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nokulunganzondo
 
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Motherhood is a guilty profession

17 July 2014, 15:40
Being a mother of two children one doesn't live with should be criminal, considering the amount of guilt one feels on a daily basis! Being a working mother is even worse! I know millions of women work, and are wives and moters and today, i want to know how y'all cope because it looks like i will lose my mind before my daughter's impending teenagehood.

when she was born, i wasn't married. so i felt guilty about THAT! Then i lived in the residence of the hospital i worked in, so i couln't even provide her with a decent home. Her father dumped me many times during and after the pregnancy, so i failed in picking a daddy too! I had cracked nipples from breastfeeding, and i was guilty for introducing her to formula. I wrote my 2nd year final exams when she was a week old, can you imagine the guilt when i had to leave her to go to college! she developed colic on her first month, and as my room was on 16th floor, i visualised tossing her down to the ground below from my window when i was desperate for sleep. i am still consumed with guilt for that. for her first birthday, i had the ingenious idea of getting her an ice cream cake....and when she wouldn't sleep later that night, i was so guilty for giving her a sugar rush! due to my work, in 2011 she went to leave in Zimbabwe with my sister, and i wake up in a panic when i start thinking about all the guilt this decision entails, even todate!

My son is three, an angel with dimples, and looks just like me. i wallked out on his daddy when i was seven months pregnant with him, so i was guilty long before he was born. he now lives with granny in Johannesburg while i work in KZN, and i may need hospitalization soon for the guilt this causes me. when i visit each month he's singing a new sond from creche, he know's his full name, his home adress and granny's name, and he tells me he loves me every three minutes. when i took him to creche on Monday, he turned to me and promised that he wouldn't cry when i dropped him off, because i said i'd pick him up later that day. i almost collapsed with guilt, because of the emotional damage my child sustains for me not being there everyday. when i dropped him off at granny's to go back to KZN, he told me he wouldn't cry. But i'd have sold my soul not to have him shuffle into the lounge with his head hung when he realised once more i was leaving!

i'm guilty for being an absent mom. when i phone my kids i'm guilty when the airtime runs out and they still have a million things to tell me. i'm guilty when my daughter wants to hang up because i'm disturbing her watching some show on television.
when i visit them i'm guilty for overcompensating with millions of presents. i'm guilty if they eat too much sweets, and even more when i discipline them. i'm guilty when i hear them say bad words they pick up from others, and when they just have minds of their own!

Mothers out there, save me from the guilt! as it is, i'm preparing a cage with a plasma screen television and hd decoder, and large amounts of soda for when my daugher becomes a teenager. i never want her to date, at least until she's 40! She grew breasts and pubic hair and i cringe looking at her, and i'm guilty i wasn't around to see it happen. Lord save me from when she goes on her period because we still haven't had the 'talk'.

The point is, i just can't seem to get it right. Everyday i wake up in a sweat thinking of all the ways my kids can come to harm, and all the ways in which i CANNOT protect them, and i'm guilty for not being supermom. Help me, i'm going crazy!

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