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My Last Post

19 December 2013, 07:52

This shall be my last post for the year; so I thought it would be fitting if I stopped clowning around, and write something serious for a change.

But, while we’re on the subject of the last post, did you know that the “Last Post” is either a B-flat bugle call within the British Infantry regiments, or an E-flat cavalry call in the British Cavalry?

The Last Post dates back from at least the 17th century *BZ. It comes from an Old Dutch custom, called taptoe. Taptoe was the time of night when all the beer taps in the Dutch shebeens had to be closed; signaling that the day has ended – and that the men should go home so that their wives could beat them up for spending so much money on booze.

Taptoe comes from the phrase in **Naydirlunch: Doe den tap toe, meaning “Close the tap.”

Listening to someone speaking Naydirlunch, Dutch, or ***Hollandaise, never fails to make me laugh. No matter what is being said – it always sounds as if the speaker is as drunk as the South African judge, who crashed his S-type Jaguar, into a wall.

I still believe that Johan Anthoniszoon van Riebeeck (the true founding father of this country, according to my History teacher), made landfall at the Cape, because he couldn’t understand what his ship’s navigator was telling him.


Navigator: “Jan, mijn vriend, ik denk dat we verloren. Ik kan dat grote bloederige berg niet op mijn kaart vinden.” (We’re lost. I can’t find that bloody big mountain on my map.)

Van Riebbeck: “Voortreffelijk! Ik zal deze plek Kaapstad te noemen, en we zullen hier dronken vanavond bij de V&A waterkant hotel. En bugger de man die schreeuwt: Doe den tap toe!” (Excellent! I’ll name this place Cape Town, and we’ll go for drinks at the V&A Waterfront Hotel tonight. And bugger the man who shouts: Close the tap!)

Navigator: “Ben je gek of heb je jeukende ballen?” (Are you crazy or do you have an itchy scrotum?)

Van Riebeeck: “Dat is precies wat ik je probeer te vertellen, je dwaze kêrel!” (That’s exactly what I’ve been trying to tell you, you stupid fellow!)

Since then, no one has ever shouted: “Doe den tap toe,” in South Africa. And that is the reason why our shebeens stay open till dawn every night. So now you know.

But that’s not important right now.

What is important is that I’ll be going to a little place called Inhassoro, in Mozambique, for the Christmas holidays, to do some charity work amongst the locals.

Why there, and not our own people, you may well ask. And I’ll tell you why:

Our locals have become so used to living like leeches and parasites on government grants and handouts – “demanding” everything for free – striking, looting, burning, destroying, even killing innocent people; screaming: “Racist!” whenever they cannot have their way. So now I’ve decided: Enough is enough. No more. I will not lend them a helping hand anymore.

Even after twenty years of “freedom,” it is not uncommon for a black in South Africa, to ask a white person for a “Christmas Box.”

Why? Do they think that all whites suffer from guilt complexes? That we have to hand out presents and money to compensate for being previously advantaged? Or because they think that all whites are rich?

Sorry, my black compatriots, I’ve decided to “Doe den tap toe.” My tap is closed. I’ve decided to open my tap for blacks in another country; where my help is “appreciated,” and not “demanded.”

That’s it. ‘Nuff said.

To all of you that I’ve regularly “spoken” to on these pages during this past year: enjoy the festive season and “Houd de kranen wijd open,” (Keep the taps wide open,) as long as you don’t get behind the wheel.

Here’s my Christmas wishes:

Blessings on: Sir Rammsteen, Desilusionada, Tyronehster, Zohan Steppingstone, WrefordWhite, NoeNoe, Crabbie, Coleen, Leah, Blackbeard, Barbarossa, Irish Mike, Thinking Ape, CyberMatix, Lacrimosewolf, Atheitis, Phae Rayden, Umlilo-HanifManjoo, Dave Elmore, Wessel Cronje, Feeble Bongo, Moe Masedi, and all and all.

A Pox on: ZION.

*BZ – before Zuma

**Naydirlunch – Dutch language

***Hollandaise – Dutch sauce, which they use as paint remover

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