During matric 16 years ago we had a sleepover at a school mate’s house.
Picture 5 of us Jews all huddled into a bedroom and talking about what else? You need to understand that all of us grew up in the confined protected world of Linksfield. Joburg’s Little Jerusalem.
We have heard about Christianity but didn’t really have a clue what it was all about. So Adam, one of the mates in our group tells us that Christianity is a really cool religion because all the Christian guys our age were having a ball while we get locked up to play with our toes on a Saturday observing Sabbath. Apparently they partied and lost their virginity while we recite Hebrew verses like zombies. Adam tells us Christianity is a progressive thinking religion because they had a new Saviour while we still slogged on foot in Moses’ footsteps.
Needless to say, with religious parents and the confined life within the parameters set by the Jewish community, I couldn’t wait to get to university. I had to meet these Christians so I could do all the things I was denied!
My Dad made one last attempt to keep me at home so he could keep an eye on me but I insisted going to Res. No attending classes living at home for a horny young Jew.
So I arrive at university and start looking for wild Christians to liberate me! My “prayers” were answered when two dogs by the name of Kevin and Grant are sent my way and we became the best buddies in the world. Both “Christians” from the dark side.
The first few weeks went well, until Kevin meets a guy called Mitch. (I changed Mitch’s name for the purposes of this article just in case he is still doing what he did at university) Mitch was looking for new recruits to join the “company” he was working for part time. He attended class during the day and “worked’ at night earning up a R1000 a night! An absolute fortune back in 1997.
Kevin takes us to a meeting at the cafeteria where we meet Mitch who tells us about the prospect of making serious money. The more we listen to the sales pitch, the more we are salivating at this wonderful part time career.
Mitch says we get rented out by a lady in Houghton to the loveliest hot women in Sandton. The customers are mostly young bimbos married to the Viagra Kings on Viagra Drive Sandton. Mitch says they all drive convertible Mercedes Benzes and have truckloads of money.
But we have to go for an interview at the “lady” of Houghton.
In seventh heaven we return to Res and decide that this is an opportunity of a lifetime. We get to the gym immediately that afternoon and start working on our bodies……..and stop attending class altogether. Who needs a degree when you can earn a living in this glorious manner?
We project our incomes and each decides what supercar we would be buying. Imagine being 18 and driving out of the dealership with a Porsche, all earned with your raging doodlydo!
Mitch arranged our interview in Houghton for the coming Friday, so we have a few days to really tone the bodies for the interview. Mitch said the “lady” didn’t like thin pathetic characters. She needed ripped young studs.
Now bear in mind that none of the three of us have been introduced to sex at that time but we are now going to become Gigolos.
The Three Virgins arrive at this big house in Houghton and we are a bit nervous.
A very elegant woman in her late 40’s invites us in and sits us down while pouring us some tea into fancy gold rimmed cups.
She doesn’t beat around the bush.
“Have all of you had sex?”
“Yes of course” we reply like a choir.
“That is good because I have demanding customers that only want the best, so then explain to me what you would do to a woman in bed”
Everybody goes dry in the mouth and I could feel my ears burning.
“Hmmmm………..she says and gets up to fetch some DVD’s from a cabinet. She hands us each a DVD and says we must carefully go study what these men do and come back for another interview.
What happened next was absolutely hilarious now that I think back.
She said we must all drop our pants so she can see if we would have the “goods” to make her customers happy. There the three of stand with our pants on our knees while this Granny looks us out! She approved and we get to fasten our pants again.
Bewildered and in shock we rush out there each with a DVD in hand.
A week passes. We don’t attend any classes. If we are not in gym we are watching and learning our new trade on the DVD machine, which we clubbed together buying with our pocket money.
It is Friday again and we go for our second interview armed with all our new knowledge. Granny is very happy with her new students and we pass the test! We are told to be at her place the next night, Saturday night, and she hands us each a bottle of aftershave lotion and tells us how to dress. She continues and teaches us that we are only to drink J&B whiskey on the rocks. A real man doesn’t have his drink any other way she said.
The other two have had booze before, but Virgin Jew had no idea what booze tastes like!
We drive back to Res thinking heaven has descended upon us with hundreds of beautiful women from Sandton and the most rewarding part time career in the history of man.
Saturday night came and we Three Wild Young Lions drive to the Houghton house……
We are all seated in her very plush lounge and she pours us the J&B on the rocks. I gulp some of the stuff and loose my breath choking! I have never tasted anything as vile in my life. I thought booze would taste delicious because why on earth would people consume it in the volumes they do if it wasn’t delicious?
While I sit and sip this terrible stuff, the first cars start driving in and the ladies enter the lounge. The more of them come into the lounge the faster I gulp down the J&B….and rush over to the cocktail cabinet pouring myself some more.
There wasn’t a single young bimbo to be seen. They were all older than my mother! I was mortified!
I couldn’t stop gulping down J&B and can vaguely remember one of the Grannies chasing me around a room in the house before I managed to flee out and got hold of Grant to drive us back to Res because I was too drunk to walk straight up.
The sordid Christians and I were back in class on the Monday without a part time career!
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