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Not the State of the Nation Address

07 February 2012, 12:06

Warning: Please do not tell anyone of this article; whistle blowers and journalists who publish "classified" information can be jailed for up to 25 years under the Protection of Information Bill.

 

President Jacob Zuma will be presenting his yearly State of the Nation Address (SONA) on Thursday night. Here is a sneak preview of the Honourable Showerhead’s speech; stolen by one of his dozens of children – from one of his numerous wives – who passed it on to a member of his gang of bodyguards; who finally sold to me for a small bribe.

 

Here is the presentation in its entirety:

“Honourable Speaker;
Chairperson of the National Council of Bankrupt Provinces;
Deputy Speaker of the National Assembly and Deputy Chairperson of the NCOP;
Deputy President of the Republic, Honourable Kgalema Motlanthe;
Honourable Chief Justice of the Republic of South Africa and all other intoxicated members of the Judiciary;
Isithwalandwe President Nelson Rolihlahla Mandela;
Former President FW de Klerk and Wouter Basson;
Our father, Former President Kenneth Kaunda, jou ma se moer;
Former deputy presidents and Tokoloshes;
Distinguished premiers and tenderpreneurs of our provinces;
Chairperson of SALGA and the local incompetent government leadership;
Chairperson of the National House of Traditional Leaders;
Heads of Chapter 9 Institutions for Sangomas, Ancestors, and Ghosts;
The Governor of the Reserve Bank;
Special international guests, especially the Chairperson of the African Union Commission, Mr Jean Ping;
Former political prisoners, veterans, and corrupt ANC members;
Members of the diplomatic corps and other criminals;
South African and foreign media – we’re watching you;
Fellow South African sheeple,
Dumelang, molweni, goeie naand julle bliksemse boere, good evening, sanibonani nonke emakhaya!
Siyavuya ukuba nani ngobubusuku bubaluleke gaan kakka.”

“Honorouble Speaker...” (Clack, clack, clack!)

“CAN YOU HEAR ME AT THE BACK?”

 

At the back, someone is softly singing: “Shawara ya re sokodisa.”

 

Zuma: “Honourable comrades, compatriots and friends, this year I promise to make even more promises and to give you even more false statistics and false hopes than ever before. We shall rule until Malema comes back!”

 

We recall the words of Madiba on his release, when he said and I quote: "I stand before you, not as a prophet but as a humble servant of you, the people. Your tireless and heroic sacrifices have made it possible for me to be here today. I therefore place the remaining years of my life in your hands."

 

Presidential spokesman, Mac Maharaj: “Wake up, ANC comrades! We shall now join the president in singing and dancing to the song *Yada, Yada, Yada.”

 

“Some say I should worry

And some watch where I walk

Yada, yada, yada

Brotha, that’s just talk

I’m a friend, if I was a foe, I would be

Knock, knock, knockin’ at yo’ front door.”

 

Mac Maharaj: “Please sit down, comrades, and go back to sleep!”

 

Zuma continues:

 

We are guided by what Madiba said in the dock, and I quote:

"During my lifetime I have dedicated myself to this struggle of the African people.

I have fought against white domination, and I have fought against black domination. I have cherished the ideal of a democratic and free society, in which all persons live together in harmony, and with equal opportunities. It is an ideal which I hope to live for, and to achieve. But if needs be, it is an ideal for which I am prepared to die."

 

Mac Maharaj: “Wake up, comrades! Please rise for the singing of the National Anthem by our Honourable Leader, Mister Jacob Gedleyihlekisa “Showerhead” Zuma!!!

 

The crowd goes wild as Zuma steps up and sings:

 

“Umshini wami mshini wami

khawuleth'umshini wami

Umshini wami mshini wami,
khawuleth'umshini wami
Umshini wami mshini wami,
khawuleth'umshini wami
khawuleth'umshini wami
Wen'uyang'ibambezela

umshini wami, khawuleth'umshini wami.

 

Zuma concludes: “That’s all, sheeple! Check out my new Facebook page, PresidencyZA. I thank you.”

 

Mac Maharaj: “Wake up! Wake up! And that, comrades, brings us to the beginning of tonight’s revelry and carousing. Make sure to switch on the blue lights on your way home; don’t worry about causing accidents, and remember: the Johnny Blue is on the house! See you next year!”

 

The sheeple stampede to the bar.

 

*(Yada, Yada, Yada by TECH N9NE, lyrics by Watson, Wilson, and Aaron)

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