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Minister says Afrikaner men own their wives...sells self down river.

28 February 2013, 10:00

So I see the Minister of Women, Children and People with Disabilities reckons that Afrikaner men grow up learning that their women and children are their property. As in we own our spouses and kids. Sort of like you own a TV, except you also get to make them fetch you things like braai tongs and beer. Or is that Klippies and Coke? I struggle to fit into my own stereotype sometimes, but hey, whatcha gonna do?

Anyway, the Minister's statement was news to me, even though I did grow up in the quintessential Afrikaner Calvinist household. As an example, consider that my mother made sure we went to Sunday school, every Sunday, without fail, even though she got to skip church herself. I hated it, because if God really loved me he’d let me have Sundays off like it said in the Bible, but when you go to the brass tacks of the thing, really, my mother was god. This arrangement was pretty much de rigueur in our immediate circle, as far as I could make out. My pals also hated Sunday school but their mothers made them go. Like me, they had Fathers who sympathised, but daren’t go against the wishes of the true ruler of their fates. So we all went school on Sundays while our Fathers mowed lawns or washed cars or peeled potatoes for Sunday lunch. Dad did not seem to know that he owned my mother. I guess he never got the memo.

One can see, then, that it was with much glee that I learned yesterday that I own my wife and children (think “Whooop, There it is!”) Granted, she’s English and we speak English at home and both my sons are English and when we visit my mom she speaks English to everyone but me, and virtually all of our(read her) friends are English, but that’s neither here nor there. It certainly is not any sort of indication that I’ve forgone all my rights as an Afrikaner boy. After all, I own them bithces, right?

This new arrangement poses a number of questions, though. For starters, how does on determine a fair price for the old ball and chain?  Is it sort of a willing buyer willing seller kind of a deal? I hope not because that did not work out so well with the whole land restitution thing, so now they are making laws to get rid of all that nonsense to instead make it a “just and equitable” setup. I confess I’ve no idea what that means since it seems to me to be pretty much the same thing as market-related pricing, but hey, if the market ain’t selling then what is a market-related price? Is the Government going to do the same thing for wives, then? What if I want to sell my wife, but no-one wants to buy her? How low can I go before she’s no longer priced justly and equitably? Say I do not get a fair price, would a straight swap be feasible? But then, what if I don’t like the new wife? Is there going to be a waiting period before I can sell the new one on? Or does it make more sense to have a built-in cool off period like you have when you buy a house? What about the kids? Does one sell them as individuals or more of a package deal? Maybe a buy one, get one free type of promotion? What if you have three?

Also, how do I broach this subject with her? Until now we’ve been operating under the assumption that we’re equals, two adults who consented to living together and sharing the joys and burdens of life because we happen to love one another. Obviously, that shit is over now, but I don’t quite know how to inform her that she’s my property. She’s bound to object, and vociferously so. I’d like to avoid that, if at all possible, since she could talk the hind legs of a donkey once she get started in on this. I reckon we’re talking two weeks at the least...

In fact, come to think of it, this may not be worth it after all. Is it OK if I keep thinking of my wife as the center around which revolves my entire universe, much like Sheldon Cooper’s spot on the couch? That she owns me in much the same way as I am supposed to own her, only exponentially more so since I happen to love her more than any material value I can conceive?

Minister, will that be ok?

Minister, are you there?

Guess she's been sold then. Lobolla, I think it's called.

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