To my lost love
Before you continue reading I would like to warn you that this is probably going to be one of the most random pieces that I have ever written. The reason for it being random is because it is meant for someone who played a massive role in my life and that person could very likely be you, but we will only be sure once you have read this letter.
If you are the girl I am writing about, this letter will make perfect sense.
For years I had your heart, almost from the first time we met and this is probably the first time that I will come to you to apologize, to really say sorry, from the deepest depths of my soul.
I have cheated, I have screamed and I have sworn at you. I first broke the trust we once had and I am the one who turned my back on you. Yes I am the one who allowed the cracks to come into our relationship. I had you in tears when I crushed your heart in my hands… the very heart that I promised I would take care of.
Today I would like to say to you, I am sorry…
From that night we met, when you first saw the heartache and pain in my eyes to this very day, you have been the biggest inspiration in my life.
From the first moment we met, you saw me for who I was, a broken little boy. I remember looking into your eyes and seeing no condemnation, no judgment. Till this day when I close my eyes I can feel the heat of the fire on my skin, I can hear the sound of your voice. You wore that stripy shirt and you thought I was “hot”. Not even in movies…
When I was living in the UK, you constantly sent me e-mails, telling me how much you missed me. I hardly ever replied. I was such an idiot back then.
You never backed down, you always reached out. I was so caught up in my own make believe world of parties and alcohol, that I didn’t even notice you.
I remember parking in front of your gate with my orange car and rap music just belting from my (Student) sound system. That was the first ever day I tried to impress a girl, I am so glad it was you. Years later you told me the truth, I wasn’t as cool as I thought and I was full of myself… Once again, my bad, I was only trying to impress you.
Eventually after my return to South Africa, we started dating. Your heart was in it completely, my eyes were always wondering. The more you put into the relationship, the more I looked the other way. I lied to you, but you knew, I cheated, but you knew and when I told you, you chose to stay with me because you said that you really loved me. You said that we would get through this, together…
You always asked me to go to church; I always had an excuse until that one day. You wouldn’t remember because you were sleeping. I never use to speak to God, but that one night... I remember as if it was yesterday. We were watching television, Top Gear as usual and you fell asleep. I remember looking at you thinking how fantastically beautiful you were, I wished that moment would never end. You were so graceful, so beautiful… That night I held you tightly and for the first time in years, prayed to God to thank Him for giving me you. That was the night I knew you were the love of my life and that was the night I decided to give you my all.
Fast forward to 2011/2012 and I have lost perspective. I have neglected what was important. I was caught in this hole, my mind constantly filled with anger and jealousy.
My once close relationship with God was now non-existent and our once passionate relationship was a constant struggle. I had forgotten what was truly important and that was to seek God, because it was deep inside His heart where I would have found you again.
Instead I sold out to my emotions, my imagination and I compared you to my mother who had walked out on me and my family. I thought you were just like her…
You once said that I would never find another girl who would love me as much as you do. And you know what? I believe you.
You really loved me.
The problem we had is that I could not really give you love, because I did not know what real love was. I had my moments, but a girl like you needs to be shown just how special you are, every moment of every day.
I was very angry towards God, because the more I prayed the more we fought. There just wasn’t any trust.
The day you were in that accident, I was so scared. I remember getting the call and my heart just sank, my body went limp. I was at a soccer match and you were on your way to the hospital… I drove like a maniac, praying all the way that God would protect you. In that moment, none of the issues we had seemed to be important, all that mattered was that you would be safe from any harm.
I ran into the hospital and I saw you wrapped up in bandages. I fell to my knees crying… I stayed next to you until I was told to leave.
Nothing else mattered to me; I could not have cared less about anything else. I just wanted you to be safe.
As shattered as I was, seeing that message on your phone broke me. I wanted to call your work to say you were in an accident, instead I accidently saw your message to another man…”I cannot wait to see you”…
That was the moment I died inside.
The tables had turned, or so it seemed… I should’ve known you would never have cheated. You have always been true to your word…
I know now that it was me that what was standing between you and God. He gave you to me and through you He changed my life. The truth is if it wasn’t for you I would have been dead… But alas (yes I know I just said alas), what God gives, He can take away and I am glad He did.
I see you smiling; enjoying life and you have fallen in love again with the One who will never let you down. It seems like you finally have that father figure you have always wanted.
Why am I writing this to you? It is because I would like to hold you and tell you I am sorry. It is not because I want you to give us another try; it is to thank you for being such a big part of my life.
Your heart is pure and your smile is exactly what this world needs.
I will always love you. I will always miss you.
Maybe one day when God and I have sorted out our issues with each other, maybe then will I be the man you deserve. Until then, I hope you find someone that loves you like God loves you. After all, you are His favourite girl.
You are Dieudonne.
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