Growing up as a youngster with a ‘different than the norm’ sexuality is probably the most difficult thing I have, and ever will do in my life. The sadness within it all is that the difficult moments we all go through are caused by people we should be able to trust in, our own species, our own DNA connections. There is nothing as hurtful as being discriminated against in silence… Not being able to speak out and defend your own kind, your own generation, your own sexuality, only because you are too scared to release and let go…. Let go and be yourself. Be yourself in every sense of the word. Why do we live lives in order to make someone else happy? Why do we live lives in order to be accepted by others when the only thing that matters is you? You get born alone, you will die alone, and you alone will be liable with whatever should happen to you in the after life. Living your life as a “fake” in order to keep parents, family, friends or discriminating parties happy is probably as unsatisfying and bitter as you can ever imagine. When I read articles on News24 about some African countries considering the death penalty for homosexual men… I want to start crying inside of me. There is nothing as insulting, degrading and hurtful as reading that innocent people like yourself, have to worry about death penalties in certain countries JUST because of their sexuality.
HOW DARE YOU? How dare you as a nation judge the worthiness of someone else’s life. Sometimes I think that those murdered in brutal incidents are better of than those that remain in this unfortunate human race we have to struggle in every single day.
Walking in a shopping centre looking forward to your nu-metro movie you are about to watch, and a bombastic Afrikaans butch 41 year old homophobic male walks past you with his friends mocking you with a loud “Moffie” or “Faggot” outcall in the middle of public is not just aggravating but ruins that moment in every possible aspect. Did that make that guy feel good I ask myself? What about the fact having to sit in church because that is what we are all brainwashed to do. If you go to church you earn your ticket into heaven, no matter what you do on the other days of the week. So you sit in church because it is the right thing to do after all, but during the service the pastor preaches how homosexuality is a sin and you will end up in hell. This is the person you are supposed to look up to and ask for advice, he is your Christian messenger. But how do you get rid of your “Homosexuality” in order to get into heaven? Am I doomed for life because of my sexuality that I cannot help for? I have tried changing my sexuality, not because I don’t accept myself, but purely because the House of Jesus do not accept gay men into heaven. That is what my pastor told me. So… what does one do in this situation where you are stuck with a sexuality that dooms you to hell? Now this is proven that sexuality is not something you choose, it is not something you create in your mind, it is not something you transfer to innocent people or friends around you! It is indeed a privilege you are born with. I never in my existence made a call to become gay. I never was offered a choice to be gay or straight and LORD knows that if we had the chance most of us would choose the easy way out to select the straight sexuality, as your whole life and existence would be easier. I would then be able to realize my biggest dream and that is to have a child of my own. There is nothing as frustrating as to having your fatherly instincts start to emerge and craving the feeling of being a father to a child, but not being able to have a child.
It saddens me to know that in South Africa there are still so many homophobic people, parents, family and friends out there. Have we ever harmed anyone? You can go and visit a pub or club close to you and there is a 80% chance you will find a few drunk men or women starting a fight or swearing at each other or causing damage and hurt to other people around them. That same evening go to 20 gay clubs or pubs and you will notice a collection of people enjoying themselves, having fun, laughing being friends, being themselves for once! We accept each other whether you are damaged broken or scarred. I have never had that feeling on the streets of my own country or even between some family members. Blood is thicker than water? Yes it is…
Being discriminated against from a young age is something that sticks with you forever! That single moment or few seconds some bully or homophobe have a stormy comment about you in front of his friends, him being able to call a gay guy on the street a faggot or moffie, creates a mind space and gap in the victims memory, filled with your face and comments for the rest of their lives. You will never be forgiven and the day you have to explain your actions to your God, I am sure these mind spaces from all your victims will be breaking you down in front of your own God, piece by piece, until there is nothing left of you, until you fade completely. It is indeed strange how I can remember the face of someone that called me a moffie on the street, but I cannot remember the face of men who hijacked me. I wonder which had a bigger impact on my life?
I am beyond the finish line. I am beyond caring what people think of me. I am beyond caring about you… Everything on earth created by human is such a mess anyway that who cares what happens? Our politics, crime, rich and poor status, joblessness, hunger, war… everything is a mess, so who are any one of us to judge each other? Stop breaking each other down and rather try to fix what we messed up already. Stop concentrating on the negativity you create, and rather try to fix yourself and other around you through positivity.
I always think in my mind that if something should happen to earth and the only two people left on earth is myself, and my bully… What will happen? Will I rely on him for survival? Will he rely on me? Will we never speak and go on our own route? No… instead I know far along the line we will become friends and eventually start to appreciate each other for our own unique skills and mind sets and way of life. When you remove all tradition, beliefs, religions, and discrimination from earth, we all result and reduce to the same thing. We are human flesh with a soul. It is indeed all these things like religion, politics, beliefs and rumours that make us turn against each other. We fight over which God is the right one to believe in? WHAT DOES IT MATTER? Why not belief in your God and know that at least you live your life as you belief is right? Trust your instincts, this is the only way your soul and God can warn you against what is wrong and right. Is it that difficult? Why is it necessary to insult and degrade and name call an innocent person JUST because they don’t believe in whatever you belief is right? Did you create Earth and all the animals and plants on it? Did you create night and day? Did you create water? If your answer is no to this, then I can tell you right now that you have absolutely no power over my life and will never have the ability to influence me and my beliefs.
If I want to listen to Lady Gaga because to my ear, she spreads the word of love, acceptance and individuality, then I will do just that. I am a believer, I believe in God, it might not be your "God" but my relationship with my God has got absolutely NOTHING to do with you. I dont care who you are, where you are from or from which religion you are, my religion and my relationship with my God has got nothing to do with you and your following. So now I am allowed not to enjoy the Born This Way song in a club or pub just because you and your press believes she’s the “Bride of Satan?” Where do you come from people? Read these lyrics with me: I am beautiful in my way, coz God makes no mistakes, I am on the right track baby I was born this way... So I want to know what is so "satanic" in that phrase? In fact I think it is a beautiful powerful message written by a phenominal woman. Take a little bit of time out of your daily routine and go and read the lyrics to Lady Gaga’s songs… Go and watch her shows on youtube and listen to what she says, listen to her messages…. And then we can start to talk about her. Concern yourself to things that you have knowledge about and stop stirring useless empty rumours. You are in fact doing more sin than what your religion allows you to. Yes we all hear and read the messages about this concerned mother that her child will be influenced by Lady Gaga and that her child will magically appear as a Satanist once you hear her music. Now this is a very amusing fairy tale yes indeed, but what about the idea that you should then not allow Lady Gaga music in your house yes, BUT already you take your child’s life in your hands. Already your child cannot develop into the true human he/she would like to be one day, because of your boundaries and your beliefs. How can we say we are unique and individual human beings if we are all forced to believe the same thing, if we all have to follow the same routine, if we all have to judge the same people, race and sexuality? I will not take part of this. I will not ever try to manage or ruin someone else’s life for the sake of some stupid tradition. I believe in live and let live. I will not steal someone else’s soul and create them into what I want them to be! This is an act of Hilter.
I have never caused intentional damage or hurt to someone that did not deserve it. I have never raped someone. I have never robbed someone from their possessions. I have never ruined a marriage. I have never broken up a family. I have never murdered someone. I have never brutally killed or hunted an animal. I have never hit someone with my fists. I have never called someone a “Straight” in a shopping centre. So you will not have to right to discriminate against me anymore. I will not allow you to create me into one of your minions. I will not be forced to do something I don’t want to. You will not have the power to hurt or break me, and my sexuality down any more. It is true that once you reach the bottom of the pit, the only way is up! The most fascinating part is that once you start to stand up for yourself and accept yourself, then suddenly people are mouth shut.
So in the end, why don’t we listen to whatever music makes you feel good for that moment? Why not believe in what you want to, and why not mind and live your own life? That is what all of us open minded non judgemental believers, including lady Gaga, is doing, and we are pretty happy and free human beings in the end? At a very early stage In our lives we learn to not stare ourselves blind against the bullshit you deliver us on a daily basis, instead we get to know ourselves in those lonely sad moments, but in the end… we know who we are, AND we know who your are. Do you know who your are? Do you know what you really like in life, or do you like what you currently like, just for the sake to be accepted or loved by others? The biggest mistake one can make in life is to lie to yourself! To lie to yourself is so exhausting. You can lie to yourself, but you know the truth to that lie, so that is a bit of a constant difficult mind fight to battle. It’s easy to lie to someone else, because they might not know the truth, ever… But does it really make you happy to discriminate against others? Does it really make you happy to call a sensational pop star a Satanist? Does it really make your happy to see someone else cry because you hit him or her with your fists? Does it really make you happy and feel good to see the dead carcass of a buffalo you just shot? You take responsibility for your feelings in your heart.
I will enjoy a Lady Gaga show in a Judas outfit… I will dress up to the occasion and appreciate her music and message. I will rather be a happy homosexual than a supressed straight man. I will rather be myself than be you. Love me or leave me alone. So go ahead and spin in circles around my middle finger.