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Lucyfire
 
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Joburg's reply

18 October 2012, 14:00

Bergie, I’m sure it is you and I who had the conversation.

There are simply too many similarities to the conversation I had with someone not too long ago.

Especially the braai analogy... 

Be that as it may, so I am the semi-grated ex Johannesburg girl and I’ve had the pleasure of living in your little DA state for the past 5 months or so.

So allow me to, very briefly, clarify and/or correct your notions.

Firstly, I don’t need to wait by the phone for your invitation. And had I given you my number, I would maybe have been disappointed if you didn’t call. But I never gave you my number. Secondly, when and where would you even braai? The weather is so incredibly shit here I cannot fathom how anyone here can braai without a roof and an umbrella and a parka jacket. In Jozi we get to braai the whole year round, my friend. Our rains last hours not weeks and in winter it is dry and we get to huddle around the fire telling stories and swapping ideas instead of trying to secure or windows and doors so that it doesn’t blow away. “Oh, but wait for summer!” they say “You’ll love it here then!” (As long as you don’t mind the wind) Oh, really? So, you have six months of winter, and then 5 windy months and then maybe, just maybe, you have 3 weeks or so somewhere in January that’s “nice”? Give me Johannesburg’s sunshine any day!

But I digress. So far, I haven’t seen a hint of “class” or “breeding” in Cape Town.

You people don’t work. You drink too much. Half of you live with your parents until you’re 40 and the other half room with someone. And do you people even know what a dentist is?

You hide behind drinking wine as being “classy”, but darling, if you’re going to be drinking two bottles of it in one sitting, that just makes you an alcoholic. Albeit a “classy” one.

The attitudes of the Capetonians remind me of that poem we did in St. 6, oh what was it called again, DELUSIONS OF GRANDEUR. You think you’re the shit.  But darling, as mentioned above, the teeth, the boozing it up, lack of permanent employment and the pot-smoking, doesn’t really put you in a very good light.

Our ancestors had the ambition and the perseverance to get the fuck out of this dodgy town and find better pastures. And boy! Did we ever!

Yours, I’m afraid, stayed behind because they were too lazy to pack up the oxwagon again. And it seems like your breeding won’t allow you to forget this laziness. It seem to be, how do I put this subtly, inbred in you people.

Now, back to Jozi. The people there are  tough as nails. Robberies, muggings etc. are the order of the day. We don’t have the mountains and the sea and we don’t get to go climb Lionshead. You know what I say to that? Big fat whoop. Because at the end of the day, you can call a Jozi what you want, and maybe it is “our breeding” but when the shit hits the fan we sort that shit right out and we stick together. You phone your buddy in Joburg at 2am, he’s going to get out of bed and come help, no matter what the problem. They’ll also tell you to fuck off if you’re being annoying. You know why? Because they’re real. They are what they are and they don’t need your “Je ne sais quoi” to make them feel like they’re worth something. I’d rather have a mix breed pitbull than a pedigree Chihuahua. Guess which one is going to be loyal and save your ass when you need it.

You guys just flake. (Or “adapt other’s viewpoints”). Oh, I have been studying your mannerisms and viewpoints to remind myself what I NEVER want to become.

Cape Town is a little like India, I imagine. It looks very intriguing and mystical from a distance but when you get there, it’s just a filthy stinky place that’s full of rats. Your beaches are FILTHY your streets are littered and believe me I take the train home every day and your fellow Capetonians with their “breeding” are filthy people.

So tell you what, you keep your Cape Town. I will trade the mountains, the seas and everything else you have for one more braai with people who don’t label themselves as “insincere” as if it is a good thing.

Miss you Jozi. See you soon. To all the Joburg people out there – Keep being awesome.

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