PLEASE NOTE:

MyNews24 is a user-generated section of News24.com. The stories here come from users.

 
Irukandji
 
Comments: 26
Article views: 4281
 
 
Latest Badges:



 
View all Irukandji's badges.
 

Long leave, Zuma, long leave!

18 December 2012, 10:54

Reported from Bloemfontein: “President Jacob Zuma sought the moral high ground at the ANC's elective conference in Mangaung on Sunday, where he lectured on corruption and bribery.”

What? Now the President is actually TEACHING the people at the conference the finer points of getting away with corruption and bribery? Will wonders never cease!

I decided to give the whole Mung-ghauung, Man-going, Mgggauung, Bloemfontein-thing, a pass. But then I saw what must surely be one of the most bizarre news headlines of the year: “Zuma seeks the moral high ground.”

The article, published by News24, was written by a guy who calls himself: “SAPA” – in capitals – like that old miner who calls himself “ZION.” But that’s not important right now.

Reading the article, and using what’s left of my doddering imagination, I gathered the following:

Zuma appeared on stage dressed in traditional Zulu garb, i.e. leather jacket, leopard skin leotard, O-ring around the head, dark glasses, and a pair of Nikes in the African National Congress colours. He broke into song as he took to the podium and swept a delighted audience away.

Some of the delighted audience, who were swept away, later came back and listened to his 90-minute speech. (The speech started only about three hours late. This is a new Africa record.) In the speech, he accused and condemned himself and his corrupt comrades in the ANC, for perpetuating bribery and corruption. (Just kidding; this will NEVER happen!)

I can just imagine him saying:

“On behuff of thee leeda-sheep of thee ANC, I thank you for thee hut womming welcome, comrades! After a hundred yes of struggool we have overcome thee challeenjus that were facing our pee pool. Now we can enjoy thee shot tim benny feets.”

“Our suppott stuff has mobeelysed our membas. Thee fum wekkas, thee mynas – and thee fat nesses with thee beeg asses in our hospeetals – will strike! They will much down Nelson Mandela Drive on Monday – looting, benning tyres, and bringing thee putty into disrepute. Again. Viva, umshini wam, viva!”

“I don’t want to tock about thee 2007 conference in Polokwane. Thee road to Polokwane was full of division, undermining, and potholes – that’s why we are having these conference in Mung-ghauung, Man-going, Mgggauung, whatever," he said during his political report.

“Thee Deeputtmunt of Public Wex has put a struckcha in place to empowa all thee pee pool to receive governmunt grunts, free houzees, feesh and cheeps, tens of Coke, and yellow ANC-putty T-shits. All our pee pool must leave together in harmony; no pessin must hum his comrade, or his comrade’s eleven wives, or his comrade’s sixty-four children. And remember: Thee right wing fosses of Apartheid must be destroyed. Viva, Nkandla, viva!”

At some stage he removed his leather jacket in the sweltering heat of the marquee. An air-conditioning failure left many wiping away the sweat; with some dozing off – in their traditional custom; as a sign of respect.    

“Our country is one of thee most transparent societies when it comes to thee fight against corruption. In other wets, everyone knows that thee ANC is corrupt, but thee cots of law will do nothing about it. Beecos thee Hocks work for us.”

“Let me give you an eggzumpool of a west case scenario: I’m stealing meellions from thee taxpayas to build a compound – and I get away with it – because thee membas of my putty suppott me. That is why I will be elected again. All thee votas must just make their muck on that sleep of paypa called thee “seecreet ballot,” and I’ll serve another tem as your leeda. Viva, Mindless Masses, viva!”

“I leave you with this putting shot: Teachas must be more deeleegent. They must be in school, every school day of the year. All teachas must all pass grade 2. If they don't do it, we are going to enfoss it. We want inspectas to come back – but they must be BEE and AA compliant," he said.

“We must pool our reezorsees. I want all thee pee pool to use thee portabool toilets. Do not leave pools of pee all over thee conference area. Once thee conference is over, pee pool can go back to peeing in pools, or in public, or wherever they like. I thank you.”

Zuma ended his speech as he started: sweeping the audience away – with the national executive committee – who were seated behind him – waking up, and lending a hand with their feather dusters and vacuum cleaners.

Then he headed for the big party tent where he removed his Nikes, leotard, duck glasses, O-ring, and stepped into the shower – singing the traditional Zulu struggle song: “Back in the saddle again.”

*Names and places have been changed to protect innocent ..... Nah, forget it!

Disclaimer: All articles and letters published on MyNews24 have been independently written by members of News24's community. The views of users published on News24 are therefore their own and do not necessarily represent the views of News24. News24 editors also reserve the right to edit or delete any and all comments received.
 

Read News24’s Comments Policy

24.com publishes all comments posted on articles provided that they adhere to our Comments Policy. Should you wish to report a comment for editorial review, please do so by clicking the 'Report Comment' button to the right of each comment.

Comment on this story
26 comments
Add your comment
Comment 0 characters remaining

Read more from our Users

Submitted by
Abioye Olufemi
The absolute way to take Christma...

As Christmas is coming soon, I am prompted to write this Christmas article for all of us here at News24. Read more...

1 comments 50 views
Submitted by
goldeelocks
Phiyega.....SAY WHAT?????

Clearly the Honourable Minister has abrogated the duty of the SAPS to protect the citizens of this country! What then is the purpose of the SAPS?  Read more...

5 comments 131 views
Submitted by
Paulus
Genealogy of Jesus, and the probl...

The new testament writers were so kind as to leave 2 genealogies of Jesus for us to peruse, both of his father. Read more...

21 comments 201 views
Submitted by
Lee Grandmaison
Everyone is entitled to their own...

"Everyone is entitled to their own opinion." If you've ever seen or been in a debate, on or offline, you've heard this phrase quite a bit. Read more...

9 comments 225 views
Submitted by
johan609
South Africa heading South

We need to speak up. We need to take a stand. We need to take action. Read more...

13 comments 1065 views
Submitted by
PC Barnes
Old flame

There's nothing quite so dangerous as the lure of what could have been. Nothing quite so attractive to our minds as missed opportunities, missed roads.  Read more...

0 comments 296 views

Jobs in Cape Town [change area]

Property [change area]

Travel - Look, Book, Go!

Magical Massinga

Spend 5 nights at the gorgeous Massinga Beach Lodge in Mozambique and only pay for 4 from R13 220 per person sharing. Includes return flights, accommodation, transfers and romantic turndown. Book now!

Kalahari.com - shop online today

Pre-order your iPhone 6 at kalahari.com

Hurry and pre-order your own iPhone 6 now at SA’s favourite online store!

Bargain box – 60% off

Reduced prices, very limited stock. While stocks last. Hurry and shop now!

Mind blow low prices on electronics

Get either the Prestigio multiphone or Proline tablet 7” tablet for only R699. Offers valid while stocks last. Shop now!

30% off Barbie toys

Save 30% on all Barbie toys and accessories. Offer valid while stocks last. Shop now!

Baby extravanganza month at kalahari.com

Celebrate baby month with a wide range of awesome baby products. Offers valid while stocks last. Shop now.

OLX Free Classifieds [change area]

Samsung Galaxy s4

Mobile, Cell Phones in South Africa, Western Cape, Cape Town. Date October 24

Best bargain in big bay

Real Estate, Houses - Apartments for Sale in South Africa, Western Cape, Cape Town. Date October 25

VW Golf 6, 1.6 Trendline (Excellent condition)

Vehicles, Cars in South Africa, Western Cape, Cape Town. Date October 25

 

services

E-mail Alerts The latest headlines in your inbox

RSS feeds News delivered really simply.

Mobile News24 on your mobile or PDA

E-mail Newsletters You choose what you want

News24 on your iPhone Get News24 headlines on your iPhone.

SMS Alerts Get breaking news stories via SMS.

Blogs Your opinion on you, me and everyone.

Calais Website keywords automated by OpenCalais.

 
Interactive Advertising Bureau
 
© 2014 24.com. All rights reserved.
There are new stories on the homepage. Click here to see them.
 
English
Afrikaans
isiZulu

Hello 

Create Profile

Creating your profile will enable you to submit photos and stories to get published on News24.


Please provide a username for your profile page:

This username must be unique, cannot be edited and will be used in the URL to your profile page across the entire 24.com network.

Settings

Location Settings

News24 allows you to edit the display of certain components based on a location. If you wish to personalise the page based on your preferences, please select a location for each component and click "Submit" in order for the changes to take affect.








Facebook Sign-In

Hi News addict,

Join the News24 Community to be involved in breaking the news.

Log in with Facebook to comment and personalise news, weather and listings.