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Of party manifestos

07 April 2014, 07:22

Since this is the party manifesto season, I have been listening to all the manifesto launches and they all follow the same pattern; i.e. have a go at other parties, especially the ruling party and then offer a long, long list of promises such that at the end of the launch one can barely remember what was promised at the beginning unless it was a prodigiously impossible fib or a mere terminological inexactitude that politicians are prone to.

So, we who don’t believe in the fibs of the EFF; the grand plan of the ANC; the obfuscation of the DA; the marching chorus of the UDM; the ‘I’ve been in this game for a long time’ litany of the IFP; the raving and ranting half of COPE; and the kissing promises and the vitriol thrown at each other at devorce of DAgang we can find solace in the political platform/formation/movement/party of the party-less people.

Our manifesto does not attack other parties, we go straight to the point and offer a few points in line with helping the majority who only managed 30% pass mark the last time they boycotted school.

On Health: To reduce the spread of HIV/AIDS, every man over sixteen years will undergo compulsory castration, as it has been proved that this procedure reduces infection by 55% (Oops, sorry, I meant circumcision) We will retain the current minister of health to rewrite this part of the manifesto. It’s obvious my deployed comrades have no clue on matters of health. (But convicted first time rapists will be castrated)

On Agriculture, we will round up the Boers, give them pocket money and ship them to Europe so they can join existing opposition uprisings in Ukraine and Syria or they can start new ones in England to help the Scots achieve independence and in Spain for the Basque region to become a sovereign state. This will free the land in SA for cabbage farmers.

On Education we will make education free and compulsory for all up to first degree level so that even the commander in chief will have the letters: B Tech (Wood Technology) after his name.

As for the Justice system, taking a leaf out of the Bus Rapid Transit (BRT) system that has revolutionized the urban transport in Johannesburg; we will introduce a Court Rapid Trial (CRT) system so that trials don’t take for ever to be finalized. Two weeks maximum and a conviction rate of 95% other wise the judge’s perks will be withheld. Those who plead guilty will get lighter sentences like life with normal labour as opposed to life with hard labour; meat four times a week as opposed to meat once a week; labour in the gardens as opposed to labour in the brick fields; and etc.

As for the Prisons, we will abolish the parole system. Every prisoner will be required to serve the full sentence. Life will be life. We will throw away the keys and only look for spares when we want to take out the box for burial in a designated cemetery for lifers. (We don’t want their ghosts to mix with those of innocent people) If we can’t find the spare keys, we will employ graduates from the metal work classes of the FET colleges to fabricate duplicates and so we create employment. All prisoners will work for their board and lodging. Hard labour on chain gangs will be introduced, so we get the roads fixed. The prisoners will be so tired at the end of the long day that they will not have the time and energy to have sex, thus reduce HIV/AIDS infection among prisoners.

On Mines, we will introduce a law that any one person can only own up to three percent of the shares in only one mine house or company. Three quarters of ownership will be South Africans.

On Corruption, we will Impose VAT of 50% on brown envelops, thereby hit the corrupt transactions where it hurts. We will also impose an income tax levy of 30% on any suspected fraudulent transaction. This will go up to 40% when the bribe involves a SARS official. We will know that corrupt activities are taking place because we will impose a national Salaries scale and so know how much each person can afford – street wise two or a family feast! The National salary scale we will mean the lowest paid will earn R5000 per month. Those earning up to R35 000 per month and employ a domestic helpers will get the full domestic helpers salary paid back to them! All employers will get tax rebate on salaries. Contributions to medical saving and pension schemes will be compulsory. Companies that handle these public funds and derive profit will pay 50% tax. All those earning between one and four million and rand a year will pay income tax at a flat rate of 50%. Those earning above four million rand per year will pay a flat rate of 60%.

As for E-toll we will abolish e-tolls and collect the money via a fuel levy that we will ring fence and subject to regular auditing, Those caught speeding in excess of 180/km per hour can apply for  a loan from the e-toll fund to pay their fines. They will pay back the money with interest charged at 75% per month.

On Housing, Government will stop building houses for people. Instead we will provide serviced stands and loans so that people build their own houses. This will provide work for FET graduates who will be hired to construct the houses. Teams of inspectors will oversee all construction. Any corruption will be dealt with as indicated earlier.

As for other issues, just vote for us and you will see.

The Party-less Peoples Party

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