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Last Man on Earth

03 December 2013, 15:11

In 1954 Richard Matheson published a novel called: I am Legend. This was made into a science fiction horror film in 1964. It was renamed: The *Last Man on Earth, and starred Vincent Price.

In 2007, the film was remade under the original title of the book: I am Legend; this time with Will Smith as The Last Man.

Although the Will Smith version was much better, I liked the Vincent Price movie more. (No, not because he is white, Sakkie. I liked Price’s movie because it must have been one of the most pathetic movies I have ever seen.) It was a laugh a minute.

Now, let me give you my slightly modified adaptation of the story – which I cannibalized from Wiki. (It’s not the same as “Spoeg en Plak,” you know.)


Robert Neville is the sole survivor of a pandemic that has turned the rest of the world’s population of into zombie-like vampires. The pandemic was caused by a war, and was spread by dust storms, and mosquitoes.

Robert is immune to the disease which has claimed his wife and daughter. (In fact, he was forced to kill his wife, after she rose from the dead as a vampire, and attacked him.)

During the day, Robert hunts the vampires and drives wooden stakes through their hearts. At night, he barricades himself inside his house. He places garlic, mirrors, and crosses, at strategic places outside the house to keep the vampires at bay.

I nearly laughed my sacroiliac out of joint!

The zombie-like vampires, moving and speaking in slow-motion – all blood and guts and tattered clothes – come banging on his front door at night, while he sits inside getting sloshed; listening to music on a gramophone.

Now here’s my version of the story:

The Christian vampires fear the crosses which he has placed outside; but the crosses have no affect on the Jewish, Muslim, Buddhist, and atheist vampires.

The British vampires, known for being little pissies, are repulsed by the garlic. But the Gupta and Spanish vampires are attracted to the garlic like moths to a flame.  

The mirrors? Yes, that was the Weapon of **Mess Destruction that worked on all of them.

Once the zombie/vampires saw themselves in the mirrors – with all their scary Hollywood makeup, fake blood, tattered clothes, and phony wounds – they just laughed themselves to death – while the inebriated Last Man on Earth lay passed out in his favourite chair; safe and sound inside his house.

The End (Of my version, anyway.)

So what’s my point?

I’ll tell you:

You might have gathered from some of my articles (read: drivel), that I’m an incredibly principled man – with extremely high moral and ethical standards. I keep my promises. (Well, most of the time anyway.)

So here’s my promise: I shall never buy an e-tag. I shall not register for this disease. I shall become The Last Tagless Man on Earth.

At night, I shall go out and hunt Sanral vampires and drive wooden stakes through their e-tolls. I shall hang garlic and crosses and mirrors outside my house; and under the gantries. I shall start drinking again. I shall spend the nights getting drunk; listening to my favourite music – on full blast – because my neighbour has already been infected with the Sanral disease.

This is my promise.

I shall be Legend.

*Last Man on Earth -

**Mess – vampires are very messy creatures

PS       Just think: I shall never again be exposed to a copy and paste “article,” by He-Who-Now-Lives-in-Ermelo. Sounds like Heaven on Earth, doesn’t it?

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