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Rob Heaney
 
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Noisy crickets

14 April 2014, 07:28

"Haven't you heard? Well you must have? They haven't stopped chirping for weeks on end."


"No, what?"


"The crickets Debora, the crickets!"


From Tableview to Tamboerskloof their trilling noises can be heard.


Housewives, complaining about the crickets.


"Well I heard it was because of global warming, but Cheryl says her pastor thinks it's a sign from above."


"Well whatever is causing it I wish it would blerry-well STOP IT. It kept me and Denis up all night those things, and he use to be the romantic one, loved the sound of crickets by moon-light he did"


An unseasonably wet summer and recent warm weather has seen a hopping explosion of the vocal critters.


"I want to know what is being done about this" a concerned resident of a complex in Parklands was quoted as saying.


"Since their natural enemy cats and dogs are not allowed in the complex they have taken over the garden and their noise at all hours evening and early hours of the morning is driving me crazy" she went on to say.


Now that concerned resident was on to something, but as we all know the natural enemy of the cricket is not the cat or dog but rather the lizard.


So the plan should be to release a large number of lizards. The lizards will then feast on all the noisy crickets. Problem solved you might say, not quite. How is one to enjoy their quiet chirp free evenings with all these lizards around?


Quite simple, release the dogs and cats. The natural enemy of the lizard is in fact the cat and dog. That sorts the lizards out. But when the chirps of crickets have been replaced with a cacophony of meows and barks. Then what?


Well it's obvious, what better way to scare off the well fed cats and dogs with but bears?


"Bears you say? Well aren’t those things pretty dangerous?"


"They can be, and there is the chance they might eat the odd child or two, but no one wants to live with noisy crickets. And besides bears love honey and everyone knows you can tame bears with honey."


"Won’t honey attack bees?" And bees? Don't they attract birds?" And when the birds and the bees get together, well you know, don't more children appear?"


"We're all good on that front, the bears have that one covered."


"This plan is well thought out."


"Ah go ahead, you can release the lizards, we're ready for them now."

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