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Off with her bush!!!

09 November 2012, 11:00

Now that I have recovered from what I can only describe as pure repulsion at Maureen Dent’s article in which she publicly denounced female grooming and attacked the male species for their apparent mind-controlling ability; I think it’s time to let her know exactly what my thoughts are as a functional female in modern society.

First and foremost, I agree whole-heartedly, your personal hygiene and lack of self-pride is your choice. But when you come onto a public forum announcing to the world that your girly bits and armpits resemble that of someone more Old Testament than twenty-first century, you open yourself up to a world far more insulting and critical then the one faced when just dealing with Vaaldonkie.

Bush in its purest form

Let’s not and say we did. The only time that bush was really ever acceptable was at the start of the Playboy Empire and even then there was a bit of grooming to show their lady bits off in the most appealing way to the masses (Oh crap! I mentioned Playboy, sorry Maureen, that’s all very chauvinistic too).

I mean what exactly must these poor ‘real’ men go through when performing cunnilingus? I imagine that it must get quite stuffy and humid down there. And how uncomfortable and time consuming it must be for the poor bloke to remove unwanted grainy pubes that have gotten lodged between his teeth, unless that is his thing of course.

I mean you quite confidently make the statement that women who do shave are not comfortable with their sexuality. Seriously? You were taking the piss on that one right? Some of the most confident women I know are immaculately groomed (and yes, I mean their girly bits) and from what I can tell they are having no issues between the sheets. In fact, I’m starting to think it’s the lack of the seventies smut look that has their men keeping them between those sheets.

There are options Love, I’d be happy to send you numbers for local establishments that could help you in this department.

And for the record, I don’t groom my girly bits for anyone but myself and there is no better feeling than slipping knickers onto a clean, hairless hooha.

PS – If you have no issue with your pits smelling, is it safe to assume that the same applies to your …?

Pit stop for razors and a burst of fragrance

Okay, this one really is a no-brainer. Maureen, in all the years you’ve been alive, have you never stood in the checkout queue or at the bank and wondered if asking the person with the horrendous body odour to step back 2 kilometres would be okay? I don’t want to smell your pheromones; you don’t want to smell my pheromones; why cant we just get along and make Unilever shares go up? Buy some deodorant woman!

I don’t care how ‘real’ these men are, no man wants to get to know a woman who smells bad. And what about business? Self-employed? Of course. I’m hoping your business caters to individuals such as yourself because in the real world my boss would have me fired if I chose not to use deodorant and walk around with pits like Max the Gorilla’s. It is NOT socially acceptable.

As for the hair, refer to the above. The same people that can help with your girly bits can make those armpits look less King Kong, if you follow me

Those damn chauvinists!

Okay boys, you’ve heard it straight from the mouth of Maureen, you are to blame for my smooth legs, fresh pits and over-whelming confidence in myself as a woman. Thank you so much for your brainwashing techniques, without you I’d have a moustache and a lack lustre sex life. Viva male chauvinist pigs, viva!!!!

Natural hey?

·      That your natural hair colour? Dying it is NOT allowed

·      You walk to work? Those car fumes are killing the environment and you have legs.

I guarantee you that you are doing a few unnatural things, but hey what do I know.

Yours sincerely,

Brainwashed, deluded and accepted by hygiene conscious humans around the world.

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