PLEASE NOTE:

MyNews24 is a user-generated section of News24.com. The stories here come from users.

 
JennyJuly
 
Comments: 7
Article views: 813
 
 
Latest Badges:


 
View all JennyJuly's badges.
 

Of senile aunts and slutty singletons

10 February 2014, 19:55

Three hours in, I now know this: Wedding table placements are hell.

People warned me. I didn’t believe him. I left it to the last minute. And here I am – procrastinating even more by writing about it.

In my mind, it was a simple matter of 3 simple groups:

1.       My friends and family

2.       His friends and family

3.       Random business associates

I was kind of planning on just randomly grouping people who know each other together. I expected to be done in 20 minutes flat.

Man, was I naïve.

Anyone who has planned a wedding will know this – the seemingly harmless seating chart is the ultimate catalyst for long-forgotten gossip. You know those half-true, half-exaggerated stories you heard a decade ago? They’re about to come back and haunt you. What if Auntie So-and-So really did have a thing for her sister’s husband? Better not put them together.  And what if What’s-her-name really was the one to write that HelloPeter report about What’s-his-name?

You also unintentionally and automatically start classifying your guests into less-innocent-than-planned categories. The most problematic are these:

1.       The Sluts

Yup. I said sluts. So sue me. Everyone knows a few. These guys and girls are either way too confident – or way too insecure. Either way, they’ve fallen in lust and out of love with just about everyone within ten year age radius. Deciding where to put them is borderline impossible. Just bunching them together at the same table may look like an option – until you realise that they seem to hate their own kind even more than they hate that long list of exes. Think about the last time you saw one of your slut friends. I bet you anything they told you all about their latest conquest/heartbreak – and then proceeded to bad-mouth another Loose Lucy.

2.       The Complainers

Mostly older people, we all have those relatives who seem to enjoy nothing more than playing a game of Blame the Waiter. In my family, we have a great aunt who is famous for entertaining restaurants with full-out screaming monologues about waiters “getting it wrong”. Perhaps she’s a bit senile, but the food usually does resemble what she ordered – changes and all. Still – she seems to like the attention and has perfected the performance. I suppose it doesn’t really matter where one puts these people – perhaps close to those guests who happen to be hard of hearing and won’t know or care about the fuss being made over some overcooked asparagus.

3.       The Divorcees

Where most singletons have happily confirmed who their plus-one will be, our divorced ladies and gents have been down-right rude about it:

Me: Hi, Auntie X! Just calling to ask who you’ll be bringing to the wedding? We’re making name cards for each person.

Auntie X: What? Is there a problem?

Me: No, no problem. I’d just like the name of your date to my wedding.

Auntie X: How the f**k am I supposed to know who I’ll be bringing? It’s 3 weeks away! I don’t have a serious boyfriend – I’m still deciding! Do you want to start a family feud?

Right. If anyone is about to “start a family feud”, it’s this lady – with a penchant for dating, um, inappropriately young lads who may or may not have had histories with her daughters, I now have to blindly decide whether putting her with the rest of the family is a good, normal decision – or a spectacularly bad one.

4.       The Crushes

Every wedding is going to have a somewhat inappropriate guest or two. I once went to one where the woman next to me literally spent the entire reception longingly staring at the groom. I didn’t know her from a bar of soap, but was quickly filled in on the gossip of her long-time and badly-hidden crush on the guy.  Our wedding has someone sort-of similar. Though my husband-to-be has assured me that there never was or will be anything but friendship between them, I’ve never liked Little Miss Old Friend. Especially not when she wants to see my man “alone”. Call me insecure  - I don’t think it’s appropriate. Yet, she’s invited. I just want her as far away from me as possible – preferably at an angle where she will be be blinded by the diamond on my finger.

***

Anyhoo – better get back to it.

If anyone has any tips for me, I’d really appreciate it…

Disclaimer: All articles and letters published on MyNews24 have been independently written by members of News24's community. The views of users published on News24 are therefore their own and do not necessarily represent the views of News24. News24 editors also reserve the right to edit or delete any and all comments received.
 

Read News24’s Comments Policy

24.com publishes all comments posted on articles provided that they adhere to our Comments Policy. Should you wish to report a comment for editorial review, please do so by clicking the 'Report Comment' button to the right of each comment.

Comment on this story
7 comments
Add your comment
Comment 0 characters remaining

Read more from our Users

Submitted by
Kalibanache
South African Genie and the Magic...

The ANC thought that they had the magic lamp when Mandela was leading. And I think they were right... But where is his lamp? Read more...

3 comments 72 views
Submitted by
Kruger
For whom the bell tolls

While speculation is rife of the ANC's impending fall and Jacob Zuma's time that is running out, the party - and it faithful - are gathering in a laager. Read more...

5 comments 892 views
Submitted by
Wouter Willemse
The Game has changed

If you are a child from the 60's, 70's or 80's in South Africa you had a different set of rules than the NewFreeBorns. Read more...

0 comments 70 views
Submitted by
Makate Rapulana
The SABC ís the voice of governme...

The public broadcaster is unapologetically the mouthpiece of any sitting government, and the opposition should reconcile itself with the fact. Read more...

7 comments 61 views
Submitted by
Makate Rapulana
ANCYL, Cosas, and the ‘nosey’ pub...

The public protector; blessed or cursed with a big and ugly nose was able to pick up a rather rancid odour emanating from a feeding trough; with Zuma and his lieutenants munching away the spoils of corruption.  Read more...

2 comments 35 views
Submitted by
Mahomed Farouk Cassim
Terror a force for good in Parly

A government that loses its moral authority ceases to govern. Instead, it will begin to rule and thus become intolerant of accountability, transparency and democratic processes.  Read more...

1 comments 137 views

Jobs in Cape Town [change area]

Property [change area]

Travel - Look, Book, Go!

Escape winter, head to Mauritius

Escape winter by spending 7 nights in Mauritius' tropical bliss from R13 215 per person sharing. Includes return flights, airport transfers and accommodation. Book now!

Kalahari.com - shop online today

Get many eggs in one basket!

Gaming bundles: 2 Super Hits games for R99, 3 Disney games for R99 and more + exclusive accessory bundles only available on kalahari.com. While stocks last. Shop now!

25% off bestselling books!

The Real Meal Revolution by Tim Noakes, Jeffrey Archer’s Be Careful What You Wish for, Man’s Search for Meaning by Victor E. Frank and many more titles. Shop now!

Up to 25% off electronics

Buy top electronics and save up to 25%. Such as kalahari.com’s 1# selling product the gobii eReader, Patriot X Porter flash drive, Asus Nexus 7” 3G tablet, Samsung Galaxy SIII, Lenovo G580 Notebook and many more. Shop now!

DStv HD PVR Decoder now R949

The DStv HD PVR Decoder has further revolutionised the television experience with lifelike viewing, sharper images, more vibrant colours and precision picture quality. Now R949, save R550. Offer valid while stocks last. Shop now!

Up to 30% off appliances & homeware

Save up to 30% on appliances and homeware this Easter! Offer valid while stocks last. Shop now.

OLX Free Classifieds [change area]

Samsung Galaxy s4

Mobile, Cell Phones in South Africa, Western Cape, Cape Town. Date October 24

Best bargain in big bay

Real Estate, Houses - Apartments for Sale in South Africa, Western Cape, Cape Town. Date October 25

VW Golf 6, 1.6 Trendline (Excellent condition)

Vehicles, Cars in South Africa, Western Cape, Cape Town. Date October 25

 

services

E-mail Alerts The latest headlines in your inbox

RSS feeds News delivered really simply.

Mobile News24 on your mobile or PDA

E-mail Newsletters You choose what you want

News24 on your iPhone Get News24 headlines on your iPhone.

SMS Alerts Get breaking news stories via SMS.

Blogs Your opinion on you, me and everyone.

Calais Website keywords automated by OpenCalais.

 
Digital Media & Marketing Association
 
© 2014 24.com. All rights reserved.
There are new stories on the homepage. Click here to see them.
 
English
Afrikaans
isiZulu

Hello 

Create Profile

Creating your profile will enable you to submit photos and stories to get published on News24.


Please provide a username for your profile page:

This username must be unique, cannot be edited and will be used in the URL to your profile page across the entire 24.com network.

Settings

Location Settings

News24 allows you to edit the display of certain components based on a location. If you wish to personalise the page based on your preferences, please select a location for each component and click "Submit" in order for the changes to take affect.








Facebook Sign-In

Hi News addict,

Join the News24 Community to be involved in breaking the news.

Log in with Facebook to comment and personalise news, weather and listings.