Ah thank it’s time t’ set th’ record straight on some thangs bein said ‘bout two really good folks on thisyere site. Where I come fum, thet’s fightin’ talk.
I a’ready give you my ‘pinion ‘bout Bubba an’ why he’s such a mighty good all roun’ feller, but now you folks’re getting downright nasty on Maureen as well. Dang, it jest ain’t right! She wants t’ poop in her garden t’ make her t’maters taste better, why in tarnation y’all thank it’s wrong?
Two years ago my houn’ upped an’ died, an’ I buried him in th’ patch at th’ back o’ th’ cabin, an’ you shoulda seen the taters we got th’ nex’ year. Man, they wus tasty! Now y’all thank poopin’ in the back garden’ gonna make them t’maters taste worse? They gonna be big an’ red an’ juicy as all heck, thet’s whut!
Bubba goes out ever’ year an’ goes an’ whomps them seals on th’ haid t’ feed them little starvin’ Eskimos, thisyere Maureen is doin’ her bit as well! She don’ waste no water with showerin’ or usin’ toilet paper or none a thet big city stuff. She should move up here.
Fact is, ifn she went t’ hunt seals with Bubba, she wouln’ even need furs, cause fum whut she says, she got enough hair t’ keep her plenty warm. Maybe they should git t’gether, them two, cause he cain’t seem t’keep a wife, an’ she looks like she needs a strong man fer a husban’.
An’ when my maw an’ paw do they groomin’, cuttin’ out th’ little danglies t’ make th’ hair down their all clean agin, why my paw collects my momma’s pee an’ uses it fer moonshine, an’ I kin tell you, people fum all over the Ozarks come t’ taste thet moonshine. Man, she’s smoothe!
Little kids are dyin’ all over Africa and you folks’re usin water to bath in? Thet’s jest plumb selfish!
Maureen, any ol’ time you wanna come up here an’ meet y’self a real man who’s gonna ‘preciate you for y’own self, you jest come, an’ we’ll be waiting fer you, unless you hook up with Bubba firs’.
Ah jest wan’ you t’know, thet up here, we thank folks is givin’ you a real bad time, an’ we admire somebody like you. Smart enough t’ use a computer an’ smart enough not t’ shave. A real woman, thet’s whut y’ are an’ a credit t’ all wimmen.
You an’ Bubba, thet’s a match made in heaven. An’ I hope you two can git it t’gether b’fore his boobs is bigger’n yourn.
This is fum Abner an’ Buford, but I writ it, cus Buford, he cain’t write.
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