They came at 03h00, silent as the night.

The first I knew was a masked face over my bed, chromed six gun in my face.

From my wife's call-out my first reaction was to smile.

I thought my sons were playing a trick on me.

Then they were on top of me, twisting me on my stomach and tying my hands.

Feeling under me, the pillow, the mattress for any weapon.

Now I was awake, but with a pistol to my head I had to concentrate to breathe.

"What about my wife, my two daughters"?

I twist my head to see my wife, I get a klap.

I tell my wife to breathe, to take it easy - I get told to shut the f*ck.

They ask me where is the laptop, I say I don't own one.

They ask where is the R20 000, I say I don't have that kind of cash.

Light comes on. Pillows over our heads. I suffocate.

My heart is in my throat, I feel not far from the edge.

The hand is still pushing the pillow down.

I pray for acceptance into the collective souls (whoever he or she or it may be), because in the next split second my brains will surely get thumped into the mattress.

The pillow comes off, they want to know where the safe is, the gun…

I say I don't own a gun - they cock the pistol and place it against my wife’s temple.

I reply that the safe is in the closet, the gun inside.

They look, cannot find under all my used shoes and garden clothes. I have to direct them.

They ask which key opens what - I show them.

I tell my wife to be calm, breathe.

They go except one.

He hauls my wife off the bed, I'm sure I know what is next.

I start to wriggle to free up, I feel a barrel in my neck.

My wife is on the floor, him standing over her.

I die.

A voice comes to call the guy.

All goes quiet.

I wriggle loose, touch my wife.

I go check on the kids, they are O.K. except for a wire coat hanger bruise.

I phone the cops, they're there in a flash.

Aftermath. Wide eyed aftermath.

Scared, horrified, shocked, crazily mad.

For months after, I did not talk to strangers, I swore at those coming too close.

I fired the maid. I'll never have another garden helper. I'll never give any of the food, water or anything else

if they come begging at my house.

It was that night that I stopped being a part of the rainbow nation.

It was that night that God be the universe, God be the goddess, God be the trees, animals and flowers – I did not care at all, I just didn't want to go alone into the black.

I was mad, mad, mad. This government cannot assure honest citizens their peace but they can assure

a fair trial and life with limited luxuries to murderers.

I have my gun, alarm on, security gates all over, sector policing, dogs and a host of other minor weapons.

They will probably come again someday, this time I will fight, even in so doing having to die.