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Join our (guaranteed) profitable business venture?

29 January 2014, 08:14

So most of us think Government take a really looong holiday over the December period, right? Most of us are under the impression they are a lazy and incompetent lot, right? We obviously expect no major announcements, statements or any stirring from government besides the usual denouncing of our ability to drive vehicles, keep sober at all times and the handing of questionable road deaths statistics to the press.

Wrong! Our esteemed chosen ones in high office have rolled us a slimy one in our path during the time we were all riding the Jeffries Gunston waves, lounging on the pool lilo or catching up on some much needed time watching all the Gordon Ramsey re-re-runs. Our dear government has pushed through a whole lot of new draft regulations regarding the trade in alcohol. No need to try and object to them because it was open for public comment from 4th December 2013 until 3rd of January 2014. You’ve missed the boat if you are a habitual objector or abuser of alcohol.

Some of the proposed revision points are as follows:

• All premises with a liquor licence must make condoms freely available at all times

• All licenced premises must have a safe available for storing their customers’ dangerous weapons

• Proposed policy to be debated – that the drinking age be raised to 21.

• Proposed policy to be debated – that the sale of liquor to obviously-pregnant women be prohibited.

You may wonder what this has to do with a business proposition. Well, last Saturday I had bi-lateral talks with my neighbour’s garden engineer, after he was fired due to rendering the sixth lawnmower unserviceable, and had no saved stash. It seems Sammy has some real strong connections in the liquor licencing department through one of his uncle’s daughter’s boyfriend’s father in law’s Cuca shop* owner. Immediately I recognised Sammy to be my partner of sorts, qualifying our co-operation through BE or that AA thingy not for alcoholics, and invited him to join my business venture – to which he agreed very enthusiastically.

The gist of the venture is such: The liquor board will make it a mandatory requirement (courtesy of Sammy’s Cuca connection) to have every bottle of booze sold, every glass of wine served and every six pack of alcoholic beverage stocked, to be shrink wrapped with three Spunk™ condoms, one disposable Honk™ breathalyser and one standard Really? ® pregnancy test.
The glasses containing drinks served in restaurants and bars will obviously be accompanied by the pregnancy tester on the first round – to be handed back to the bartender with result intact. Positive is OK, negative is no good (fairly obvious).The first round would clearly be preceded by the verification of age, ownership of guns, knives, knopkieries, nail files, sharp pointy shoes, excessively long car keys and any sharpened credit cards. These weapons of mass destruction will then be locked away under the bar counter until further notice or to be auctioned if unclaimed providing the bartender cannot pawn them.
The condoms will be accompanied by the fifth drink, as this is the critical time where inhibitions are being overridden by brain bubbles or idiotic thoughts, or after two a.m. when nobody is ugly anymore – whichever comes first (No, no – I meant whichever comes first of the five drinks or 2 a.m.). Lastly, the final round will entail a compulsory breathalyser test which would ensure the inebriated ones to have knowledge of their blood percentage in their alcohol stream and a choice of returning their food and alcohol intake voluntarily in a **spittoon, or having to rent a room at a national Sammy’s Inn™ (minus three star grading, dog blanket and bucket provision for your comfort) of which will all be conveniently located within crawling distance of said establishment.

Sammy and I have room for six willing partners who are to contribute in cash and have no need to disclose their identity, nor have a need to know ours because we are as transparent as welding goggles.

* Cuca shop – A shop selling anything from curry powder to fighter jets.

** Spittoon – Cowboy slang for a container to barf in (or was it spit?).

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