The following is not a true story as told by my sister’s, teacher’s, boyfriend’s uncle, called UNCLE, and the characters are fictional to protect the neighbours. It started with the familiar N24 post:
““By Maddishell Onlyinthebackyard: “I get your point Peter....but was totally upset as John said. I could not believe it that my aunt’s boyfriends’, sister’s, adopted babysitter’s chief chef could make $65 per hour on a laptop. He/she got an almost new purple spotted Honda 7.62 Big Ballpointpen Subaru for just $1.56 after 72 Mayan cycles” See ...www.Ureallybelevthscrap007.com.”“
(Well I have news for these scammers. The friendly local neighbourhood hijackers got a brand new pitch black Toyota Fortuner for just 4.78 minute’s work at the robot around the corner. So why advertise and annoy the crap out of us valiant knights of the keyboard, hell-bent on destruction of the closest Atheist, Zionist, Christianist, DAist, EFFist or ANCist?)
To get back to UNCLE’s story, as told in the 1st person:
“Some nights ago my better half, (by a substantial amount more than half, she being better than me), and myself were having a chat and laugh about getting old. Well, to tell the truth, it was subsequent to re-reading Ram’s article on the phenomenon of human methane production and the introduction of said gas into the atmosphere. (Be it filtered or not by some form of woven clothing)
So it came to past that I then showed her, (the wife, not Ram’ MiL), Irukandji’s Horrorscope, (my printed version), and continued sampling red fermented grapes in somewhat unwise quantities. Later we were confronted by Maddishell Onlyinthebackyard telling us about her expertise in joining some family/friends/acquaintances/far removed enemies and the Politburo on a laptop, whilst making money at a rate that would shame any Arms Deal negotiator. The sales pitch from the said individual and the images conjured up, led us to some hysterical giggling and then shortly afterwards to, (theatrical cough), shall we say somewhat rather more subtle suggestions of a 4-21 nature?
We, then at a stage of reckless mind and feckless will by mutual consent, decided to take the young entrepreneurial Maddishell Onlyinthebackyard at her word. Literally. At peril of losing the fervour of the moment, please permit me to interrupt myself. I knew my wife was consenting, as she was flat on the ground laughing like a demented hyena while clapping her hands and making Venda type of noises. I, an ardent student of courtesy and the finer nuances of respect gleaned from a recent N24 article, took her actions as an invitation to a feast that promised to shame Caligula. (Correctly interpreted this time –thank Goodness).
Where to find a spare laptop? After some searching an old Mecer was pulled out of the Drawer of Gehenna, and consecrated to be sacrificed in the interest of science, research, matrimonial bliss and unwavering adherence to the manual of making out on a laptop; while being paid. (One should slip in here a side note that the thought as to who would be doing the paying did not enter our minds at that stage. We were on a higher charka, thus placing us well above such earthly and mundane materialistic considerations).
More bulk, (due genetics please note), and certainly of age, than Mad-in-the-Backyard, but we did our best. Graced by the sounds of the New London Philharmonic at full Madonna open air concert volume while China’s largest fireworks factory was burning down, Monty Python’s transportation of animal passion on the milk stained floor was but an entree, Lancaster and Kerr on the beach were a moment in eternity, DiCaprio and Winslet doing seagull imitations were amateurs, Romeo’s whatshername would have jumped off the balcony. No, this was The Hulk and Superwoman teamed and featuring at the Apollo. (Why do you think the bloody roof fell in?)
The laptop certainly did add a certain element of bemusement to the matter. In fact, next morning the faint but definite inverse ASDFG and half an H were still to be seen on some bits of anatomy. Alas, the screen did not survive. All this however, was but an insignificant price to pay to establish that there are no financial advantages of bringing a laptop to the marriage bed. That is if you discard the humour and the tattooing effect of the keyboard. But then, we were in it for fun and love, not to pull a Pamela-Anderson-hopefully-we-can-sue-for-the-royalties.
All sufficient proof that Ms. Maddishell Onlyinthebackyard is running a scam, and that making love at 60 even if old and overweight, is exactly like it was at 25. With one small exception.
Getting up afterwards is UGLY.........”