After a harrowing week at the office, you may decide, "Bugger the Boss. I will open my own business and I know I will do a better job.'
Before handing in your resignation you furtively use the office equipment and stationery while dreaming of putting your feet up on the desk and bossing your staff around.
Even if they have never run a business such as yours, everyone and his brother has sage advice and points of view regarding the legalities and technicalities.
One intellectual advised that when I collect guests from the airport I need to have a parrot perched on my shoulder. Wonder what security would say about that?
This is what you are never told:
Your Auditor: Who is grateful for your contribution towards his vacation in Europe.
Your Website: You shop around and are proud of your website, but no other developer agrees. Be prepared for endless e-mails informing you that it is not good enough. For an additional fee, they, whoever they are, will have you on the front page of Google. How many entries, I ask, are able to appear on the front page - 100, 200 a 1 000?
Your Internet Service Provider: You are not Bill Gates although their staff assume you are. They speak gobbledygook and ask for serial numbers which are always located in fine print @ obtuse angle. You have to lie on your back to retrieve these while customers think you are daft.
Telkom: My landline often crackles and then gives up completely. I report this asap and when I give the first three digits for an alternative number for their reference number, all becomes dark.
Eskom: See above.
The Customers: If you offer a freebie, they will haggle for discount.
Should you forget to switch off your 'phone, be prepared for: "Hi, I'm sorry to bother you so late but we need to discuss your quotation."
After your return from a frontal lobotomy operation or cardiac arrest, they may be affronted that you stayed away for so long.
The will complain about your bad service on HelloPeter. Or compliment you on your good service.
The so-tell-me's: ' How much rent do you pay here? How much you make in a month? Just a ball park figure. Is it enough to put food on the table? Can I offer you some advice?'
Loans: I best one I received - You Qualify for a Loan up to 50 years @ 2% interest.
Gifts: Congratulations, you have won a competition you entered with us. I did? I don't recall. Unless it is a car or a cruise, I ask them to pop this into the postbox. Not so straightforward. In order to claim I will receive discount on their printer cartridges on a 36 month contract. Free delivery guaranteed. That is the prize.
Seminars: You will be chosen to attend many which will be Beneficial for Your Business. Usually in Florida. In the USA.
Those Who Would Like to do Business with you: Totally unrelated to your business as they are selling clothing, steel piping, pet food and shipping containers.
However, if you would like to expand and know more, you will need to dial 0800NOTAVAILABLE.
Staff: If they aren't happy, neither are the customers. But, it would be nice if they would notify you before 9am that they are not coming into work today. And maybe tomorrow.
I need to go now. It's my turn to make coffee.