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Join us Jolly Jews

12 June 2014, 13:15

I feel it my duty to save all of you Christians, specially from the hands of these acidic atheists here on News24. You poor poor souls being battered by these cynical old farts all day long.

So, go pour yourself a Klippies and Coke and come relax here with me, your deeply caring Jew. 

Forget what those acidic old atheists have to say about the Big Bang. The only real Big Bang they know smells of garlic in the morning when they wake up. I know some of them very well and all they do all day long is sit and eat garlic snails in Camps Bay and talk anti-religious drivel.

So let me give you some real education about Christianity and after you have read this you will run off to the nearest synagogue and kiss the Rabbi.

You see the thing is this........... Quickly take sip of the Klippies first.

There was never a Virgin Mary to begin with. Really. Take another sip of the Klippies.

The problem is that the whole Virgin Mary/Baby Jeezus story was written by some demented gay old man with Alzheimers 80 years after the fictional Jeezus died. don't need any more evidence other than that to take the bread knife and cut your Bible in half.

Keep the other half or buy a Torah if you need some exiting rules to live by.

Let me tell you why we are such a jolly religion, specially us Orthodox Jews.

Let us begin with Friday Nights. Oh what joy our weekends are because at 7 pm Friday night we go ape and eat ourselves into a stupor. Lekker vet vleis en baie pudding with dollops of real cream. We even have special Sabbath wine. Nice, sweet and cheap stuff that they normally drink in Kraaifontein over weekends. We don't waste money on Nederburg and Zonnebloem. Nei my Master ons gooi die soetes! Baklei Sous.

So after this Sabbath Feast we say goodbye to all the other Jews we had around, lock the kids in their bedrooms with a Torah and a candle. Why a candle? Because we don't switch on lights after our Sabbath has started. Candle Light all the way Baby. Very romantic, us Orthodox Jews.

Once the kids are locked up in their rooms Mummy goes to the linen closet and takes out our sex sheet.

Let me explain the sex sheet to you. You see when we marry our virgin she is given a special sheet. Three quarters down the sheet is hole which was embroidered around with little flowers. The grannies sit and embroider around the hole so the hole won't become all frayed with all the friction that it has to endure over the years to cum. 

Wife then goes into the bathroom and strips off all her designer Coco Chanel gear. She comes to bed with only the sheet and her Christian Louboutin shoes. Those vulgar stilettos with the red soles. You know them? Scary bloody stuff, specially when you get the credit card statement.

She then lies down on the bed and covers herself with the sheet and then us men pull this hole in the sheet over our raging Dingalings. You see in our religion flesh must not touch flesh. Only the raging spitting snake goes in and nothing else touches. No kissing, no foreplay. You just thrust away like a hungry bull with the sheet covering the subservient wife.

The practical issue about this sheet is of course you have some cleaning material immediately available after you have filled the sex slave with millions of new little Jews.

You then put on some Kosher long pajamas and go unlock those kids. You must make sure they haven't set the house on fire with those candles.

Saturday morning you rise nice and early, wake those little Jews and you walk to synagogue. Yes walk. We don't touch anything mechanical on the Sabbath and that includes vibrators, I-Pads, I-Pods and I-Phones or any bloody thing that begins with an I.

Synagogue is great because none of us remember any Hebrew and the Rabbi rambles on and on while we watch who else is in synagogue we can can do business with. We do our big deals at synagogue and sell each other all kinds of conniving services.

After the service we feed the homeless. Yes really. And you thought us Jews just screw everybody and don't have a caring cell in our bodies? Oh no Jose, we deeply care about the homeless in Waterkant Street because Helen Zille just evicts everything with a darker tan than hers. The Cape as you know is only for rich foreign AWB's. 

So after we have fed the homeless we stroll back home and dive into the slow cookers and eat all Friday night's left-overs.

Saturday afternoons we make the kids sit still on the living room floor until the sun sets. They are not allowed to move. We teach the little brats some discipline. 

Once the sun has set on a Saturday, the Sabbath is over and we get back to all our usual ways of screwing everybody out of all their cash. We love the ANC because they practice what we preach. Screw everybody!

And to think Moses came down a mountain after the lightning carved our laws onto a piece of stone? He even carved a road into the sea that old Ballie with his grey beard.

Now......doesn't Moses sound a lot more credible than a virgin giving birth?

I would think so........

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