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Hamish Hamilton-Pope
 
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Meet God.

15 April 2013, 07:24

God is closer than you can imagine. In fact He is married to the Queen of England and goes by the name of Prince Philip (Doubters, please, this article is not for your eyes, serious devotees only).

God, in his wonderful Grace has revealed Himself to us through the Prince and if you are a Hater, then know that you have just not taken the time to research your FACTS and are probably an atheist, or Heaven forbid, a Christian. Also know that you are doomed.

Just like Christians have their Holy Book of Facts, so do we adherents  of the Prince Philip Movement have our text and you can study the lowdown at http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Prince_Philip_Movement

But mere written words cannot compare to the Truth handed down through our ancestors. Does the legend not say that God was an ancestral spirit who left the island of Vanuatu quite a long time ago? And does local lore not prove that there was a Deity living in a volcano in the Pacific and that He ‘became a white man who went away to Britain to marry the Queen’. 

It is a well-known FACT that the Duke of Edinburgh has since visited the island, and has even re-established a connection with the villages, signing a portrait of Himself (held in veneration by Chief Jack).

And who can forget the day Chief Jack sent God a traditional war club as a gift, and God being the humble God He is, posed next to it and sent another photograph back!

(If I may add at this point that if a Seeker of Light were genuinely hoping to experience God’s Grace, he or she would be best off worshipping Philip, because He is at least proven to exist and has answered Chief Jack’s prayers- other religions do not offer the same astonishing proof.)

Of course it would be nice if God would move back to Vanuatu on a permanent basis.

Said Chief Jack, “I would like to invite him to the village. He will be guest of honour and we'll roast pigs and bullocks for him. We'll cook him yams and celebrate with coconut shells filled with kava. All the girls will dance for him.

'We want him to spend the last years of his life here, because we believe that when he returns as our God, his powers will make our wrinkles disappear and we will have many wives to attend to our every need. He won't have to hunt for pigs or anything. He can just sit in the sun and have a nice time.”

So scoff you doubters and blasphemers. Mark my words, Prince Philip will have the last laugh. Then let’s see how arrogant you are! You WILL bow down before the Duke.

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