PLEASE NOTE:

MyNews24 is a user-generated section of News24.com. The stories here come from users.

 
Rammsteen
 
Comments: 12
Article views: 649
 
 
Latest Badges:


 
View all Rammsteen's badges.
 

Join our (guaranteed) profitable business venture?

29 January 2014, 08:14

So most of us think Government take a really looong holiday over the December period, right? Most of us are under the impression they are a lazy and incompetent lot, right? We obviously expect no major announcements, statements or any stirring from government besides the usual denouncing of our ability to drive vehicles, keep sober at all times and the handing of questionable road deaths statistics to the press.

Wrong! Our esteemed chosen ones in high office have rolled us a slimy one in our path during the time we were all riding the Jeffries Gunston waves, lounging on the pool lilo or catching up on some much needed time watching all the Gordon Ramsey re-re-runs. Our dear government has pushed through a whole lot of new draft regulations regarding the trade in alcohol. No need to try and object to them because it was open for public comment from 4th December 2013 until 3rd of January 2014. You’ve missed the boat if you are a habitual objector or abuser of alcohol.

Some of the proposed revision points are as follows:

• All premises with a liquor licence must make condoms freely available at all times

• All licenced premises must have a safe available for storing their customers’ dangerous weapons

• Proposed policy to be debated – that the drinking age be raised to 21.

• Proposed policy to be debated – that the sale of liquor to obviously-pregnant women be prohibited.

You may wonder what this has to do with a business proposition. Well, last Saturday I had bi-lateral talks with my neighbour’s garden engineer, after he was fired due to rendering the sixth lawnmower unserviceable, and had no saved stash. It seems Sammy has some real strong connections in the liquor licencing department through one of his uncle’s daughter’s boyfriend’s father in law’s Cuca shop* owner. Immediately I recognised Sammy to be my partner of sorts, qualifying our co-operation through BE or that AA thingy not for alcoholics, and invited him to join my business venture – to which he agreed very enthusiastically.

The gist of the venture is such: The liquor board will make it a mandatory requirement (courtesy of Sammy’s Cuca connection) to have every bottle of booze sold, every glass of wine served and every six pack of alcoholic beverage stocked, to be shrink wrapped with three Spunk™ condoms, one disposable Honk™ breathalyser and one standard Really? ® pregnancy test.
The glasses containing drinks served in restaurants and bars will obviously be accompanied by the pregnancy tester on the first round – to be handed back to the bartender with result intact. Positive is OK, negative is no good (fairly obvious).The first round would clearly be preceded by the verification of age, ownership of guns, knives, knopkieries, nail files, sharp pointy shoes, excessively long car keys and any sharpened credit cards. These weapons of mass destruction will then be locked away under the bar counter until further notice or to be auctioned if unclaimed providing the bartender cannot pawn them.
The condoms will be accompanied by the fifth drink, as this is the critical time where inhibitions are being overridden by brain bubbles or idiotic thoughts, or after two a.m. when nobody is ugly anymore – whichever comes first (No, no – I meant whichever comes first of the five drinks or 2 a.m.). Lastly, the final round will entail a compulsory breathalyser test which would ensure the inebriated ones to have knowledge of their blood percentage in their alcohol stream and a choice of returning their food and alcohol intake voluntarily in a **spittoon, or having to rent a room at a national Sammy’s Inn™ (minus three star grading, dog blanket and bucket provision for your comfort) of which will all be conveniently located within crawling distance of said establishment.

Sammy and I have room for six willing partners who are to contribute in cash and have no need to disclose their identity, nor have a need to know ours because we are as transparent as welding goggles.

* Cuca shop – A shop selling anything from curry powder to fighter jets.

** Spittoon – Cowboy slang for a container to barf in (or was it spit?).

Disclaimer: All articles and letters published on MyNews24 have been independently written by members of News24's community. The views of users published on News24 are therefore their own and do not necessarily represent the views of News24. News24 editors also reserve the right to edit or delete any and all comments received.
 

Read News24’s Comments Policy

24.com publishes all comments posted on articles provided that they adhere to our Comments Policy. Should you wish to report a comment for editorial review, please do so by clicking the 'Report Comment' button to the right of each comment.

Comment on this story
12 comments
Add your comment
Comment 0 characters remaining

Read more from our Users

Submitted by
Abioye Olufemi
The absolute way to take Christma...

As Christmas is coming soon, I am prompted to write this Christmas article for all of us here at News24. Read more...

1 comments 46 views
Submitted by
goldeelocks
Phiyega.....SAY WHAT?????

Clearly the Honourable Minister has abrogated the duty of the SAPS to protect the citizens of this country! What then is the purpose of the SAPS?  Read more...

5 comments 121 views
Submitted by
Paulus
Genealogy of Jesus, and the probl...

The new testament writers were so kind as to leave 2 genealogies of Jesus for us to peruse, both of his father. Read more...

20 comments 183 views
Submitted by
Lee Grandmaison
Everyone is entitled to their own...

"Everyone is entitled to their own opinion." If you've ever seen or been in a debate, on or offline, you've heard this phrase quite a bit. Read more...

9 comments 222 views
Submitted by
johan609
South Africa heading South

We need to speak up. We need to take a stand. We need to take action. Read more...

13 comments 1065 views
Submitted by
PC Barnes
Old flame

There's nothing quite so dangerous as the lure of what could have been. Nothing quite so attractive to our minds as missed opportunities, missed roads.  Read more...

0 comments 296 views

Jobs in Cape Town [change area]

Property [change area]

Travel - Look, Book, Go!

Magical Massinga

Spend 5 nights at the gorgeous Massinga Beach Lodge in Mozambique and only pay for 4 from R13 220 per person sharing. Includes return flights, accommodation, transfers and romantic turndown. Book now!

Kalahari.com - shop online today

Pre-order your iPhone 6 at kalahari.com

Hurry and pre-order your own iPhone 6 now at SA’s favourite online store!

Bargain box – 60% off

Reduced prices, very limited stock. While stocks last. Hurry and shop now!

Mind blow low prices on electronics

Get either the Prestigio multiphone or Proline tablet 7” tablet for only R699. Offers valid while stocks last. Shop now!

30% off Barbie toys

Save 30% on all Barbie toys and accessories. Offer valid while stocks last. Shop now!

Baby extravanganza month at kalahari.com

Celebrate baby month with a wide range of awesome baby products. Offers valid while stocks last. Shop now.

OLX Free Classifieds [change area]

Samsung Galaxy s4

Mobile, Cell Phones in South Africa, Western Cape, Cape Town. Date October 24

Best bargain in big bay

Real Estate, Houses - Apartments for Sale in South Africa, Western Cape, Cape Town. Date October 25

VW Golf 6, 1.6 Trendline (Excellent condition)

Vehicles, Cars in South Africa, Western Cape, Cape Town. Date October 25

 

services

E-mail Alerts The latest headlines in your inbox

RSS feeds News delivered really simply.

Mobile News24 on your mobile or PDA

E-mail Newsletters You choose what you want

News24 on your iPhone Get News24 headlines on your iPhone.

SMS Alerts Get breaking news stories via SMS.

Blogs Your opinion on you, me and everyone.

Calais Website keywords automated by OpenCalais.

 
Interactive Advertising Bureau
 
© 2014 24.com. All rights reserved.
There are new stories on the homepage. Click here to see them.
 
English
Afrikaans
isiZulu

Hello 

Create Profile

Creating your profile will enable you to submit photos and stories to get published on News24.


Please provide a username for your profile page:

This username must be unique, cannot be edited and will be used in the URL to your profile page across the entire 24.com network.

Settings

Location Settings

News24 allows you to edit the display of certain components based on a location. If you wish to personalise the page based on your preferences, please select a location for each component and click "Submit" in order for the changes to take affect.








Facebook Sign-In

Hi News addict,

Join the News24 Community to be involved in breaking the news.

Log in with Facebook to comment and personalise news, weather and listings.