Regarding: Apocalypse (aka Armageddon, End of days, End of the World)
Dear pawns (strike that, replace with Beloved people)
It is with great joy in our hearts (obviously excluding the Holy Ghost LOL) that JC and I can announce that the destruction of earth is imminent! We have been looking forward to this for ages!! It is going to be a spectacular show, with loads of fireworks, flesh torn asunder to the sound of cracking bones and the rich aroma of brimstone (Always the same. Why can’t we have something casual this time around?). We simply cannot wait – it has been a long 10,000 years or so, but who is counting? (How about every Christian?)
We had an excellent time and we appreciate your participation in the Game (Like the poor sods had a choice). Lucifer, I like to call him Lucky Lucy, almost nailed my ar$e in this round (No comment). Oh yes – before I confuse you too much we have been playing this game for billions of years. You call it Life and we call it The Game (I say tomato, you say ....) This particular game is called Earth MMMDCLXXV. My apologies for not setting up the board correctly but I blame this on Archie (Archangel Gabriel). It was his responsibility to remove all evidence of the preceding game but he did a lousy job and hence you found some ‘dinosaur bones’ (Gabriel did it on purpose, it was hilarious)
Give a hand to Lucky Lucy, he played a hell of a game! (Pun intended?) Who would have thought he could swing Eve as a double agent with an apple? I’m omnipotent, but come on; even I did not see that one coming. It was a stroke of genius. (In truth God missed it because he was taking a nap after 6days) I cheated a little bit with miracles and such, but then again Lucky Lucy had rock music and drugs, so I think, all in all, it was a fair game.
It was an incredibly close game and so we decided to call it a tie and split your souls 50/50. There were so many Christians that were devilishly good and some heathens that were divine that we just thought this was fair. Please do not worry, you will all still get to live eternally and play again in the next game and the next and the next, until the end of time. So you will all end up in either heaven or hell eventually. Think of it as eternal timeshare. (I’m trying to sway God from the idea to reincarnate the players in the next game as spaghetti monsters; I don’t know how he got this into his head)
As always, there was however a group of people who simply refused to play the game. These silly ‘atheist’ spoil the fun for the rest of us, so Lucky Lucy and I decided they will not be able to play the Game again and we will wink them out of existence. That will teach them. No heaven or hell for them! Ever!
The Apocalypse will commence at 10.31am sharp. Century, month and day to be advised
See you soon,
God and Lucky Lucy
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