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Of mountains and pigs

03 June 2013, 20:21

Mountains, and those silly enough to climb them, have always fascinated me. When asked why he climbed the mountain, Moses apparently replied: “Because it’s there.” (Or maybe I’ve got his name confused with that English mountaineer, George Mallory – but then again, “Mallory” and “Moses” do sound rather similar, don’t they?)

I spent the last week up in the mountains and decided to read up on some mountainsy stuff. Right off the first putt I ran into some attention-grabbing facts – like the proverbial Molehill of a Mountain Cliff-hanger.

Many of you, I’m sure, are well acquainted with the works of the English Lord Chancellor, Sir Francis Bacon, 1st Viscount St Alban (1561–1626), Order of Mapungubwe, Suiderkruis Medalje, Pro Patria, etc, etc, a prominent Tudor politician, philosopher and scientist.

For those of you who missed the news, Bacon has passed on, but he has left us with these immortal words of wisdom: “If the mountain will not come to Muhammad, then Muhammad must go to the mountain.

From this adage, we can deduce the following:

·         Sir Francis had exhaustive knowledge of mountains and their behaviour.

·         He was a student of the Islamic faith.

·         He had no Muslim friends – Bacon (pork) is Haram (forbidden) in Islam.

The full phrase from the story of Mohammed, as retold by Francis Bacon, in Essays (1625), reads:

“Mahomet cald the Hill to come to him. And when the Hill stood still, he was *neuer a whit abashed, but said; If the Hill will not come to Mahomet, Mahomet wil go to the hil.”

Clearly, Bacon’s knowledge of the English language was way below par – and his spell checker was on the blink – but that’s not important right now.

Present uses of the Bacon phrase usually use the word “mountain” rather than “hill.” This version appeared soon after Bacon's Essays, in a work by John Owen, 1643:

“If the mountaine will not come to Mahomet, Mahomet will goe to the mountaine.”

(Seems like Owen’s spell checker also had a problem, or a “challenge,” as it is known in Fanagalo.)

But, be that as it may, the question now arises: why is pork “haram” in Islam?

I consulted that everlasting oracle of wisdom: – The Largest Shia Community on Line since Year 1998BC.

I was stunned and shocked and awed! I’ll share just some of this information with you; the rest is not fit for human consumption:

·         A pig has no neck; therefore, Islamically, it is impossible to slaughter a pig.

·         Trichinosis, scientifically referred to as the trichinella spiralis, the most common infection in humans from pig meat, is a subtle killer.

·         Trichina is just one of **NINETEEN worms found in pigs, in addition to lice and rickets and thumps and snouts and anuses and mange and other stuff too horrible to mention.

·         The trichina worm is deadly – thoroughly cooking a pig does not ensure the worm’s death. (But it will kill the pig.)

Finally, an article by Carlyle C. Douglas, might make you think twice before eating pork:

Pigs kill more Americans every year than traffic accidents, murderers and all other accidents combined. Even wartime enemies have been unable to kill as fast as our own docile, domestic beast. Guns and bombs have proven much less effective than the weapons carried by these hoofed and ***snouted killers. From farms and feedlots they stalk us, sniping with pork chops, sausages, hamburger (yes, not all of them are 100% beef), hot dogs, liver and bacon. The fatal wounds they inflict include coronary heart disease, arteriosclerosis, and colonic and rectal cancer.”

Now, you might ask: “Why does Irukandji love to eat pork chops and sticky ribs?”

To which I would reply: “Because it’s there!”

*neuer a whit abashed – slightly the moer in

**NINETEEN worms – bigger pigs have even more worms and other horrible stuff!

***snouted killers – Al-Qaeda terrorists

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