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Irukandji
 
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Meet the “New” GEPF

03 September 2012, 11:13

I have just read the Government Employees Pension Fund’s (GEPF) quarterly newsletter for pensioners. Let me share some of the contents of this preposterous publication with you.

In the opening address the Acting Principal Officer, John Olifant, states: ‘“As part of our branding exercise and in tandem with the Board of Trustees’ vision, “To be a role model for pension funds worldwide,” I am pleased to inform you that the GEPF now boasts a new corporate identity (look and feel.)”’

True to form – in line with the government’s senseless policy of changing names and symbols – the logo has been changed. The old logo used to be the Coat of Arms. (You know the one: two nude Bushman with their *knobkerries exposed, and the motto: !ke e: /xarra //ke, which, in the Khoisan language means: “Why flash a spear? Real men flash a Knobkerrie!”)

The new GEPF logo consists of three (vaguely) human figures. They seem to be throwing litter to the four winds – or trying to catch the pieces of an exploding green condom. In South Africa – where littering and condoms are national symbols – this is fitting. However, John Olifant explains:

“The structure of the logo is portrayed as a tree. The tree in the new logo is not specific to any species, thereby enhancing the universal appeal of the design for a broad spectrum of the population in the **public service.”

(Mr Olifant, are you not perhaps confusing “tree” with “boom?” A tree is something you climb, or sit under. Boom is that green stuff you’ve been smoking. There’s a difference, I tell you!)

But that’s not all!

Olifant then waxes lyrical: “The colours ***(burnt orange, olive green, sandstone, medium slate and dark slate) are warm, inviting, accommodating and majestic.”

What??? This is a logo for PENSIONERS, Mr Olifant! Some of these old farts can hardly see their shoes – let alone distinguish the colours of a tiny little logo.

My questions regarding the new logo are these:

How much did this exercise in futility cost?

Who designed the logo?

Who received the tender?

How does the new logo benefit the pensioners?

Who killed cock Robin?

Moving on:

The Frequently Asked Question (FAQs) in the newsletter goes something like this:

Q: If I die, how are my benefits (pronounced: Benny feets) distributed to my beneficiaries (Benny fisheries)?

A: When you die, you are in fact, dead – meaning that you’ve stopped your contributions and will no longer be able to collect your monthly pension under the tree of warm, inviting, accommodating and majestic colours. A once-off lump sum will be divided between your nine wives, fifteen spouses, numerous life partners, concubines, various skelmpies, and your sixty-five children. This, however, will only be done if you personally submit the Nomination of Beneficiaries form (WP1002) on the day of your death. Should you die more than once, the pension will automatically be divided equally between whoever is left behind and those who are not. If you die within five years of retiring, you can claim your monthly pension payments for the five-year period of your passing away. For instance, if you retired two years ago and were receiving R4 000 when you died, you can still claim three years’ worth of pension payments. This would work out to R12 500. In legal terms, this is known as the Marikana manoeuvre. Likewise, if the cops shoot you one year before you are supposed to die, we would pay you for four years – as if you were still alive. Right! Does that answer your question?

Q: What is an eligible child?

A: An eligible child is someone who is under the age of forty (like the members of Malema’s Youth League); or a learner in Grade 3, who is under the age of twenty nine; or any member of the ruling ANC-government’s family, irrespective of age.

Q: What are “unclaimed benefits?”

 A: These are simply benefits, which the government will claim, when you’re not looking.

Etc, etc, etc.

Don’t you think that the old pensioners deserve a better deal than to be given a worthless LOGO at the end of their working lives? I certainly do.

*knobkerries – male procreation mechanisms

**public service – lazy, incompetent, overpaid, corrupt officials

***burnt orange, olive green, sandstone, medium slate and dark slate – all the colours of diarrhoea?

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