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Irukandji
 
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My Hero!

03 April 2014, 19:15

I suppose everyone has one or more heroes, or “role models,” as they are called nowadays. Mine used to be Namgyal Wangdi (PBUH), or, as he later became known, Tenzing Norgay (PBUHAW).

Norgay was a Nepalese Sherpa mountaineer. (He was called a mountaineer because he loved to climb mountains, Sakkie. If he loved to mount goats, he would have been called a goataineer. And so on, and so forth.) He reached the summit of Mount Everest, together with Edmund Hilary, on 29 May 1953.

Norgay saved Hilary’s life twice on the climb; lugged all his kit and equipment, and virtually carried him to the summit. Hillary became an instant celebrity – he was knighted by Queen Elizabeth II.

For his efforts, Norgay received a T-shirt and a few portions of KFC. Or the Sherpa equivalent thereof: Nepalese Mountain Goat (NMG).

What made Norgay my hero?

The fact that he never laid claim to fame and fortune like Hillary did. He stayed out of the limelight. He lived in the shadow of sir Edmund and Mount Everest for the rest of his life. He died, all but forgotten, in 1986. He was my hero...

Until now.

For the past couple of weeks, my letterbox has been stuffed daily. (No, Sakkie, a person who loves to stuff letterboxes is not called a letterboxaineer. He is called a bloody postman, because he is constantly on strike.) The mail I’ve been receiving is addressed to a certain Mr. E. Zwart – a person whom I have never had the honour to meet in this life or the next – and it concerns his outstanding e-toll payments.

I have stated publicly that I am going to be known as: “The Last Man Standing without an E-Toll on Earth.” It would seem as if Mr. Zwart has decided on doing exactly the same thing. And much like Norgay, he is not going to lay claim to fame – he is leaving the Knighthood, or in this case, The Sleeping Companion of Mapungubwe (SCM), 1st Class, to me.

But, being shy and introverted, as well as magnanimous and generous, and scrupulously honest, I cannot accept the Title and stardom alone. I have tried various ways of finding the illusive Mr. Zwart’s present whereabouts – to no avail.

I would have asked Cro Magnon, the Pea Eye, to look into the matter, but Sakkie said that it was a bad idea. He is convinced that Cro would find Zwart, and then throw him into the tar pits.

Eric de la Vega de Castro, my dear friend and confidant, has been searching day and night for hide and hair of Mr Zwart. No luck so far.

So here is my plea to you, the reader: Please help me track down this noble individual, so I can share my celebrity status with him. Here are his details as supplied by SANRAL on their account statements to him:

*E. Zwart

VPC Account ID: 10028314049

RSA ID document: 7612095129081

Vehicle License Plate Number: ZND398GP; RZC609GP

In the meantime, being a honey-bugger who believes that everything, including manhole covers, electric cables, and corrupt showerheads should be recycled, I’m selling all Mr. Zwart’s correspondence to a paper recycling company. The proceeds will go to my favourite charity. In other words: straight into my banking account.

According to the newspapers, an invoiced amount of R543 544 574 had been transferred to Sanral’s Violations Processing Centre, because people are not paying e-tolls.

The Opposition to Urban Tolling Alliance (Outa) said the SA National Roads Agency Ltd (Sanral) could be a further R2 billion in debt in the next three months.

Mr. Zwart has not contributed one single cent to Sanral’s unholy scheme. And he owes them BIG BUCKS, believe me. He is my hero, or e-roll model, as it shall be known in future.

Please blow the whistle and help me find him. Reward. Dead or Alive.

E-mail any leads or information to ericdlvdc@gmail.com

*E. Zwart – real, genuine, authentic, actual name and details, as supplied by Sanral

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