PLEASE NOTE:

MyNews24 is a user-generated section of News24.com. The stories here come from users.

 
Irukandji
 
Comments: 25
Article views: 4292
 
 
Latest Badges:



 
View all Irukandji's badges.
 

Long leave, Zuma, long leave!

18 December 2012, 10:54

Reported from Bloemfontein: “President Jacob Zuma sought the moral high ground at the ANC's elective conference in Mangaung on Sunday, where he lectured on corruption and bribery.”

What? Now the President is actually TEACHING the people at the conference the finer points of getting away with corruption and bribery? Will wonders never cease!

I decided to give the whole Mung-ghauung, Man-going, Mgggauung, Bloemfontein-thing, a pass. But then I saw what must surely be one of the most bizarre news headlines of the year: “Zuma seeks the moral high ground.”

The article, published by News24, was written by a guy who calls himself: “SAPA” – in capitals – like that old miner who calls himself “ZION.” But that’s not important right now.

Reading the article, and using what’s left of my doddering imagination, I gathered the following:

Zuma appeared on stage dressed in traditional Zulu garb, i.e. leather jacket, leopard skin leotard, O-ring around the head, dark glasses, and a pair of Nikes in the African National Congress colours. He broke into song as he took to the podium and swept a delighted audience away.

Some of the delighted audience, who were swept away, later came back and listened to his 90-minute speech. (The speech started only about three hours late. This is a new Africa record.) In the speech, he accused and condemned himself and his corrupt comrades in the ANC, for perpetuating bribery and corruption. (Just kidding; this will NEVER happen!)

I can just imagine him saying:

“On behuff of thee leeda-sheep of thee ANC, I thank you for thee hut womming welcome, comrades! After a hundred yes of struggool we have overcome thee challeenjus that were facing our pee pool. Now we can enjoy thee shot tim benny feets.”

“Our suppott stuff has mobeelysed our membas. Thee fum wekkas, thee mynas – and thee fat nesses with thee beeg asses in our hospeetals – will strike! They will much down Nelson Mandela Drive on Monday – looting, benning tyres, and bringing thee putty into disrepute. Again. Viva, umshini wam, viva!”

“I don’t want to tock about thee 2007 conference in Polokwane. Thee road to Polokwane was full of division, undermining, and potholes – that’s why we are having these conference in Mung-ghauung, Man-going, Mgggauung, whatever," he said during his political report.

“Thee Deeputtmunt of Public Wex has put a struckcha in place to empowa all thee pee pool to receive governmunt grunts, free houzees, feesh and cheeps, tens of Coke, and yellow ANC-putty T-shits. All our pee pool must leave together in harmony; no pessin must hum his comrade, or his comrade’s eleven wives, or his comrade’s sixty-four children. And remember: Thee right wing fosses of Apartheid must be destroyed. Viva, Nkandla, viva!”

At some stage he removed his leather jacket in the sweltering heat of the marquee. An air-conditioning failure left many wiping away the sweat; with some dozing off – in their traditional custom; as a sign of respect.    

“Our country is one of thee most transparent societies when it comes to thee fight against corruption. In other wets, everyone knows that thee ANC is corrupt, but thee cots of law will do nothing about it. Beecos thee Hocks work for us.”

“Let me give you an eggzumpool of a west case scenario: I’m stealing meellions from thee taxpayas to build a compound – and I get away with it – because thee membas of my putty suppott me. That is why I will be elected again. All thee votas must just make their muck on that sleep of paypa called thee “seecreet ballot,” and I’ll serve another tem as your leeda. Viva, Mindless Masses, viva!”

“I leave you with this putting shot: Teachas must be more deeleegent. They must be in school, every school day of the year. All teachas must all pass grade 2. If they don't do it, we are going to enfoss it. We want inspectas to come back – but they must be BEE and AA compliant," he said.

“We must pool our reezorsees. I want all thee pee pool to use thee portabool toilets. Do not leave pools of pee all over thee conference area. Once thee conference is over, pee pool can go back to peeing in pools, or in public, or wherever they like. I thank you.”

Zuma ended his speech as he started: sweeping the audience away – with the national executive committee – who were seated behind him – waking up, and lending a hand with their feather dusters and vacuum cleaners.

Then he headed for the big party tent where he removed his Nikes, leotard, duck glasses, O-ring, and stepped into the shower – singing the traditional Zulu struggle song: “Back in the saddle again.”

*Names and places have been changed to protect innocent ..... Nah, forget it!

Disclaimer: All articles and letters published on MyNews24 have been independently written by members of News24's community. The views of users published on News24 are therefore their own and do not necessarily represent the views of News24. News24 editors also reserve the right to edit or delete any and all comments received.

 

24.com publishes all comments posted on articles provided that they adhere to our Comments Policy. Should you wish to report a comment for editorial review, please do so by clicking the 'Report Comment' button to the right of each comment.

Comment on this story
25 comments
Comments have been closed for this article.

Read more from our Users

Submitted by
Thandolwethu Mene
Stop the right-wing boycott of Sp...

We all need to stop this racist nonsense before we reach a point of no return to self destruction. Because no matter how you look at it, we all lose. Read more...

0 comments 500 views
Submitted by
Jan Badenhorst
What can I study without matric?

Some people still think you cannot further your education if you don't have a matric certificate. They are wrong. You have many choices. Read more...

0 comments 85 views
Submitted by
No Ohno
GM: The big business exodus is st...

No matter how anyone spins it, the departure of General Motors is a huge loss for SA, huge investment loss, and will definitely be a huge employment loss. Read more...

0 comments 163 views
Submitted by
Lisa Marcelle Hold
Mr Zuma, do you know how it feels...

Mr Zuma, do you know how it feels to worry about how you are going to feed your wife (sorry wives) and children when you only have R150.00 in your account on the 20th of the month? Read more...

0 comments 1671 views
Submitted by
Cindi van Staden
Henri van Breda court case

If Henri touched the axe and actually threw the weapon at the killer his fingerprints is supposed to be on that axe. Read more...

0 comments 677 views
 

services

E-mail Alerts The latest headlines in your inbox

RSS feeds News delivered really simply.

Mobile News24 on your mobile or PDA

E-mail Newsletters You choose what you want

News24 on Android Get the latest from News24 on your Android device.

SMS Alerts Get breaking news stories via SMS.

TV Get us in your home, on your television.

 
Interactive Advertising Bureau
 
© 2017 24.com. All rights reserved.
There are new stories on the homepage. Click here to see them.
 
English
Afrikaans
isiZulu

Hello 

Create Profile

Creating your profile will enable you to submit photos and stories to get published on News24.


Please provide a username for your profile page:

This username must be unique, cannot be edited and will be used in the URL to your profile page across the entire 24.com network.

Settings

Location Settings

News24 allows you to edit the display of certain components based on a location. If you wish to personalise the page based on your preferences, please select a location for each component and click "Submit" in order for the changes to take affect.




Facebook Sign-In

Hi News addict,

Join the News24 Community to be involved in breaking the news.

Log in with Facebook to comment and personalise news, weather and listings.