Like many, I had a secret. I had something from my past always haunting me. I thought that if I ignored it, it was like it never happened. Unfortunately life does not work that way. I carried so much hatred and anger with me without even realizing it and it kept me from truly connecting to anyone.
I let my past follow me and define who I was. Because of what I went through; I always thought I was damaged, not worthy, ugly. I kept to myself and went through life hiding. I did that for many years. Hiding from the truth, hiding from myself. Afraid to ask questions because I was not sure I’d be able to live with the answers.
The hatred in my heart grew over the years, till I found myself in a very dark place. It is easy to act like everything is fine. To smile and hide the pain from the ones you love. To ignore the white elephant in the room and never speak out. Yes, it is easy to live a lie but the past always catches up with you sometime and you can never truly move on or become the person you are suppose to be if you don’t face it, deal with it and make peace with it. Now that is easier said than done.
I was 30 when I realized I could not go on like this and the road has been long and difficult but with the support and love from family and friends I’m getting there. I realized how much power I gave to my past and how much I let it influence the woman I became. So many people out there live with something they carry with them. Something they are scared to face but you need to know that whatever it is you deserve to move out from under the shadow of darkness. You deserve to live the life you were meant to live. To become who you are suppose to be and not allow anyone to control your identity or the road ahead. And if you have hatred in your heart, try to let it go.
“Forgive”, the most powerful word ever. Only you will know when you are ready to make that step but until you do at least face the demons from your past. I did and by doing so I took back control of my life. I let go of the anger and resentment I felt inside. I found a way to love myself again. I’m not making it out as easy because it is everything but easy but since I’ve faced my past, I no longer need to hide from anything least of all from myself.
The nightmares will still be there, the flashbacks, the memories but now I know how to deal with them instead of grabbing to an addiction to numb the pain. I know that it happened, that it is in the past. There is nothing I can do to change what happened but I have power to control how I react to it and how it influences my future.
I am no longer defined by my past and who I am, is not who I was.
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