrade, chief, or whatever you call yourself nowadays, you are most probably thinking that with the coming elections and you backing ‘your principal’ - you are most likely to finally get that CEO position in one of the parastatals or scheduled entities or a junior ministerial post? “It’s our turn to eat” you are thinking? Well I’ve got news for you baba, there is so many of you in that queue and as soon as you get in there someone is already pulling you down.
Never mind the toyi-toyi you did with township people, they can go burn a clinic or two. The “it’s our turn to eat” and “I didn’t join the struggle to be poor” courses are so 2009, now it’s all about you. Your objective here should be skinning that buffalo, the squatter camp residents can come for the bones to make soup. You need to work that meat and throw a braai or two for you big bellied, pointy shoed, shiny suits with cheap cigar friends. I have put together a one day affirmation workshop to get you going comrade, it’s your turn to eat and no one should get in your way. Say after me “It’s my turn to eat”, say it like you mean it, again “it’s my turn to eat!!!”
I have trained a lot of people on this, in fact African heads of state have graduated from this. The workshop is just seven steps that are designed for go getters; ask Teodoro Obiang Nguema Mbasongo and his son Teodoro Obiang Nguema Mangue. The Nguemas did the course and they have achieved so much success that they have houses in Cape Town; Los Angeles; countless businesses. You name it, the Nguemas have it. Hell, their country imports more French champagne than basic food, party all the way. You too can be like that. This course is so good that a lazy student can easily score a tender. First class students are in the stature of the Nguemas; Charles Taylor; and off course uncle Bob. Okay, here you go:
Step one – Focus, Focus, and Focus
This is a point departure for all my lectures, ferchissake focus, and focus. If the objective is mining shares worth millions or a multi-billion rands worth toll tender, there is no need to get excited about a credit card funded by taxpayers or is there? I assume that you did not join the struggle just to eat fish and chips - or was that Ocean Basket you say? Well, if it smells like fish and chips then to me it is fish and chips. The idea here is to amass wealth in a very short space of time so you have no reason buying Nando’s and some junk food for R50k. Focus, focus, focus. In fact give the credit card to your secretary of some junior staff member – err, no, no, not the D-cup junior that normally brings documents to you in your hotel room okay, focus.
Step two – if the paper is not a cheque don’t pay attention to it
…not unless it’s a paper that requires your signature so that you can get a cheque or some Randelas being deposited to your cousin’s cousin’s wife’s account, you pay no attention to it, got that, no attention. In fact don’t even read the so-called ‘contracts’, get someone to read it for you, even if it’s your gardener as long as he has matric (even if his name is Matric).
Step three – buy a carpet, make it a big one
What for? You will need to sweep matter somewhere. If you have a wooden floor office where are you going to be sweeping matters to than under the carpet? It doesn't matter where you buy it, you can even get one at McDonalds' drive through. This is the only time you can use the credit card.
Step four – have a scape goat
No, it’s not a farming tender for your uncle in Phuthabungwendu or some other forsaken place in poor Eastern Cape, and again it’s not an actual goat. I said you must FOCUS, jeez! Get someone to put the blame on, be it a junior staffer, a comrade in the movement, the racist opposition or the liberal controlled media. Even if you sleep with a comrade and you have a child blame it on the opposition party for planting an agent. Blame it on something other than yourself, take no blame okay. If you are accused a 100 times have a scapegoat a 100 times.
Step five – Spin it like a yo-yo
Learn to use big meaningless words. Say after me: “anti-revolutionary”, again, again. Now make sure that you keep that term and learn how to use it in every sentence, whether it makes sense or not. If by some strange reason your political opponents plant a D-cup “mole” on a mini-skirt in your office and a journalist asks you why did you corner and fondle the junior staff member, your response should be “these allegations are not only malevolent but they are counter-revolutionary as well. This is an orchestrated attempt by imperial agents working to destabilize the movement and government”. Say nothing more than this.
Step six - Set up a commission of enquiry
The trick to such commissions is that you should first talk to “your principal” to ensure that the commissioners appointed are in “your camp”. Still with the commission you have to revert to step four and step five above. Make sure that there is enough catering, the commissioners cannot deliberate on an empty stomach. In fact speaking of empty stomach, tell your secretary that the catering job for the commission should go to the wife of the chairperson of the commission.
Step seven – put out an advertorial
You need a praise singer, no, no, don’t get one all dressed up in traditional attire. That is so 1994. You need to show the bourgeois middle class as well as the elite of this society that you are delivering. Why? They are ones making noise about government failing.
….and it all comes together
Well you have followed the seven steps and I tell you that by now even if your comrades can orchestrate your removal you have buttered your side of the bread well to last you into your next job in that old white building down in Cape Town.
I must warn you though that in as much as this course is good some people do get caught. So not unless you have a very powerful position you must tread carefully. Paper work might come back to haunt you, eventually you might also run out of scapegoats and the spin not working as intended. Be careful of the dirt pilling up under the carpet as well as fruitless expenditure on the adverts and the commission of enquiry. Why you ask? Well, doing all these in excess puts you in the radar of one public protector. Unfortunately we have developed a course on how to bypass that system.
Good luck with the public protector nevertheless.
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