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Jack and the beanstalk

25 September 2012, 07:21

I’ve often wondered if fairy tales are actually based on true incidents and events. Imagine that the Jack and the Beanstalk story happened in South Africa today – the news report and headlines on News24 would probably look like this:

Boy kills giant – cuts down bean plant

According to sources, Jack, aged eleven, who lives with his mother in a dilapidated RDP house, has allegedly killed a huge man who had been stalking him for some time. Jack denies all charges, saying: “I shall treat these allegations with the contempt it deserves. I hereby wish to state categorically that I am not a murderer. I will die for the ANC.”

Jack’s mother, who prefers to remain anonymous (not even Jack knows her real name), has told reporters that Jack is severely traumatised by the events of the past month.

“Jack is severely traumatised by the events of the past month,” she said. That’s exactly what she said. To reporters. Anonymously.

It all started when Jack came home with five beans (which, he swore under oath, was given to him by a street vendor in the Tshwane CBD area). Curiously, this event took place at around the same time that their cow, *Milky-Black, went missing. But that’s not important right now.

The mother admits to throwing the beans out the window; but strongly denies assaulting Jack, or locking him up for extended periods in his room without food and water.

She does, however, confirm rumours of a genetically modified (GM) bean-like plant which sprouted outside Jack’s window – growing to an incredible height. A spokesperson from Monsanto refuses to comment on this issue.

Jack, who has a long history of bunking school, housebreaking, petty theft, resisting arrest, and telling tall tales, was frequently spotted entering the giant’s house. Jack fervently denies these allegations.

“I fervently deny these allegations,” he said.

The giant’s wife remains tight-lipped over her husband’s death and the events that led to his tragic downfall.

“He was very fond of young boys although he was no priest. Unlike those Bishop-fellows and their shenanigans with the altar boys,” she explained – speaking through stiff lips.

“And he never sang the struggling ANC-song: Fee, Fi, Fo, Fum, I smell the blood of an Englishman,” she communicated with some difficulty, through tightly stretched lips.

Still stiff lipped, she told our reporter: “My husband was a staunch DA supporter. He would never insult the British.”

“He was a **stalwart during the struggle, a giant. ***Kuyashisa kakhulu namhlanje! Farewell, Baba! Hakuna matata.” Unyielding lips finally falling silent.

Flags will be flown at half-mast for the next 46664 days.

The police took possession of several suspicious items when they searched 11-year-old Jack’s room. Fake gold coins; a broken harp; and a sickly old hen – suffering from constipation – were found. An axe, several knives and pangas, dozens of cell phones, various dagga pipes, unlicensed firearms, a sizeable quantity of ****tik, and a large assortment of condoms were also discovered. Jack was remanded into police custody.

News you should know

§  Murder docket in “stalk” case goes missing

§  “Stalk” youth armed with “hot shot” lawyer

§  All charges against under-aged boy dropped

§  My husband was no paedophile – giant’s wife

§  Boy claims giant’s chicken was “a good lay”

§  Monsanto GM beans “evil mutations”

§  Axed giant’s death “politically motivated”

§  Police deny stealing boy’s condoms

§  Street vendor sells cow in Tshwane CBD

*Milky-Black – previously known as Milky-White

**stalwart – from the Old Dutch, meaning: shady, untrustworthy, devious individual

***Kuyashisa kakhulu namhlanje – it is very hot today

****tik – methamphetamine

PS        Read the real Jack and the Beanstalk story to your kids: prepare them for reality.

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