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Long leave, Zuma, long leave!

18 December 2012, 10:54

Reported from Bloemfontein: “President Jacob Zuma sought the moral high ground at the ANC's elective conference in Mangaung on Sunday, where he lectured on corruption and bribery.”

What? Now the President is actually TEACHING the people at the conference the finer points of getting away with corruption and bribery? Will wonders never cease!

I decided to give the whole Mung-ghauung, Man-going, Mgggauung, Bloemfontein-thing, a pass. But then I saw what must surely be one of the most bizarre news headlines of the year: “Zuma seeks the moral high ground.”

The article, published by News24, was written by a guy who calls himself: “SAPA” – in capitals – like that old miner who calls himself “ZION.” But that’s not important right now.

Reading the article, and using what’s left of my doddering imagination, I gathered the following:

Zuma appeared on stage dressed in traditional Zulu garb, i.e. leather jacket, leopard skin leotard, O-ring around the head, dark glasses, and a pair of Nikes in the African National Congress colours. He broke into song as he took to the podium and swept a delighted audience away.

Some of the delighted audience, who were swept away, later came back and listened to his 90-minute speech. (The speech started only about three hours late. This is a new Africa record.) In the speech, he accused and condemned himself and his corrupt comrades in the ANC, for perpetuating bribery and corruption. (Just kidding; this will NEVER happen!)

I can just imagine him saying:

“On behuff of thee leeda-sheep of thee ANC, I thank you for thee hut womming welcome, comrades! After a hundred yes of struggool we have overcome thee challeenjus that were facing our pee pool. Now we can enjoy thee shot tim benny feets.”

“Our suppott stuff has mobeelysed our membas. Thee fum wekkas, thee mynas – and thee fat nesses with thee beeg asses in our hospeetals – will strike! They will much down Nelson Mandela Drive on Monday – looting, benning tyres, and bringing thee putty into disrepute. Again. Viva, umshini wam, viva!”

“I don’t want to tock about thee 2007 conference in Polokwane. Thee road to Polokwane was full of division, undermining, and potholes – that’s why we are having these conference in Mung-ghauung, Man-going, Mgggauung, whatever," he said during his political report.

“Thee Deeputtmunt of Public Wex has put a struckcha in place to empowa all thee pee pool to receive governmunt grunts, free houzees, feesh and cheeps, tens of Coke, and yellow ANC-putty T-shits. All our pee pool must leave together in harmony; no pessin must hum his comrade, or his comrade’s eleven wives, or his comrade’s sixty-four children. And remember: Thee right wing fosses of Apartheid must be destroyed. Viva, Nkandla, viva!”

At some stage he removed his leather jacket in the sweltering heat of the marquee. An air-conditioning failure left many wiping away the sweat; with some dozing off – in their traditional custom; as a sign of respect.    

“Our country is one of thee most transparent societies when it comes to thee fight against corruption. In other wets, everyone knows that thee ANC is corrupt, but thee cots of law will do nothing about it. Beecos thee Hocks work for us.”

“Let me give you an eggzumpool of a west case scenario: I’m stealing meellions from thee taxpayas to build a compound – and I get away with it – because thee membas of my putty suppott me. That is why I will be elected again. All thee votas must just make their muck on that sleep of paypa called thee “seecreet ballot,” and I’ll serve another tem as your leeda. Viva, Mindless Masses, viva!”

“I leave you with this putting shot: Teachas must be more deeleegent. They must be in school, every school day of the year. All teachas must all pass grade 2. If they don't do it, we are going to enfoss it. We want inspectas to come back – but they must be BEE and AA compliant," he said.

“We must pool our reezorsees. I want all thee pee pool to use thee portabool toilets. Do not leave pools of pee all over thee conference area. Once thee conference is over, pee pool can go back to peeing in pools, or in public, or wherever they like. I thank you.”

Zuma ended his speech as he started: sweeping the audience away – with the national executive committee – who were seated behind him – waking up, and lending a hand with their feather dusters and vacuum cleaners.

Then he headed for the big party tent where he removed his Nikes, leotard, duck glasses, O-ring, and stepped into the shower – singing the traditional Zulu struggle song: “Back in the saddle again.”

*Names and places have been changed to protect innocent ..... Nah, forget it!

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