On the hallowed homepage of News24, there is a section which is the English equivalent of the Afrikaans: *Hoekie vir Eensames. It is called: Love 2 Meet. I decided to go undercover and join this club and find out what makes it tick.
Now, don’t get me wrong. This is pure research. I’m happily married – but I would like to know what my options are – just in case my lovely wife suddenly decides to drop me like a cold **vetkoek.
This is what I found:
First, you have to register and create a profile. So I said that I was Eric the Viking: Athletic, Very Attractive, English, I speak Arabic and Hindi. I’m a Heavy Drinker and Heavy Smoker; my Religion is Sikh; I’m Self-employed, and Wealthy.
But that’s not all; I completed the rest of the questionnaire thus:
Why should you get to know Eric the Viking?
“The greatest thing that can happen to you, is meeting me! You don’t know what you’re missing without me in your life.”
He (Eric) describes his deal match thus:
“My ideal match should be clever, a good cook, know how to maintain and service a tractor, be able to plow, plant, and harvest mielies, and so on…”
Eric’s Physical Characteristics:
Body hair: Hairy chest only
Disabilities: I struggle with mobility; I have chronic illness; I have a mental condition
Ruled by: The genitals
Personality Traits: Naïve
Favourite Colour: Pink
Valued Qualities: Celibacy; Humility
Interests: Knitting; Yoga
Pace of Life: Stressed
Take Drugs: Addicted
Family Closeness: I don’t speak to my family
Animals: I like them Well Done
And so on, and so on…
There are three categories on the Love 2 Meet and Eat website:
a. Men, b. Women, and, c. Search for Men and Women between the ages of 18 and 100 years. (Jeez! Imagine going on a date with a horny 99-year-old goose or randy 100-year-old old geezer!)
But that’s not important right now. What is important is that I entered ALL three categories – just to increase my chances of finding someone who I would Love 2 Meet and Eat.
I submitted my registered profile and sat back – like a fisherman – waiting with bated breath for a bite on my bait…
Well let me tell you something: I didn’t sit back for long! My g-mail started ringing off the hook! Love 2 Eaters from all over the country have taken a bite of my bated bait! Hundreds of them! (Their spelling is not really up to scratch, but who cares?). Here are just some examples of the replies I got from the category: Women between 18 and 100 years old. They give their reasons why Eric would Love 2 Eat them:
“cause im fun and I don't need a insecure person I just wanna be luved and taken care of…”
“I like people an i like to have fun with them an i like to go to movies with my friends enjoying been together have so drinks together…”
“I'm beautiful,very loving,fun and God loving, I'm a hard worker, I love traveling, good life and very giving…”
“Life has given my lemons and I learn if u add sugar with u will get lemon juice I no to take the bad and see the lesson in it…”
“Very gentle n caring lot of luv to give to the right person plain jane luv goin out n enjoy walks on da beach luv to b spoilt…”
“Hmmmm well I could feed you alota crap that I know you would like to hear ,but im not going to ... make an efford to get to know me, just msg ?Doesn't matter, then …”judge for yourself honey!:-)
“I'm honest truthful loving caring and always make the best of bad situations. Let's see if you are a genius: oh eit for eit seben faef tree too too for? What's the answer. Anyway im also told that...”
Oh, woe! What a disappointment! Not what I hoped for at all! What is wrong with these people? Bloody chancers, all of them!
I specifically specified in very precise words in my requiremental terms and conditions, and Teas and Seas, that my ideal match should: “…know how to maintain and service a tractor, be able to plow, plant, and harvest mielies, and so on…”
Not one of the candidates from Meat and Eat is suitably qualified. And yet they have the audacity and impudence to apply for this position!
And. It would seem as if most of them just want to have love and fun.
Well, ladies, let me tell you something: While you’re looking for love and fun, the tractor is still broken, and my farm is going to wrack and ruin and flotsam and jetsam!
There’ll be nothing left of this farm by the time Julius comes to take it back…
*Hoekie vir Eensames – Corner for Ugly People
**vetkoek – an obese girlfriend