After 28 years, my ex and I parted ways, and my friend, Em, decided: "That it was best for me, in order to recover, to go out and have some fun!"
We traipsed around to ' dating agencies', and were assured by all the ladies that they were so successful, with diaries fully booked for YEARS, attending weddings.
As if this was not enough, Em advised me to be more pro-active and sign-up with every Looking-for-Nookie site out there.
And, there was a profile of James, with a photo resembling Brad Pitt. On page 2, there was James again, with another photo.
"Now, he looks like George Clooney," I told Em.
We nearly fell out of our chairs, laughing.
All done, and the telephone shrilled all day and most of the night.
I was considering having a switchboard installed and setting up a customer services call centre.
Two days later, a terribly flustered Em rang my doorbell:
Why is your 'phone engaged all the time? I can't get hold of you for an update!"
Here are some of the memorable monologues:
Andy - I will take you out for dinner, but you will pay. If, I want to see you again, I will pay for a movie. Not popcorn, though. I am sick and tired of you bitches who never want to see me again but have no problem spending my money.
Bryce - I have always wanted to be an assassin for hire. I drive a red KIA. Stands for Killed in Action.
Dylan - I need a wife to cook, clean and iron for me. How soon can you move in?
Lucas - Hello, Cathy. We are both adults. I am sitting on my bathroom floor and if I don't have sex soon, I will chew off my arm. (My name is not Cathy.)
Tom - I am a ATM manager with access to loads of cash. I can buy you anything you want. Just name it.
Terence - You are so lucky that I have found the time to call you. I have been on the 'phone all morning with that guy who owns the Hilton Hotels. What is his name again? If I get a chance I will call you tomorrow. Do you play polo? My auditors and brokers are in the board room, requesting an urgent meeting.
Chris - We met for breakfast at a busy mall. Later, - I suffer from acute memory loss. Please help me scour for my car in the parking bay.
Marco - I have this DVD. You have to see it. It's called Seven Brides for Seven Brothers. After that, we can watch porn if you like. What are you wearing?
I was tempted to reply: "A stained and tatty bathrobe, and I have bog rolls in my hair, a ciggie in one hand, and a neat vodka in the other."
Pierre sms'd like a demon for four months. One evening, I called him. In the background, I overheard:
"Oh, hello Mom. Yes, your son is on his mobile. He is very upset and had to go outside.
I asked him what was wrong, and he said he is organising a surprise for me, but there's a hitch.
Isn't that nice of him?"
DISCLAIMER - All names have been changed, to protect those involved. You know what I mean...
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